What Road to Go Down

The holidays... filled with tons of conversations with good friends, old friends, people you don't know who you may never see again... yep, I got burnt out on being social.  This last year I have learned that I enjoy hanging around people that are not like me, I feel they have alot to teach me about life and perspective.  Sometimes though, in a crowded room of people I don't know, I wish there was just one person kinda like me.  Over the holidays I was engaged in a conversation that related to travel... I plan on San Fran, Vietnam and London so far for 2012... and someone stated that they probably won't travel to Central or South America due to safety concerns.  Well, so far Costa Rica is one of my favorite places and I can't wait to get to Brazil or Peru someday... so I just nodded. 

I thought about the period in my life where I made decisions because I was afraid.  Maybe I didn't do something because I was unclear what would be at the end, or I was so emotional that I could not handle anything but a positive outcome.  The minute I realized I was making fear-based decisions I changed, I forced myself to change as a person and I changed everything around me.  I could not imagine putting limitations on the unknown.  Now, am I going to Egypt any time soon?  Not right now, I will wait for that mess to die down... but I want to go. 

I want to go everywhere.  I want to talk to every person no matter what they look like.  I want to live each day and not worry about what could happen.  Sometimes all it takes is to just smile and not judge.  I think that is what I will take with me into 2012, I challenge some people to do the same.

(San Fran for New Years, yep.  Sixth different City for New Years... kind of excited)

Reflection

Every year at this time, I make my Christmas card list, I try to send as many as I can and I think about the people who were added to the list and taken off.  When I was younger I hated looking back on the last year and thinking about the people that were not a part of my life anymore.  I look at things differently now. 

All people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime.  Some ebb and flow at the times when you need it most.  And some teach you life lessons, sometimes the hard way.  I added some amazing people into my life this year and let a few go.  I also learned what it was like to be phased out of someone's life.  Some people create drama by trying to avoid it.  There are times when I stop, look around and smile.  There are people by my side that I would have never thought and some of the friends I thought would be there forever, are not even in my recently placed/received phone calls...  I appreciate all of it.  I love all of it.

I will look back this last week of 2011, I can't help it.  Chances are if you are reading this, I am thinking of you.  You have impacted my life is some way or another this last year.  I am a better person for it.  Thanks.  2011 is a year I will always remember... it was a year it all came together and I found happiness.

Being Sick

Oh this last week was not kind to me.  I was super sick, had some ridiculous deadline and I had only bought one Christmas present.  And then it snowed... alot.  I am happy for the White Christmas, but I did get a little stressed out, which I think just made me more sick.  I am a wuss when it comes to being sick... I shut down and think the world is going to end.  I hit the deadline, returned home from a meeting on Wednesday night, positioned myself on the couch just in time to watch the snow fall.  Then it happened.  My boyfriend (yep, I said it) showed up with soup, bread, coffee, milk, Kleenex, flowers, magazines and peanut M&Ms.  I love him. 

He took care of me.  I forgot what that was like.  I loved it.

We are all strong when we have to be, but it is nice to let someone else be strong for you when you just can't.  He joined me on the couch and we both watched the snow fall.  I managed to get the rest of my shopping done... even show up to a "class reunion" where I saw people I had not seen in years!  I went to a small high school and it is not always an easy crowd.  He fit right in.  Of course he did.  And Christmas is tomorrow.  I plan on going to midnight mass with the boyfriend and dinner at his parent's house tomorrow.  I tried to go slow, tread lightly... but I don't want to anymore.  I am all in.

Believe

The last 5 Sundays I have enjoyed watching the Broncos, in various places, with high school friends, college friends, new friends and even with a boyfriend... I am not going to touch on Tebow being the quarterback, I do however get this feeling towards the end of every game; we are going to win.  I just know it.  No matter the score.  Situation.  I got a little nervous yesterday, started questioning whether our winning streak was over... and we won.  I believe. 

I believe in the Broncos.  I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  And the people in my life, are the exact people that are supposed to be there.  I am not looking back at the people I lost along the way, reason or season?  Not sure I care anymore.  I learned from all of it and now I am excited about what lies in front of me.  I have not had this attitude in life for a long time.  There is still drama.  There still are people that I know that try to bring me down to where ever they are... but I know better and rise above it, or when I don't, I have people around me to put it back into perspective.

Last night I was on my way to a Christmas Short Story reading in Downtown Denver.  Everything was lit for Christmas, cold, crisp air; and an annoying Bears fan stumbling around drunk, "Didn't you hear that field goal didn't count, the Broncos lost."  I just smiled.  No, no... they won, I have this great guy next to me and I am going to listen to Christmas stories while drinking hot chocolate.  My reality is amazing.

Oh Christmas

I freaking love this time of year.  What is funny about this season, it is usually really kind to me or a disaster... not much goes on in between.  I like the continuation of your life that it symbolizes... like the running partner told me, not a new beginning but a continuation with all that we have learned from the previous year.  Or something like that.  This Christmas I will be around family, new friends and far away from the drama that was in my life for so long, with someone new standing next to me.  I am starting to think it was all worth it.  It was all worth it. 

I am looking forward to a dinner party, concert, snowboarding, Christmas party with an OLD friend (but someone I missed desperately while in Texas), putting up a real tree with the new boyfriend, Broncos and a Christmas Short Story Reading... All happening this weekend.  I wouldn't change a thing.  I had to go to that place, to get to this place... now I just smile.  All the time... I love Christmas.

Oh... Christmas in Broncos Country... the new guy is also a Broncos Fan... FINALLY.

I And Love And You

Well... so I am out of the dating game officially and back into relationship world.  I still am not sure what to think about it.  I know that I have butterflies in my stomach and when the Hockey Player leaned in and said "I love you," my heart stopped.  I closed my eyes and I wanted to stay in that moment forever, to have that feeling just stretch. 

When you decide it is ok to open up to someone, I believe you have to give them all of you, the good and the bad and let them decide if it is what they want.  The weekend couldn't have been better, I made him homemade soup from my friends amazing blog.  Then we went to the Parade of Lights, pub crawled it on the walk back home where we sat in my local bar and watched the snow fall for hours, ran home in the snow, football, dinner, Social Distortion... things are easy.  I even made him an ugly sweater for this party we are going to in the mountains in couple weeks.  Perfect.  Oh and he made me hot chocolate.  I opened up a little more, he listened, and he stayed.

I guess, here I go again.  I wonder where I will end up this time.

Writing Class

I have two weeks left.  I think after that I am going to have to take a break.  I love everything about the class, the instructor, the people, the conversation, but I am finding myself fitting it into my schedule, opposed to having time to do it.  Last night I submitted my story, I tackled a subject that many may not see me writing about, domestic violence.  The other two submissions were light and funny, one about a dad explaining to his four year old the birds and the bees and the other about a family Thanksgiving.  Great.  Mine was going to stand out this time. 

My class is the biggest group of misfits I have ever seen.  You have an engineer, a Harvard grad, an independent woman from Texas, a writing student, an older guy that reminds me of my dad, another who was in Vietnam and worked at an aquarium, one annoying chick that knows everything and then Patrick.  I have to use his name because it is so fitting.  He works at a liquor store, is very quiet and you can tell he has read everything under the sun.  I have seen him open up twice during the two writing courses, once was due to alcohol and then last night during my story. 

Once the group starts discussing the story, what they thought it was about, what they liked, didn't like, I can't say a word.  I have to sit there and listen.  Patrick was my voice.  He got everything about my story, defended it exactly like I would have, which I appreciated because I went out on  limb to write it.  It amazes me how many people do not want to talk about domestic violence, rape, depression or suicide.  These things happen all the time and I am sure we all know someone that has experienced at least one of these things, or maybe not because we close our eyes to it or shrug it off when someone tries to talk about it... making the problem worse. 

Amazing what can connect two people.  I will miss Patrick.

Second Chance

Wow.  Let me say, I have not been this busy at work since I left Texas.  Working weekends, coming in at 5am, trying to just keep it all straight... all the while going to see the Lion King Musical, Avs games, working out, races, dinner parties and just dating.  I could feel it.  That feeling when I thought I might lose it.  I needed to plan every detail to remind myself that there is in fact enough time in the day to do it all... The Hockey Player called to ask what I wanted to do Friday night, I asked him to just plan it... and he goes, "I don't care what we do, I just want to see you."  And I got quiet.  He ended up planning it. 

It was my second chance.  My second chance to prove I could leave work at work and just enjoy my friends and the guy I was dating.  I stumbled a little, but I did it.  I am also dating a guy that is a "Words of Affirmation" guy.  If you have ever read the "Five Languages of Love" you know what I am talking about.  He feels most loved when I tell him.  I have always struggled with this, can't I just show you?  I have always been a "Quality Time" person.  We are all different; I respect that.  I also failed at this in my last relationship... so here it is, my second chance to show how much I have learned, grown and changed.  To not make the same mistakes twice.  To tell him how much I like him, even if it is every day.

Last night we met some of my friends out for Sunday Night Football... he turns to one of them when he thought I wasn't listening and goes, "I am crazy about her."  My guard went down a little more...

Still Running

I don't talk about it like I used to... but I am still running.  Not well, not alot, not routinely, not any of the things that I should be doing... nonetheless, I love it.  I love that it gives me an excuse to see some old friends.  I am heading down to San Antonio for what will be no doubt, the worst Half Marathon I have ever run.  This made me think.  The half marathon looming over my head led me back to a race I ran in March 2007, on Saint Patrick's Day.

It was just a 5k, it was just the prelude to a day full of drinking.  I took a picture that day, that I am sure if I looked hard enough I could find it... running that race with me was my running partner, his wife, one of my old coworkers and the ex.  All standing there, 4 years younger, in green, not knowing how we would all impact eachother's lives in the years to come.

If I took a similar picture at the finish line this Sunday there will be the old coworker, the running partner and me, three of the four.  I love that.  I love that I still have running and that I have rooted myself in some Texas friendships that I hope to always have.  You never know when you do something if the people standing around you will always be there... but you hope.  Two out of three isn't bad.

The running partner sent me our race agenda... just get me there, just get me to the start line.  This is the first race where I am not concerned about the finish line, I love that part of my personality that is changing (ever so slowly, but still changing).

Just Waiting

Two years.  Almost two years.  Think about that for a minute.  How much do you think your life can change in two years?  One year?  One day?  One minute?  I have learned that you can't stop what is coming, so try to enjoy it, all of it, everything.  What I love about this guy I am dating (and yes I want to give him an alias, so we are going with the Hockey Player) is that I am in a great place, to take everything I have learned about myself and what I want and try to bring that into this relationship. 

I am not in a place where I need help, need someone... he is not getting out of some ridiculously long relationship, he is not 24... we know enough about eachother going in that we have a level of trust established 12 years ago.  I like him.  I am starting to get excited.

The rate at which I am able to get excited about someone amazes me.  I assume the worst and hope for the best.  It takes him showing up on time for a few dates before I believe he won't stand me up.  It takes him talking about his previous relationships a few times before I believe that they won't impact me negatively.  It takes going out for a few drinks (sometimes alot of drinks) a few times to know that he won't get mad at me for talking to other people instead of him.  It takes laying on the couch, in his arms, watching football together to know that he will make me feel safe.  How many more rounds can I put the Hockey Player through... while I wait for something to go wrong?  Hopefully alot, for a long time.

Getting excited...

Treat Yo Self

There are those moments in life that are created because everything from everywhere just kind of came together.  My weekend in Moab was one of those moments.  It started when my old coworker sent me a youtube clip from Parks and Rec, outlining what "Treat Yo Self Day" is.  This was the theme as me and two other girlfriends set out for a roadtrip to Moab.  We were delayed, but so glad we were because one of my favorite hikes' trailhead was closed up until the point when we got there.  I did this hike as a kid, it is located outside one of my favorite cities (Glenwood Springs, CO) and is still breathtaking.

Hanging Lake

Hiking Buddies

After we treated ourselves to one of the best hikes in Colorado we headed to Moab.  The next day we spent the morning rock climbing sandstone, which was amazing.  Something I am slowly starting to fall in love with, I can't explain it, it is a rush.

Ice Parlor, UT

On top of work, dating, concerts, Moab, I am training for my third half marathon of the year, so I had to run 8 miles.  In the desert.  After rock climbing.  While my friends went to the bar.  This ended up being the biggest accomplishment of the day.  I did it none-the-less.  As I was waiting for their return with a pumpkin beer and a good book in hand, they return.  With a "Congratulations" balloon... that I would take to the bar with me that night. 

Later that night as I am in some amazing Utah bar, the day caught up with me and I just wanted to sleep.  But here were a few great quotes from that weekend, where it all came together and we treated ourselves:

• Friend: Do you have a quarter we need to buy jewelry?  Guy:  Fuck yeah you need some jewelry.
• Treat yo self.
• People at bar: Why do you have the balloon?  Me:  I ran 8 miles while my friends went to the bar.
• Girl I just met:  Should we save Morgan?  Friend Since College:  No.  She is fine.  I am sure she might make out, but I think that guy reminds her of her ex.
• Me:  I should stop spending money, so I can save up for my wedding. 

The 99 Percent

I had to do it.  I was on my way home when I passed the Occupy Denver movement.  So I did what anyone in my situation would do, I parked my car and witnessed it for myself.  I came up with my own opinion, created my own memories and agreed that I was part of the 99 percent.  However, I do feel like I am on my own 1 percent when it comes to the way I approach situations.  Is it glass half empty?  A way I protect myself?  Or am I 1 percent heart and 99 percent head?

At this exact moment, myself and two of my closest friends have all met guys that we like.  We are already planning triple dates, outings, concerts.  We are all starting out on this journey at the exact same moment in time, with some pretty fantastic guys.  This has brought to my attention just how reserved and pessimistic I am about new relationships.  I like this one.  I am nervous.  I am trying hard not to hold back or bring old issues into this relationship.  I feel like I am slowly sinking... am I looking for things to complain about?  Probably.  If he isn't perfect I won't be as upset when he leaves me.  Do I believe him when he tells me how great he thinks I am?  No.  You haven't known me long enough to know how great I am.  It makes sense in my head. 

Then I look at my friends.  I look how excited they are about the smallest things, and my heart gets a little smaller.  I want to feel that.  He does those things for me.  I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.  Ever.  What kind of self reflection do I need to do to get over this?  Why can't this guy think I am amazing?  When he asks if I am ok, maybe he really cares and will always ask?  Maybe when I open up, he will stay.  So, I keep trying. 

My ex told me after he left that he never felt like I loved him.

I loved him with all I had.

Maybe I am not capable of making others feel loved.

I Walked Away Smiling

I did it.  I submitted my story to my writing class, let them read it, read a section to them and sat there for 20 minutes while they discussed what it was about.  I think they liked it, I got some great comments:

Guy from Harvard:  I don't get this girl.  This is what, her second date?  She is already in love?  She should date more.

Older Lady in the Class:  I sent this story to my son.  I think you two should meet.

I loved every minute of it.  The story is loosely based on an experience I had, but it is fiction.  I love this class.  I am learning about people through their stories, but what part is them?  Do I already know?  Do I want to know?  What part of your story is really you?  What part did you allow someone else to invent for you?  I struggle everytime I start to date someone new; which part of my story can you handle and when can you handle it? 

I Was Judged

I wish I could create a timeline.  A timeline of my life, that outlines all the major events in my life.  I would star the events that were directly related to a decision I made.  There would not be many.  I dealt with all these things.  I never gave up.  I never became bitter.  And I tried to be a great person, hold myself to some ridiculously high standard in the process.  I paid for college, graduated, worked, bought a house, everything I was "supposed" to do.  I worked out two times a day and averaged 50 hours a week at work.  I was miserable. 

I am not that person anymore.  I am happy.

Throughout my 20s, I got alot of advice.  I dated some guys that would tell me what would make me a better person, listened to "friends" tell me what would make me a better person... After this about broke me, I raised my white flag.  This is me.  I am not going to defend it.  People might judge me for it, that is fine.  In the end the only one that has to deal with the decisions I make is me, finally.  It is going to be a ridiculous ride... I can tell. 

Signs

I believe everything happens for a reason.  "There is a purpose, a plan and a reason for all things.  What doesn't make sense, will make sense."  So after a Sunday evening "break-up" with the hot construction worker, I keep my tradition and enjoy way too much wine and pizza with some close girlfriends last night to hash it all out.  I survived.  I always will.  Then it hit me, all the heartache I have felt this week happened for a reason and I just got excited.  Try to follow my train of thought:

1. My old coworker and I set out to climb La Plata, 5th highest peak in Colorado Saturday morning.  We immediately get lost, set us back about 30 minutes.
2. I get home late to go to a book reading with the construction worker.  I don't have time to eat anything besides two granola bars.
3. We talk about food after the reading (9:30 pm) but he is house sitting and has to let these dogs out.
4. We finally set out to get food. (10:30 pm)
5. We can't find a place to park, he gets frustrated, I am tired and hungry.  We park.  And set off to get to the bar that we had to park blocks away from. (11 pm)
6. The time frame is important because we all know what a tired, hungry woman means... apparently he doesn't.
7. He goes:  I bet those heels are comfortable.  Me:  Didn't realize I would be walking blocks.
8. This comment ends the night.  He calls me annoying, I tell him it is forced fun, we part ways. 
9. I feel bad, go to where he is house sitting to apologize.  We start talking about whether I should leave or not and as this conversation is going a raccoon starts to attack a squirrel in a tree.  This is amazing. (1 am)  The neighbors come out, I just take off.
10. Sunday we break up. 
11. Monday sucks.  The fishing guy, friend's brother RSVPs for Casa Bonita.  So now I am forced to address how nervous I am about dating a friend's brother before I see him Saturday.
12. Tuesday, alot of wine and pizza.  Great bonding time that happened because I needed it thanks to the construction worker.
13. Wednesday.  My old roommate moves her birthday plans to a later weekend, I am sad that it is a weekend I already have plans, so I will miss it.  At this moment I get another invite to go to a friend's cabin on the weekend that became open.  I get a great email from the friend telling me everything will be ok if I date her brother, which you know what... why not?
14. Meeting the brother tomorrow to just talk and be upfront.  We will see.

Thank God we got lost on that hike.  I got to see how the construction worker responds to adverse situations, I got to bond with some great friends, I am now going to the mountains again and I might have met someone cool in an unsuspecting place.

I Get It

I get dating.  Believe me I do.  Over 18 months in on this circus I have a fair understanding for the game, it is the different players that I am still trying to figure out.  After having my first "fight" with someone since the ex, I was brought back down to Earth.  I start most relationships by pushing the guy away.  I realize that this is self-defense.  But I also learned that it sets the tone for where the relationship is going... nowhere. 

I was hurt beyond comprehension while in Dallas.  And I wonder if I am beyond repair.

Fly Fishing

**Disclaimer:  I read a short story in the second person, loved it... so this is what you get.

It is Sunday.  You wake up early, 6 am early.  You look out your white-washed window and can tell that summer is over.  The sky is still dark and the cool air coming in from the window makes you wonder why you agreed to go fishing at all.  The headache from the day before reminds you that you are living in a scattered world, one mixed with social activities and the longing to be away from people.  You force yourself out of bed, turn the coffee on and look in the mirror.  You can't go out looking that way, even if you are just going to the mountains to attempt fly fishing for the first time.  You do what you can to make yourself look presentable.

He arrives on time to take you to the mountains.  You have no idea where you are going, or really what you are doing.  This guy is a friend, or really the brother of one of your best friends.  You have always thought he was cute and that possibly something more is there, but you ignored it.  Once in the car the mood shifts.  You are really doing this.  You had talked about fly fishing before, even with ex-boyfriends, but you never followed through.  You fished as kid, with your family, but always on the shore, where your dad and grandpa would be.  You wanted to be close to them in case something went wrong.  Drinking your warm coffee, you both notice the temperature drop as you get higher into the mountains.  There is evidence of newly fallen snow, again you are reminded that summer is over.

He pulls over along the Blue River, it is 37 degrees.  He looks at you and decides you might be too cold and it would be better to go up the road until the sun is at least above the mountains.  You get to the second fishing spot.  He has brought everything you need.  He helps you put on the waders, boots and puts your fishing rod together.  You are instantly reminded of your dad.  You have always fished from the shore, but this time, this time he steps right into the river and looks back at you to help you in.  The river is flowing fast and it is cold.  The sun is just coming up over the mountains, you take a deep breath and remember what you had been missing for almost 7 years.  He tells you that you have to get to the otherside where the water is calmer, where the fishing is better.  You just stand there.  He promises that he won't let you fall and holds onto you as you cross, ever so slowly, the raging river.  Like he promised, you safely get to the other side.  He shows you how to fly fish, tells you how great you are and how fast you learned... you wonder if he is being honest or if he is like your dad.

He leads you to a fishing hole and coaches you through the movements.  He stands behinds you, holds your hand and helps guide the fly fishing rod.  You close your eyes and wonder, could this work?  It is in that moment that you remember you had been there before as well.  You dated someone in the past that was "off-limits."  A situation where if it went well it would be amazing, if it went bad it would ruin your world.  Your world was ruined... you remember that.  You continue to joke around, get two strikes on your line, watch him catch fish and go home in time to catch the Broncos win.

You want to see where this could go, but you mentally can't let go of the "what ifs."  You have already learned this lesson, the hard way.

Just a Good Story

Last night I was invited to a dinner party by a good friend of mine.  Her boss owns this amazing million dollar home right next to the Denver Modern Art Museum.  This was my second dinner party there, with 5 other amazing women.  I love being around women my age or older, that are not married and successful.  You instantly bond, throw in a glass of wine, or a few bottles, and it is a great night. 

The six of us judged each other's dating life, gave advice and enjoyed an amazing gluten-free dinner.  We all talked about that one guy in our lives, the one that no matter what he does or says, you still want him to call.  One of the women there eluded to the fact that this guy in her life used to play football.  I thought nothing of it.  The night and wine flowed, until she finally said his name... Ryan Leaf.  Of course I know who Ryan Leaf is (she seemed surprised I did)... he was that draft pick behind Peyton Manning that went horribly wrong.  The world got to see his fall from grace.  She dated him in college, went to the ESPY's with him and still talks to him to this day.  He apparently left her for some Chargers cheerleader... fitting.  I told her I had to meet him and she goes, "No you will be mean to him."  No, I wouldn't. 

I am not sure why this story fascinated me so much.  I love that I keep finding myself in situations that surprise me... here I am talking to a woman who is texting Ryan Leaf (about us using his vacation home in Vancouver next year), drinking top dollar wine in a million dollar home with an elevator.  What a difference a year makes.

Just a Tuesday Night Dinner Party

It Can All Be Summed Up With a Ke$ha Song

I have been lacking in updates for a few reasons.  The first of which is my writing class; every time I have something on my mind I feel like I need to channel it into a weekly exercise or my story that everyone will be reading in two weeks.  The next reason is my ridiculous social calendar coupled with my new drinking habit; I am doing something every night, and on the weekends I am doing two things a day, most involve drinking or drinking after.  I will admit, my body hates me.  I feel the need to slow down, but I am not sure what I would cut out?  Broncos games, fly fishing, hiking, camping, CSU football games, rock climbing, happy hours, dinner parties???  Probably not going to happen.  The last reason is because for the first time in a long time dating has me speechless.

The responsible period in my life, the first 29 years of my life, seems like a distant memory.  Now, I just have fun and constantly try new things.  In the last month I have had some great firsts: cliff jumping, rock climbing and fly fishing.  I am starting to feel less guilty about not doing what I was always thought I "should" be doing and just rolling with it.

Climbing in Clear Creek Canyon

I think it is in this phase of life, happy, rolling with things that you can start evaluating things you don't like.  The construction worker that I am still hanging out with; although he is someone that I probably "should" not be hanging out with told me the other night, "You are two different people.  The Morgan that wants to be liked and the Morgan that is independent and doesn't need anyone."  I then got this comment from a really good friend, "You pretend to open up (in a relationship) and then push them away."  Both statements are true.  Both statements elude to my new pattern of pushing people away.  I don't want to get hurt.  I don't want to hurt people.  I don't want to be alone.  So I somehow have to get over this fear that is inevitable so hopefully I won't end up alone or at least can stop pushing people away.  I have always been pretty honest with other people, now I just have to be honest with myself.

In the meantime, I have been on some pretty fun outings with some pretty amazing guys.  More importantly to me, is all the amazing things I have been doing with some pretty amazing friends.  I will be in the mountains this weekend camping and hiking with someone that I worked with in Dallas that now lives in the Springs.  We have to beat the snow, which has already begun to fall.  By the way, that is not a real problem... I don't have too many of those right now.

Jumping In

I have really enjoyed writing these last couple of years.  It has allowed me to get away from the world of engineering and explore what is on my mind.  I get feedback, sometimes good, sometimes not.  One thing I have heard in various forms lately, is turning real people into characters and making that story public, ie the vegan.  I am not doing it with a malicious intent, but I am using real events, real people in my attempt to tell a story.  Is that not a memoir?  The comment was if you cared about these people you would not show them in a negative light.  With this comment in mind, I have been exploring what it would be like to not document real events but rather write fiction.  

In the 8 week writing class I signed up for, we have to write something every week, as well as submit a short story.  I have recognized I write with raw emotion, little detail and I can't help but write about real events that I am passionate about.  Last night I finally read a piece in front of the class.  The exercise was to use an idiom in a flash fiction piece.  This is what they got.

I didn't get much feedback, which is ok, I guess.  I was told to expand on the relationship between the characters, what happened to them, why did he move out and also talk about the new job, city and adventure more.  Again, I lack details.  Maybe most people in my new City, new life lack the details and that is what I like.  I mean the character likes.  Maybe she is afraid to get close to anyone and that comes through in the way the story is written.  Or maybe, no one outside of my circle gets it and they need the details.

My next attempt is to write a completely fictional piece, oh well kind of... the character will of course be loosely based on the vegan, an old coworker and my favorite setting that I am most passionate about, Dallas.  Feels good to just try something new, something you are not good at and just jump in.

A Continuation

It sometimes takes a long weekend away from the phone, watch, facebook and in a place where you see stars, arches, float down a river with 18 other strangers to remind you how much you have changed.  For a long time I thought I was "starting over,"  I just needed to "move on."  When in reality I wasn't starting over, and I didn't need to move on... I believe now that life is a continuation. Life flows and you grow. Every event in my life, good or bad, every person that is in my life or that has been in my life, good or bad, has led me to a point in my life where I just smile.

I have changed.  I am no longer stressed out, I am not perfect, but I am happy.  I will continue to say the wrong things, but only hope that my intent will shine through.  I love the woman I am.  I love that I can randomly get invited to a three day rafting trip where I know one person, show up and walk away with great memories and hopefully a few new friends.  I cliff jumped this weekend as well.  That has always been a fear of mine, but why not?

I admit, I walked around resentful and bitter for a moment in my life.  I wasn't strong enough to deal with it differently at that time.  I have learned to change the way I think about a few things and love that everything is in my life for a reason.  I believe that reason will lead me to the next amazing moment in my life.  This weekend reminded me of all the simple things I love in life, friends, laughter, stars and nature.  I experienced the western slope of Colorado, the desert region, just east of Utah.  I loved it.  I had almost forgot that Colorado had such an ecosystem.

So while I continue to discover the person I want to be, learn from my mistakes and appreciate those that are on this journey next to me... I get to discover Colorado all over again.

Arches in Colorado

Sunset along the Colorado River

A little piece of heaven

Desert

Dried up stream bed along the Colorado River

 

The 4 AM Meltdown

The date went well.  The basketball game, turned dinner, turned post meal drink on my porch was finally making me feel comfortable around the Vegan.  With all dating situations, you reach a point where one person feels the need to define the relationship or make sure the other person understands how that person feels about the relationship.  I almost held my breathe when he said he wanted to talk about "us."  He admitted he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and well, neither am I.  So I was open to defining what we had, friends with benefits, no benefits, dating, dating others... open to talking about it. 

Vegan:  So I am not ready to jump back into anything serious.
Me:  I don't think I am ready for that either, but I don't want to date someone if there are limitations up front.
Silence.
Me:  Do you know what you want?  Or what kind of dating relationship you want to be in?
Vegan:  I am just living life.
Silence (probably some dumbfounded look)
Vegan:  I really enjoy sitting on your porch and listening to the crickets.

The end of that conversation apparently. 

We talked about my sister, that experience, life and then he got up to leave.  As he was leaving he told me that he wanted to hang out, and suggested this short story reading I mentioned.  Without hesitation, I just said "I don't think that is a good idea."  I shocked myself.  I shocked him.  He thanked me for hanging out and later sent a text apologizing for not explaining himself and that if I wanted to hang out again I knew where to find him.  He even listed all these things we have done that he would do with me... But I liked this guy.  And I have amazing friends to do "stuff" with.  I just responded "Not sure I would have got to a point where I would understand."  Mainly because he doesn't know, understand... and I have been with guys like this.  It hurts.  I wasn't going down that road again.

Then I woke up at 4am, out of a dead sleep and couldn't fall back asleep.  I panicked. Why did I say that?  Why can't I just hang out?  Maybe he just needs time?  The longer I thought about it the worse it got... maybe I won't meet anyone, ever.  Is this it?  What if no one ever looks at me in the eyes in the way that makes you know everything will be ok?  I cried.  There it was, me admitting for the first time in a long time that dating is hard, and even if you relax and open up, it may not work.  I wanted to text him that I had made a mistake... but I texted a new found friend about my instant need for whiskey instead. 

I woke up, put on a skirt, did my hair and went to work.  It was a hard day on the inside but I looked good on the outside.  I may have been rejected, but I also stood up for myself and did what was best for me.  You need a good meltdown once and awhile anyways.

Not Just Yet...

Things are still crazy.  I realize there are times where I love and hate my social life at the same time.  Those periods in life where you are so busy that you realized you haven't stopped to watch the sunset in weeks... I am currently swallowed up in one of those periods.  Don't get me wrong I have loved every moment, from the out-of-state visitors, to the hikes, dinner parties, races... in these busy periods I sometimes lose patience.  My lack of patience had me thinking of the next top ten list: Ten Things that Show Your Age. 

I am not ready for that list, not just yet.  How do I know?  Today at lunch I was picking out a shirt for my date tonight with the Vegan, when I was approached by a guy who "just had to stop and say hi because of the positive energy I was giving off."  It was cute.  However, I question any guy that would hit on me during the work hours of a Monday, I will look better today after my run.  He also had the same name as my ex, not his fault, but I could not handle that.  I did give him my number, I just could not say no he was trying so hard.  There I am, giving a guy my number in a mall, PacSun of all stores.  Yes, yes I am in PacSun looking for a shirt to wear on a date... go ahead, judge.  What am I? Sixteen?  Apparently.  Not ready to admit I show my age, not yet anyways.  I hope never.

Finding My Stride

Move number 5 in the last 18 months was completed this past weekend.  I am living by myself, closer to the parks, running trails... the things that I so desperately wanted to have when I moved back.  I have them.  "Wherever you go, there you are."  I can only hope this move confirms that I have not been running away from myself but I have just been trying to figure out where I belong. 

This weekend also confirmed I belong in Colorado, preferably in the mountains with running shoes on.  I completed a half marathon that goes between Georgetown and Idaho Springs.  I loved it.  The Canadian ran with me.  I slowly caught up with her around mile 7.5 and quickly realized she was too injured to finish.  I walked with her to the next aide station and continued on.  I have been here before, leaving my running partner behind with injury... it is hard thing to do.  I hope no one ever has to leave me.  Somewhere in that 13.1 miles I found my stride again, fell back in love with running and realized everything I have done in the last 30 years had led me to that exact moment in my life.  I just smiled.

I have finally signed up for a short story writing class.  I am so nervous.  I have to submit a story and allow my story to be openly discussed by a room full of peers for a 20 minute period.  Here we go.  Writing is not engineering or running, it is foreign to me and I have plenty of room to improve.  The deep end looks good apparently.  Lately I have been exposing parts of me that are sensitive, making me vulnerable and subject to rejection.  I need a really good topic.  I need to just smile, then breathe.  This is who I am, I hope you like it.

The Social Experiment

The Social Experiment turned Scientific Experiment

Question:  Do you ever feel like you are living one large social experiment? 

Do Background Research:  I suck at dating.  If it wasn't for the last 18 months, not sure I would even say I dated.  I was just in relationships.  Those didn't end well and I really don't talk to the guys that made up a decade of my life.  The more I ask around the more I realize most people try to make dating a black and white issue.  It is anything but that, and I constantly find myself fumbling text messages, phone calls, dates... and probably thinking too much and in the end feeling like I messed it up.  It is a trend.

Construct a Hypothesis:  What happens if you just let go of all the rules and do what you feel like?

Test With an Experiment:  I have recently friended every guy I have "dated" since my return to Colorado and unblocked the ex (not friends, just unblock).  They have all accepted:  Steelers Fan, The Ref, The Vegan, The 26-year old Construction Worker... all present and accounted for.

Hypothesis True or False:  True.  I like it.  I am not sure what rules I should date by, so I really just want to let them go and figure things out my way... even if that means I get hurt.

Results:  It is weird, final results still pending.  Each one of these guys have influenced my life in someway... so let's be friends on Facebook.  I have communicated with each one on Facebook minus The Ref who took awhile to accept the request.  It doesn't make sense to let them in my weird Facebook world, but all these guys made up one of the best years of my life... and I like to know I am not still ending things on bad terms.

It is just one really complicated social experiment anyways.

A or F

A guy I knew from high school asked me to join his softball team. He had randomly posted on Facebook last year that he needed a girl sub, I told him if I lived in Colorado I would play... sure enough he held me to it. I love to play softball. I organized the coed team at my last job in Texas and eventually gave the coed team to the ex. I enjoy it, I am pretty good at it.

We have not won a game. My team is competitive, we never get blown out and I have met some people I know I would not have normally. But we lose... typically by one point. It gets frustrating, give me an A or give me a F. Being average can take it's toll sometimes. Tonight we were playing our second to last game of the season and I found myself in a comfortable spot behind home plate playing catcher. I have played here all season long. I like it... but I am too good defensively to hide out behind home plate. I realized that tonight as we lost by one and I watched several girls make error after error on simple plays, I realized I didn't try all season. Whoa.

Why? Why would I not put myself in the best place to give my team the best chance to win? Was I afraid of being on a new team and the thought that it would be me making those errors? I realized I was just as responsible for every single loss this year as anyone else. I sold myself short. It was a harsh realization. I would give myself a F.

Give it a Year

August 6 will be the one year anniversary of my last day at work in Dallas.  When I went to Texas I told myself I wasn't moving just for a boy and that it would take me at least a year to get settled.  I did move to Texas for a boy and it did take me about a year to get settled.  I find myself in the same situation but this time in a familiar place.  The social aspect of my life was easy.  I haven't had this much fun as I have had in this last year in a long time.  The job?  That was the hard part.

I struggled with the thought that I gave up what I was good at for someone else.  I had worked so hard and so long, and what felt like overnight, it was gone.  A good friend reminded me that even though the job was gone, I was the same person.  I had the same skills and abilities to get back to where I was in Dallas.  She was right.  I was recently informed by my boss that my firm is about to get ridiculously busy with some very interesting design and planning projects and there is no way they can handle it all on their own.  They are ready to move me into the management role and include me in all management meetings.  FINALLY.  I love this side of engineering.  Having a team, training others, managing projects and clients... this is what I am good at.  This is what I miss most about Dallas.  Now, now I have that in Colorado. 

What a great feeling to look back at where you have been and realize everything worked out, and that you did it.  I could be in the exact same situation I was a year ago, but I am not.  I am slowly moving forward, this time enjoying the journey a little more, laughing a little more at myself.  Can't wait to see where I am in another year.

Throwing in the Towel

Life changes.  I get it.  Hell, I am living it and some days just simply rolling with it.  Lately I wonder if my time in Texas helped at all in discovering what I like?  I get that question all the time, "What do you like to do?"  Well, I used to do triathlons and worked out all the time.  However, I really don't do that anymore, in fact I haven't done a triathlon since my Half Ironman in 2009 and I work out during the week to sustain my social life on the weekends.  I recently had the opportunity to participate in a triathlon with some friends up in Silverthorne, CO.  I went for the longer option 0.5 mile swim, 20 mile bike and 6.2 mile run.  I went up there, gave it all I could, met some cool people, enjoyed the beautiful state around me and decided somewhere around mile 12 on the bike this is my last triathlon.

I don't know why I felt like that.  Triathlons were the one thing I loved doing with the ex, he wasn't there this time.  It was my way to meet people in Texas, I am not in Texas.  I had to leave a friends birthday party to wake up at 5:30am on Sunday and I was not happy about it.  Triathlons do not fit the lifestyle I find myself living, the one I am currently enjoying.  I don't know if I am throwing in the towel for good... but I taking an indefinite leave of absence.

When you realize you are slowly closing the doors of your previous life so that you can open the doors to your new life, emotions surface.  I learned so much about who I am and what I don't want in my 20s... but what do I want?  I am still opening those doors to find out.  Lately that has included hanging out with a 26 year old construction worker.  I can't explain this one.  I have learned that trying to explain it just sounds like a really bad late night movie.  I thought he was just filling an emotional void since I never heard from the Vegan post-Brazil... but then one night after our softball game he goes, "This would be alot easier if you would give me a chance."  So, why not?  Not sure what I have to lose at this point.  "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -Einstein

Check Please?

It is a hot topic among the single ladies: when a guy takes you out when are you obligated to offer to pay?  What does it mean if he lets you pay?  Or if you split the check?  I have firm ground here, I hope the guy pays for the first couple of dates and then I offer to pick something up or make dinner... I will typically offer to help with tip in hopes that he turns me down.  If it doesn't go this way, I lose interest pretty fast.  For other women, it is different... they don't mind splitting the check, or even paying.

This is the only rule that makes sense to me when it comes to dating.  Seriously.  That is it.  Nothing else makes sense, everyone does it their own way... and from what I have observed, not sure who has it all figured out.  In the last 18 months I have dated a wide range of guys, from the investment analyst to the environmental lawyer, from the construction sales rep to the construction worker... I have kind of liked them all.  I will say though, of the four that came to mind right away, three just ended things the classy way, but not calling back.  Technically, you are allowed to do that.  Technically, Sarah Palin has the right to run for President, doesn't mean she should.

I got this from a friend:  While it's often fashionable to dwell upon what might have been, what's usually overlooked is that, really and truly, it couldn't have.  Because, invariably, any romanticized versions of how things "might have been," are based upon fictionalized versions of the past.

So I have accepted that I may be dating for a long time. That is fine.  And after each first date I look forward to discussing with my girlfriends, who paid for what. 

I Haven't Seen the Half of It

Sometimes I think I went through the worst year anyone could have, my last year in Texas. Then I think, that is a pretty selfish thought. When in reality since I have been home I have seen some close friends go through some serious life changes that make my last year in Texas pale in comparison. We all go through things, we really can't put them on a scale of "which is worse" because when you experiencing it, nothing is worse. Only when you get out of it or accept it, and emerge a stronger, better person, that you realize, it wasn't THAT bad.

The months leading up to my return to Colorado, I got support from people that I would have never thought would be there for me. One in particular I co-captained my high school basketball team with. Our friendship took some really long path, including years we didn't talk, didn't really care for the other person and eventually she became one of my closer friends. That last year in Texas she made herself available to me... even though that meant taking time away from her husband and little girl... she made me a priority when I needed it the most. She even celebrated my 29th birthday in a leaky limo on a rainy night in Texas, and was there when I finally moved back. A couple of months ago she was diagnosed with MS.

She still takes time out to meet me for breakfast or dinner, and I realize just how hard it is for moms to get away, and I appreciate it each time. I love that I am home where I can at least attempt to be there for her like she was for me. But I don't have answers, solutions... I hate that. All I know is each time I see her I want to remind her that she is not my friend with MS, she is my friend that has always been there, who has an amazing life and will somehow incorporate this into her routine and will become better than she was before. In the end that is what I have learned... we will all go through stuff and sometimes it is not fair... and if you really want to be a better person, you will accept it, learn from it and wake up smiling because it was all for a reason.

I am only 30. I haven't seen the half of it. Hard times are still ahead of me and my friends, but we will get through them together. To celebrate my amazing friend I have decided to raise money for MS Research in typical Morgan fashion, by participating in a race. Any support is appreciated, this time it is for a cause, for a person, that means so much to me.

Click Here

One Extreme to Another

It is deeply rooted into my personality to jump from one extreme to another.  I was thinking about this as I was losing my 100th softball game in a row last night.  There is this guy on my team, younger (of course, 26), construction worker, hot... it has become clear to me over the last couple of weeks that he is interested in hanging out away from softball.  -- it must be my amazing skillz, that is all i got to say  I am thinking about it, he is hot and we do have fun on the team together... but here I go, thinking about someone that is the exact opposite of the Vegan.  This won't be the first guy, the ex was COMPLETE opposite of the guy I moved to Texas for.  Going from the extreme alpha male to the extreme beta male,what was I thinking... where is my in between?  Not really looking to making that mistake again.

I do it in life too... I go from not dating to a multi-year relationship.  A job that requires all my energy to one that maybe demands 50 percent.  I go from only running and reading every night to having a social calendar that rivals Kim Kardashian.   If I am going to run, I am going to do a marathon.  I either sit on the couch and do nothing or workout for two hours.  I am all or nothing. 

I can remember sitting in my office in Dallas, on the verge of tears from the stress that was taking over my life.  My boss walks in to give me more stuff to do, and I just look at him, "I am going to break, is there someone else that can do this?"  After he convinces me that I am the one that needs to do this new task, he follows it up with, "You need to work on your work-life balance."  Fuck you.  That is what I thought.  Don't come to me with your corporate buzz words when I am busting my ass, failing at my relationship, lacking friendships... but it was true.  It still is true.  I have got to find the middle instead of going from one extreme to another.

My To Do List

Colorado is amazing.  I almost forgot how much it is a part of me.  I am not sure I could have reconnected with my life and the person I want to be anywhere else.  With that being said, I have no vacation and not a whole lot of money... so I created a Colorado To Do List (see side bar).  I have been slowly checking things off the list, and when someone asks what trips I have planned... I just tell them I don't, but I have my to do list.

Rockies Home Opener... uhhh, it was as amazing as it looks.

St Mary's Glacier... I have always wanted to go and never did.  I think I need to go back in the summer.

Mt. Bierdstat - 14,065 ft - Ho Hum just another 14er

Half Marathon in Moab - My first Moab trip and nature race, loved it (loved the girls too)

I have never been to the Bluebird on Colfax.  I loved this venue and Foster the People were pretty entertaining.  Ironicaly I went with an old Dallas coworker.  Life is crazy.

I haven't been to the Filmore since they renamed it... and to see Mumford and Sons, are you kidding me? Perfect.

White water rafting... great year for runoff.  Haven't done this since Costa Rica - 2006

Red Rocks.  Avett Brothers.  Best Concert Venue in the United States, I stand by that.  This is my second home.

First time snowshoeing!  Not too many firsts left, I think, but they sure are fun.

Three Sides to Every Story

I have always heard there are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. The other night when I was sitting in my friend's mom's amazing backyard enjoying the best cup of tea and getting motherly advice on life. One thing my friend's mom said that got me thinking, "Remember there are three sides to every story, her version, his version and the truth."

I printed out every blog from last year, I sometimes read it... that is my version of what happened. I am sure every person I mention has a completely different version... and is the truth something separate of both accounts? When you go through something that is so painful to both parties, does the truth completely get lost? Does it really matter how it went down? Maya Angelou said it best, "People will forget what you did, people will forget what you said, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I try to carry that with me. I got to a place last year where I probably wasn't looking at anything from anyone else's prospective... not an objective place to be. Not a good place to be.

I am completely in love with my life. I am in a great place to worry about the consequences of my actions, what a great place to be. I was talking climate change with the Vegan, and I asked him "do you ever read the argument against climate change?" He looked at me like I was crazy, there is not another side... I agree, but I have read it... thanks to my old running partner who likes to send me links to Fox News. Moments like that make me realize, I am not the only one that went through last year, it felt like it at the time, but I wasn't. I see that now... and somewhere, there is the truth, but it is not my version and it is not his version, that I know for sure.

What Does She Bring to the Table?

One of the craziest moments... walking down the streets of Newport, RI in the rain and getting caught up in a bachelorette party gone wrong. A few of the girls in the back were yelling at the group of girls about 20 yards ahead of them, basically describing a member of the party that did not "bring anything to the table." I just chalked it up to age and immaturity and walked as fast as I could to get out of the rain.

Through any life change, you realize that some people in your life may not make it to where you are going... what they bring to the table, you don't want or need anymore. I am a firm believer in that everyone brings something to the table, something you need in your life at that moment. You just may not realize it at the time. Sometimes you recognize instantly what a certain person will bring into your life, other times it takes a few rounds of hanging out before you get it. With all the changes in my life over the last 10 years, I accept that people come into my life for a lifetime, reason or season... accept that, love that, learn from that.

That is my challenge to myself. To not hang out with people that are just like me, that would do everything the way I would do it. I am not perfect. It takes less time to get to know those that are inline with your life... but it is more fun to see the world through someone else's eyes. A year ago, I didn't bring much to the table. I worked, ran and that was about it. Thank you to those that stuck by my side when I wasn't myself, when I was going through change... who didn't judge me for doing things differently than they would do it. Time to pay that forward... and have a lot of fun in the process.

Simple

Sometimes you think it is just a museum. It is just a rooftop. It is just a restrauant. It is just a date. Then you realize it is more. It is in that moment, that thought I realized I am finding complete joy in very simple things. There was a time in my life when I walked around with my ipod on, music echoing in my head and I just tried to get from A to B as fast as I could. Now, I slow down.

What happens when you slow down? You stop to talk to the museum employees that are selling tickets to a modern art exhibit. You notice the art's space. And even though you don't understand it you find yourself staring at a video (art) and you just feel. You notice the smooth transistions between frames, but feel emotion when out of nowhere you are looking at something different than what was expected, anticipated. You find the only rooftop in Denver that is not crammed with people and you find yourself talking to a Vegan about fly fishing without a hook. This same Vegan has worn the same shirt each time you have seen him. And you find comfort in this shirt and the simplicity it represents.

I know life is not simple. It can be hard. It can be unbearable. I have learned that if I refuse, forget to slow down I will make it worse. I will forget. I will forget who I am, how good it is to feel and I won't find myself in those simple moments where I have a beer in my hand, green roof below my feet and my favorite City all around me.

B.P.C.E.

It started with a simple email from a friend in Texas, "You have to do this."  I open the link and there it is, a 16 person bike that looks like a trolley car.  The gist of this vehicle, you have a driver and 10 people pedaling the rig from bar to bar.  There is a bench in the back for others and a place in the middle for someone to stand.  I forward this on to four girlfriends and tell them we should think about it.  Next thing I know the Canadian has forwarded it on to all her guy friends, we are picking a weekend and I am sending in the deposit.  The simple start to the Best Pub Crawl Ever.

What I love is that I want to organize this stuff again.  I have work.  I have a dating life.  And I have friends.  No drama, just let's get together and have a good time.  We couldn't really put together a theme, just two words, Toob Socks.  Of course, no one is on time... we get off to a frustrating late start and as we start pedaling out of the parking lot Ace of Base comes on... all is well with the world, the mood is immediately lifted. 

We hit some dive bars and then headed into LoDo (lower downtown) right into the heart of Rockies traffic.  The music play list is in full force and with one crawler in the middle of the bike wearing a shirt "Auditor by Day, Ninja By Night" the Rockies fans become pedal ride spectators as we block everyone going 5 mph.  Everyone is taking our pictures, honking, waving... we are taking Sake Bombs, pickle shots... documenting the whole adventure with a camera. 

This was just Saturday.  Thursday I spent the evening at a Mumford and Sons concert.  Easily Top 5 of all time... Friday I had a Vegan cook me dinner for the first time and then Sunday I went to the Canadian's to watch the final three episodes of Oprah.  I hope all of you are on Facebook so you can see these pictures... somethings, some feelings I can't yet put into words.  But, life is amazing.

I Owe This One

There are times when I go out and I get completely hammered, other times I am dancing and alone in my own world, and then there are times when I am the fly on the wall.  Memorial Weekend I went out with some lady friends, and I was the fly on the wall.  I wasn't really drinking and I couldn't get into the DJ.  I was however, in one of the craziest bars/dance clubs in Denver.  This joint is underground, no ventilation and every stereotype is present and accounted for... amazing people watching. 

I watch one woman who radiates confidence dance with every guy that comes by.  I notice a party in the corner and think how great it would be to be graduating college again... and then as I am testing out my two-seconds more than comfortable look on a hot guy, I get approached by another.  He is cute, tall but instantly I peg him for 24.  I have been here... done with this mental game, I decide to just talk to him.  And all he really wants to do is talk. 

I can't hear two words this kid is saying.  But I notice his black fingernails, mohawk and bracelets... oh, I love Colorado.  He buys me a drink and finally asks, "How old are you?" 

Me:  Well I know I am older than you.
Kid:  I was thinking you are 25.  (that is cute)
Me:  No, I am 30.
Kid:  Really?  You have alot of energy and look really good for 30.

Well... I am not dead.  I find out he is 22. 

Kid: Did you know I was younger than you?
Me:  Yes.
Kid:  How did you know?
Me:  Guys my age typically don't paint their nails, have a mohawk or bracelets.

Then he tells me he is new to the area and is just trying to make friends.  Apparently the hot guy I had spotted earlier was his brother, who comes over to tell me I am invited to the after party.  I tell the 22 year old how great it is that his whole group of friends will not stop watching us.  He responds, "Well I think it is because you are a girl.  I am bisexual, I hope that doesn't bother you, but they are kind of in denial about it."  I think people peg me as easy to talk to.  He asks for my number so we can be friends, I give it to him... later on that night I get this text message (not making any of this up):

what i meant tonight is that i really think ur soooooo amazing i just want 2 be friends.... im new and i need good friends like u. ur fun. goodnight :)  ur a good dancer by the way

Awwww being single.  I love it.  I think this kid has a good heart.  I have yet to met up with him and the fact that I can read and understand his text message scares me a little.  When did people stop using punctuation and start shortening 2-3 letter words?  Good thing I have alot of energy.

Insecure or Hypocrite, Both?

One thing that I have associated with, even blamed failed relationships on, in my 20s is insecurity.  I convinced myself that most guys I dated were insecure about dating a woman that liked football, was social, successful in her career, "smart."  I told myself there is a guy out there that is secure enough to date me and trend away from the society's definition of gender roles in a relationship. 

Then I went out on a date, ok call it two, with a guy who appears to be secure with all these things.  In fact, he understands what I do for a living, can have an educated conversation on books, politics, and clearly doesn't care about society's definition of success, career, marriage, kids.  He even has a masters in environmental law.  This guy is perfect, right?  During these two dates, insecurities have surfaced I had no idea were there.  I am slightly intimidated by how smart he is, can I keep up?  Do I need to keep up?  In fact after severely over analyzing this insecurity, I am excited to take it on.  I joke around that maybe I chose to date guys not as educated or informed as me so I could be the "smart" one in the relationship.  Growing up I was not the cute one, I was the smart one... I think subconsciously I wanted to keep it that way.  That was my identity.  An identity that others put on me.  That didn't work out.

The second insecurity I struggle with.  I struggle with it because I think it is shallow, superficial, everything I thought Dallas was and I was not.  I think this guy is very attractive, but he is skinny.  Frontman to a indie band skinny.  Skateboarder skinny.  When I see him, I don't see me standing next to him, I see a shorter, petite brunette standing by his side.  That makes me insecure.  For the first time in a long time I don't feel I am physically attractive, or "look" the part.  Then I start thinking, do I have the "look" to attract the guy I am looking for... and if this guy has some of the pieces I have been missing, it is not for me to decide if he thinks I am attractive?  For the first time I am faced with the challenge to break what would be the social norm, on the surface.  Not as easy as I thought all these years. 

The disclaimer here is, I don't like that I feel this way, I want to change it.  Either that or I can just date some young 24-year old that thinks I am "sooooooo amazing...(and) a good dancer."  True story, I actually got that text from a 22-year old, please spare me the judgement on why he has my number... that is for another blog.

Old Pictures

With friends getting married, moving, traveling the world, I have been looking through old pictures.  Everyone jokes around with what to do with pictures, since the digital age, people don't do alot.  I have all mine on a flash drive.  I found the 2010-Paris folder... the girl I saw run a marathon in Paris got married last weekend and another left Dallas to begin her life in Salt Lake City.  I love these pictures.  But there is one that gets me everytime.

We ended up at some gardens one day in Paris.  In the center of this garden was a small, man-made pond.  For a fee you could rent a little boat, but it wasn't the typical remote control boat you would see in the States.  It was a sailboat with a stick.  The kids would put their boats in the water and push them around from the edge of the pond.  It was so simple.  They were happy. 

It was that exact moment that I wanted joy out of simplicity.  I wanted it back... those days I spent in the backyard with my brother making up endless games with a ball.  When you could just look outside and smile, those days when you remembered to look outside.  Those kids had that happiness that I associate with youth... and everytime I see this picture I think of that.  I went for a walk around City Park last night at the end of a date, he spent most of the walk pointing out things he notices when he is in the park alone... those moments.  I want more of those.

Hot. Corporate. Hell.

I can remember 18 months ago thinking, "just give me 6 months and I will be fine."  That thinking was the beginning of the end for me.  I needed more time... and I finally got it, and I am finally fine.  I briefly rolled into Dallas for my Ironman friend's wedding.  In typical Morgan fashion, I tried to see as many people as I could in a very brief period... old cowokers, old bosses, old clients, old friends, old running partner... I fit them all into a jammed packed two days, not to mention why I really went down there; to see one of the most amazing people I know get married to the man that makes her the happiest I have ever seen almost anyone.  It is couples like this that remind you, don't settle for anything less than what they have...

This time I was not in tears when I left Texas... I left with a smile on my face, happy to be going home.  It is behind me, all of it.  It is without a doubt a part of me, but I felt it, experienced it and learned from it.  I learned I am a Coloradoan at heart.  And although we can handle any blizzard, heat wave, freak storm... we can not handle humidity.  I am also not cut-throat.  I like to give credit where credit is due, and I was not prepared for the corporate world.  I was good at it, but I hated what that brought out in people.  I love coming to work, doing work and going home... I have a life again. 

Somewhere in my 20s I almost forgot what was important or what I really wanted in life.  I always think about a moment in high school basketball when my coach asked us to write down what we wanted in life... I don't remember the whole sheet, but I wrote that I wanted to hear every language in the respective country.  Now, I realize that is a lofty goal... none-the-less, I wanted to travel.  I didn't write that I wanted to be associate, a wife, a mother, own a house... I tried it their way.  It was hell.  So glad to be doing it my way.  Traveling, dancing, laughing, dating... living my way with real people, real friends standing all around me.

The Baseball Field

Sometimes I think that the decisions our parents make for us when we are kids plays a large roll in who we are and become. I can remember my parents signing me up for t-ball when I was 5. We were the Cubs, we wore light blue and I was one of two girls on the team. I remember I didn't want to play in the outfield because I was a girl, I wanted to play second base, where the best player on our team played. I played baseball with the boys until I was told I had to play softball. My last year playing with the boys, my last game, I finally got to start at second base. I have been trying to keep up with the boys ever since.

I love baseball. My first MLB game in Texas I went on my birthday, on a Sunday afternoon, to see the Boston Red Sox play... I was trying to pretend I was still in Colorado. In reality I was in Texas, I was hot, I didn't know one player on the Rangers team and there was not a microbrew in sight. I fell out of love with baseball for 6+ years... and then I came home and moved 1.5 miles from Coors Field.

On my way home from work and on my walk to Coors Field, I pass by this one City owned baseball field. It is in the ghetto, Five Points but on the edge of the City. There is a public library next to it, with a playground. I never see children at the park, but I see baseball games, softball games daily. The kids playing are just like me, white, probably young professionals, looking to stay active. Their audience? Homeless people, black neighbors, baseball fans. This image makes me feel. I love that. I think... do the softball players care that homeless people have lined up for a game? Are they intimidated? Are the homeless people bitter, do they think the players are spoiled? Or is everyone out there just to enjoy baseball? And for a moment, for an hour... we can all put our differences aside, ignore the fact that life is not fair and just enjoy baseball... like we did that first awkward day at t-ball before we learned that we were different, that life isn't fair and sometimes it isn't about keeping up with the boys.

Keeping It in Perspective

Two things I got from two very good friends last year: a water bottle that says "Keep Calm and Carry on", and "Oh The Places You Will Go" by Dr. Suess. These two items motivated me, kept me going when I didn't want to. I can admit my time in Texas has taught me to be more patient and remain calm... I can feel it, small things really just don't bother me anymore. I have also slowed down to notice those moments, those moments to remind me, things are good.

Last night I had one of those moments. I had spent my Saturday afternoon talking to a few of my friends and no matter how the conversation started, each time it ended with a story of someone we knew cheating on someone, getting divorced, just couples that were unhappy. I went over to the Canadians condo, nicely located next to Mile Hi, where I join her and another friend to share in a glass of wine and much needed girl time. We grab our wine, blankets and head to the rooftop, to enjoy the last few hours of daylight, each other's company and the close but distant sounds of The Fray and U2.

On the rooftop, we are joined by a physical therapist. One thing leads to another and we quickly learn he moved to Denver with his soon be ex-wife. He fit right into the topic of the day's conversation. A little more vino and we learn that the man has a serious heart condition, is on the waiting list for a heart transplant and this condition was too much for his wife and she wanted a divorce. That, and she had his U2 concert ticket. We all agreed that his story was the worst of the day, and if all that was true... he had married someone without a soul. They had been married for 18 months and he was 34 years old, not only with a bad heart, but a broken one too.

My life is good. I have great friends, I love my job and I am FINALLY happy with where I am in life. I meet people like the physical therapist and they remind me of where I have been, what I have learned and how fortunate I am to be here. My last year in Texas can be summed up by a page in my Dr Seuss book,

You can get so confused
that you'll start to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space
headed, I fear, toward the most useless place
The Waiting Place...

I was in the waiting place for far too long. I hope to never do that again, to keep it in perspective and live, no matter the situation... We only have one life, but if we do it right that is all we will need.

"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed" - Dr Seuss

What I Was Looking For

Not sure who knows, but I moved to Texas for a guy and I left Texas because of a guy. That is a fact. Needless to say, my 20s were full of "guys," and once I left Colorado, not many friends. It was something I took for granted when I left, that the friends I had I could make anywhere. Granted, I kept in touch with all of them, but with any relationship... long distance changes things. Lately the saying, "The more things change, the more things stay the same" starts to become clearer in the strangest moments. Like when I am dancing in a club with girls from high school and a friend from Texas, or when I am posing for a picture with my old college roommate that lives in Boston but now with her husband and as I am listening to my 90-year grandpa tell me why I shouldn't be routing for the Lakers to beat the Mavericks... I am slowly becoming me again. This last month, I kinda of dated... I would say I am hitting dry spell when it comes to guys... but this last month I have had some amazing moments with friends I have had since 8th grade and friends I have had for 8 months. I have even had the chance to reconnect with friends I thought I lost.

I love to dance and travel. Three of the last four weekends included some sort of dance party and the other weekend was spent in California, celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday and watching the Rockies play at AT&T Park with a guy I have known since I was 13. I couldn't be happier. This is what I was missing... this was why when things got bad they got really bad, there were very few people available to make me laugh, laugh at me and dance. And now, all I do is laugh and dance. I have learned to laugh again... really laugh and know that all these people around me will be there, even if it gets ugly.

Life has brought me back where I was always supposed to be... this time with a few life lessons, maybe a little baggage... but at least it is cute and matches.