The 4 AM Meltdown

The date went well.  The basketball game, turned dinner, turned post meal drink on my porch was finally making me feel comfortable around the Vegan.  With all dating situations, you reach a point where one person feels the need to define the relationship or make sure the other person understands how that person feels about the relationship.  I almost held my breathe when he said he wanted to talk about "us."  He admitted he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and well, neither am I.  So I was open to defining what we had, friends with benefits, no benefits, dating, dating others... open to talking about it. 

Vegan:  So I am not ready to jump back into anything serious.
Me:  I don't think I am ready for that either, but I don't want to date someone if there are limitations up front.
Silence.
Me:  Do you know what you want?  Or what kind of dating relationship you want to be in?
Vegan:  I am just living life.
Silence (probably some dumbfounded look)
Vegan:  I really enjoy sitting on your porch and listening to the crickets.

The end of that conversation apparently. 

We talked about my sister, that experience, life and then he got up to leave.  As he was leaving he told me that he wanted to hang out, and suggested this short story reading I mentioned.  Without hesitation, I just said "I don't think that is a good idea."  I shocked myself.  I shocked him.  He thanked me for hanging out and later sent a text apologizing for not explaining himself and that if I wanted to hang out again I knew where to find him.  He even listed all these things we have done that he would do with me... But I liked this guy.  And I have amazing friends to do "stuff" with.  I just responded "Not sure I would have got to a point where I would understand."  Mainly because he doesn't know, understand... and I have been with guys like this.  It hurts.  I wasn't going down that road again.

Then I woke up at 4am, out of a dead sleep and couldn't fall back asleep.  I panicked. Why did I say that?  Why can't I just hang out?  Maybe he just needs time?  The longer I thought about it the worse it got... maybe I won't meet anyone, ever.  Is this it?  What if no one ever looks at me in the eyes in the way that makes you know everything will be ok?  I cried.  There it was, me admitting for the first time in a long time that dating is hard, and even if you relax and open up, it may not work.  I wanted to text him that I had made a mistake... but I texted a new found friend about my instant need for whiskey instead. 

I woke up, put on a skirt, did my hair and went to work.  It was a hard day on the inside but I looked good on the outside.  I may have been rejected, but I also stood up for myself and did what was best for me.  You need a good meltdown once and awhile anyways.

Not Just Yet...

Things are still crazy.  I realize there are times where I love and hate my social life at the same time.  Those periods in life where you are so busy that you realized you haven't stopped to watch the sunset in weeks... I am currently swallowed up in one of those periods.  Don't get me wrong I have loved every moment, from the out-of-state visitors, to the hikes, dinner parties, races... in these busy periods I sometimes lose patience.  My lack of patience had me thinking of the next top ten list: Ten Things that Show Your Age. 

I am not ready for that list, not just yet.  How do I know?  Today at lunch I was picking out a shirt for my date tonight with the Vegan, when I was approached by a guy who "just had to stop and say hi because of the positive energy I was giving off."  It was cute.  However, I question any guy that would hit on me during the work hours of a Monday, I will look better today after my run.  He also had the same name as my ex, not his fault, but I could not handle that.  I did give him my number, I just could not say no he was trying so hard.  There I am, giving a guy my number in a mall, PacSun of all stores.  Yes, yes I am in PacSun looking for a shirt to wear on a date... go ahead, judge.  What am I? Sixteen?  Apparently.  Not ready to admit I show my age, not yet anyways.  I hope never.

Finding My Stride

Move number 5 in the last 18 months was completed this past weekend.  I am living by myself, closer to the parks, running trails... the things that I so desperately wanted to have when I moved back.  I have them.  "Wherever you go, there you are."  I can only hope this move confirms that I have not been running away from myself but I have just been trying to figure out where I belong. 

This weekend also confirmed I belong in Colorado, preferably in the mountains with running shoes on.  I completed a half marathon that goes between Georgetown and Idaho Springs.  I loved it.  The Canadian ran with me.  I slowly caught up with her around mile 7.5 and quickly realized she was too injured to finish.  I walked with her to the next aide station and continued on.  I have been here before, leaving my running partner behind with injury... it is hard thing to do.  I hope no one ever has to leave me.  Somewhere in that 13.1 miles I found my stride again, fell back in love with running and realized everything I have done in the last 30 years had led me to that exact moment in my life.  I just smiled.

I have finally signed up for a short story writing class.  I am so nervous.  I have to submit a story and allow my story to be openly discussed by a room full of peers for a 20 minute period.  Here we go.  Writing is not engineering or running, it is foreign to me and I have plenty of room to improve.  The deep end looks good apparently.  Lately I have been exposing parts of me that are sensitive, making me vulnerable and subject to rejection.  I need a really good topic.  I need to just smile, then breathe.  This is who I am, I hope you like it.

The Social Experiment

The Social Experiment turned Scientific Experiment

Question:  Do you ever feel like you are living one large social experiment? 

Do Background Research:  I suck at dating.  If it wasn't for the last 18 months, not sure I would even say I dated.  I was just in relationships.  Those didn't end well and I really don't talk to the guys that made up a decade of my life.  The more I ask around the more I realize most people try to make dating a black and white issue.  It is anything but that, and I constantly find myself fumbling text messages, phone calls, dates... and probably thinking too much and in the end feeling like I messed it up.  It is a trend.

Construct a Hypothesis:  What happens if you just let go of all the rules and do what you feel like?

Test With an Experiment:  I have recently friended every guy I have "dated" since my return to Colorado and unblocked the ex (not friends, just unblock).  They have all accepted:  Steelers Fan, The Ref, The Vegan, The 26-year old Construction Worker... all present and accounted for.

Hypothesis True or False:  True.  I like it.  I am not sure what rules I should date by, so I really just want to let them go and figure things out my way... even if that means I get hurt.

Results:  It is weird, final results still pending.  Each one of these guys have influenced my life in someway... so let's be friends on Facebook.  I have communicated with each one on Facebook minus The Ref who took awhile to accept the request.  It doesn't make sense to let them in my weird Facebook world, but all these guys made up one of the best years of my life... and I like to know I am not still ending things on bad terms.

It is just one really complicated social experiment anyways.

A or F

A guy I knew from high school asked me to join his softball team. He had randomly posted on Facebook last year that he needed a girl sub, I told him if I lived in Colorado I would play... sure enough he held me to it. I love to play softball. I organized the coed team at my last job in Texas and eventually gave the coed team to the ex. I enjoy it, I am pretty good at it.

We have not won a game. My team is competitive, we never get blown out and I have met some people I know I would not have normally. But we lose... typically by one point. It gets frustrating, give me an A or give me a F. Being average can take it's toll sometimes. Tonight we were playing our second to last game of the season and I found myself in a comfortable spot behind home plate playing catcher. I have played here all season long. I like it... but I am too good defensively to hide out behind home plate. I realized that tonight as we lost by one and I watched several girls make error after error on simple plays, I realized I didn't try all season. Whoa.

Why? Why would I not put myself in the best place to give my team the best chance to win? Was I afraid of being on a new team and the thought that it would be me making those errors? I realized I was just as responsible for every single loss this year as anyone else. I sold myself short. It was a harsh realization. I would give myself a F.

Give it a Year

August 6 will be the one year anniversary of my last day at work in Dallas.  When I went to Texas I told myself I wasn't moving just for a boy and that it would take me at least a year to get settled.  I did move to Texas for a boy and it did take me about a year to get settled.  I find myself in the same situation but this time in a familiar place.  The social aspect of my life was easy.  I haven't had this much fun as I have had in this last year in a long time.  The job?  That was the hard part.

I struggled with the thought that I gave up what I was good at for someone else.  I had worked so hard and so long, and what felt like overnight, it was gone.  A good friend reminded me that even though the job was gone, I was the same person.  I had the same skills and abilities to get back to where I was in Dallas.  She was right.  I was recently informed by my boss that my firm is about to get ridiculously busy with some very interesting design and planning projects and there is no way they can handle it all on their own.  They are ready to move me into the management role and include me in all management meetings.  FINALLY.  I love this side of engineering.  Having a team, training others, managing projects and clients... this is what I am good at.  This is what I miss most about Dallas.  Now, now I have that in Colorado. 

What a great feeling to look back at where you have been and realize everything worked out, and that you did it.  I could be in the exact same situation I was a year ago, but I am not.  I am slowly moving forward, this time enjoying the journey a little more, laughing a little more at myself.  Can't wait to see where I am in another year.

Throwing in the Towel

Life changes.  I get it.  Hell, I am living it and some days just simply rolling with it.  Lately I wonder if my time in Texas helped at all in discovering what I like?  I get that question all the time, "What do you like to do?"  Well, I used to do triathlons and worked out all the time.  However, I really don't do that anymore, in fact I haven't done a triathlon since my Half Ironman in 2009 and I work out during the week to sustain my social life on the weekends.  I recently had the opportunity to participate in a triathlon with some friends up in Silverthorne, CO.  I went for the longer option 0.5 mile swim, 20 mile bike and 6.2 mile run.  I went up there, gave it all I could, met some cool people, enjoyed the beautiful state around me and decided somewhere around mile 12 on the bike this is my last triathlon.

I don't know why I felt like that.  Triathlons were the one thing I loved doing with the ex, he wasn't there this time.  It was my way to meet people in Texas, I am not in Texas.  I had to leave a friends birthday party to wake up at 5:30am on Sunday and I was not happy about it.  Triathlons do not fit the lifestyle I find myself living, the one I am currently enjoying.  I don't know if I am throwing in the towel for good... but I taking an indefinite leave of absence.

When you realize you are slowly closing the doors of your previous life so that you can open the doors to your new life, emotions surface.  I learned so much about who I am and what I don't want in my 20s... but what do I want?  I am still opening those doors to find out.  Lately that has included hanging out with a 26 year old construction worker.  I can't explain this one.  I have learned that trying to explain it just sounds like a really bad late night movie.  I thought he was just filling an emotional void since I never heard from the Vegan post-Brazil... but then one night after our softball game he goes, "This would be alot easier if you would give me a chance."  So, why not?  Not sure what I have to lose at this point.  "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -Einstein