Sometimes I think that the decisions our parents make for us when we are kids plays a large roll in who we are and become. I can remember my parents signing me up for t-ball when I was 5. We were the Cubs, we wore light blue and I was one of two girls on the team. I remember I didn't want to play in the outfield because I was a girl, I wanted to play second base, where the best player on our team played. I played baseball with the boys until I was told I had to play softball. My last year playing with the boys, my last game, I finally got to start at second base. I have been trying to keep up with the boys ever since.
I love baseball. My first MLB game in Texas I went on my birthday, on a Sunday afternoon, to see the Boston Red Sox play... I was trying to pretend I was still in Colorado. In reality I was in Texas, I was hot, I didn't know one player on the Rangers team and there was not a microbrew in sight. I fell out of love with baseball for 6+ years... and then I came home and moved 1.5 miles from Coors Field.
On my way home from work and on my walk to Coors Field, I pass by this one City owned baseball field. It is in the ghetto, Five Points but on the edge of the City. There is a public library next to it, with a playground. I never see children at the park, but I see baseball games, softball games daily. The kids playing are just like me, white, probably young professionals, looking to stay active. Their audience? Homeless people, black neighbors, baseball fans. This image makes me feel. I love that. I think... do the softball players care that homeless people have lined up for a game? Are they intimidated? Are the homeless people bitter, do they think the players are spoiled? Or is everyone out there just to enjoy baseball? And for a moment, for an hour... we can all put our differences aside, ignore the fact that life is not fair and just enjoy baseball... like we did that first awkward day at t-ball before we learned that we were different, that life isn't fair and sometimes it isn't about keeping up with the boys.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Keeping It in Perspective
Two things I got from two very good friends last year: a water bottle that says "Keep Calm and Carry on", and "Oh The Places You Will Go" by Dr. Suess. These two items motivated me, kept me going when I didn't want to. I can admit my time in Texas has taught me to be more patient and remain calm... I can feel it, small things really just don't bother me anymore. I have also slowed down to notice those moments, those moments to remind me, things are good.
Last night I had one of those moments. I had spent my Saturday afternoon talking to a few of my friends and no matter how the conversation started, each time it ended with a story of someone we knew cheating on someone, getting divorced, just couples that were unhappy. I went over to the Canadians condo, nicely located next to Mile Hi, where I join her and another friend to share in a glass of wine and much needed girl time. We grab our wine, blankets and head to the rooftop, to enjoy the last few hours of daylight, each other's company and the close but distant sounds of The Fray and U2.
On the rooftop, we are joined by a physical therapist. One thing leads to another and we quickly learn he moved to Denver with his soon be ex-wife. He fit right into the topic of the day's conversation. A little more vino and we learn that the man has a serious heart condition, is on the waiting list for a heart transplant and this condition was too much for his wife and she wanted a divorce. That, and she had his U2 concert ticket. We all agreed that his story was the worst of the day, and if all that was true... he had married someone without a soul. They had been married for 18 months and he was 34 years old, not only with a bad heart, but a broken one too.
My life is good. I have great friends, I love my job and I am FINALLY happy with where I am in life. I meet people like the physical therapist and they remind me of where I have been, what I have learned and how fortunate I am to be here. My last year in Texas can be summed up by a page in my Dr Seuss book,
You can get so confused
that you'll start to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space
headed, I fear, toward the most useless place
The Waiting Place...
I was in the waiting place for far too long. I hope to never do that again, to keep it in perspective and live, no matter the situation... We only have one life, but if we do it right that is all we will need.
"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed" - Dr Seuss
Last night I had one of those moments. I had spent my Saturday afternoon talking to a few of my friends and no matter how the conversation started, each time it ended with a story of someone we knew cheating on someone, getting divorced, just couples that were unhappy. I went over to the Canadians condo, nicely located next to Mile Hi, where I join her and another friend to share in a glass of wine and much needed girl time. We grab our wine, blankets and head to the rooftop, to enjoy the last few hours of daylight, each other's company and the close but distant sounds of The Fray and U2.
On the rooftop, we are joined by a physical therapist. One thing leads to another and we quickly learn he moved to Denver with his soon be ex-wife. He fit right into the topic of the day's conversation. A little more vino and we learn that the man has a serious heart condition, is on the waiting list for a heart transplant and this condition was too much for his wife and she wanted a divorce. That, and she had his U2 concert ticket. We all agreed that his story was the worst of the day, and if all that was true... he had married someone without a soul. They had been married for 18 months and he was 34 years old, not only with a bad heart, but a broken one too.
My life is good. I have great friends, I love my job and I am FINALLY happy with where I am in life. I meet people like the physical therapist and they remind me of where I have been, what I have learned and how fortunate I am to be here. My last year in Texas can be summed up by a page in my Dr Seuss book,
You can get so confused
that you'll start to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space
headed, I fear, toward the most useless place
The Waiting Place...
I was in the waiting place for far too long. I hope to never do that again, to keep it in perspective and live, no matter the situation... We only have one life, but if we do it right that is all we will need.
"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed" - Dr Seuss
Sunday, May 15, 2011
What I Was Looking For
Not sure who knows, but I moved to Texas for a guy and I left Texas because of a guy. That is a fact. Needless to say, my 20s were full of "guys," and once I left Colorado, not many friends. It was something I took for granted when I left, that the friends I had I could make anywhere. Granted, I kept in touch with all of them, but with any relationship... long distance changes things. Lately the saying, "The more things change, the more things stay the same" starts to become clearer in the strangest moments. Like when I am dancing in a club with girls from high school and a friend from Texas, or when I am posing for a picture with my old college roommate that lives in Boston but now with her husband and as I am listening to my 90-year grandpa tell me why I shouldn't be routing for the Lakers to beat the Mavericks... I am slowly becoming me again. This last month, I kinda of dated... I would say I am hitting dry spell when it comes to guys... but this last month I have had some amazing moments with friends I have had since 8th grade and friends I have had for 8 months. I have even had the chance to reconnect with friends I thought I lost.
I love to dance and travel. Three of the last four weekends included some sort of dance party and the other weekend was spent in California, celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday and watching the Rockies play at AT&T Park with a guy I have known since I was 13. I couldn't be happier. This is what I was missing... this was why when things got bad they got really bad, there were very few people available to make me laugh, laugh at me and dance. And now, all I do is laugh and dance. I have learned to laugh again... really laugh and know that all these people around me will be there, even if it gets ugly.
Life has brought me back where I was always supposed to be... this time with a few life lessons, maybe a little baggage... but at least it is cute and matches.
I love to dance and travel. Three of the last four weekends included some sort of dance party and the other weekend was spent in California, celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday and watching the Rockies play at AT&T Park with a guy I have known since I was 13. I couldn't be happier. This is what I was missing... this was why when things got bad they got really bad, there were very few people available to make me laugh, laugh at me and dance. And now, all I do is laugh and dance. I have learned to laugh again... really laugh and know that all these people around me will be there, even if it gets ugly.
Life has brought me back where I was always supposed to be... this time with a few life lessons, maybe a little baggage... but at least it is cute and matches.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Shit Show
There were four events that led me to Sunday morning at 4am, asking one of my best friend's husband (Boston friends) "Is there really a guy out there for me?"
Event One
I randomly saw two guys I knew at a bar before my 30th birthday, one went to high school with me, the other I knew through mutual friends in college. We started talking about this one married couple we all knew and the mutual friend goes, "When are they going to start to have kids, the dude is almost 30?" I shrug it off and then towards the end of the conversation let them know the big birthday is in three days, "So I guess that means I have three days to meet a guy and get knocked up?" We all laugh and I go watch the Rockies game.
Event Two
I turn 30.
Event Three
The guy who got me through Dallas starts sending these random emails about why I am not emailing him. I am not going to get into the way things were before I left Dallas or how he treated me during my marathon weekend... it just is what it is. He then lets me know that he hopes I "meet someone like I want."
Event Four
Friday night I am at the bar getting a beer for me and the Boston friends. Some guy starts talking to me, flirting, I smile, talk back... but once I get my beers I want to be with my friends. I have learned that friends are not something I will ever take for granted again. As I am walking away with my beers the guy goes, "Girls like you don't get it. You will always be alone."
I didn't address that statement right then, I walked away. Talked a little to the roommate about this past year and then unloaded on my friend's husband Sunday morning. We can say what we want about the guy that called me out... bitter, he will be alone, etc. The truth is I am 30, being with someone is not high on my priority list... I am not defined by a relationship with a guy, so don't tell me it is what I want. Maybe that is what you want, but that is not what I want. I have accepted I may be alone, but I would rather be alone than be married to any of the ex-boyfriends.
At the end of the conversation my friend's husband goes, "Your ex was an asshole. And I promise you, even if you like sports, make money or own a house, someone will be ok with that and will love you." I'll drink to that.
Event One
I randomly saw two guys I knew at a bar before my 30th birthday, one went to high school with me, the other I knew through mutual friends in college. We started talking about this one married couple we all knew and the mutual friend goes, "When are they going to start to have kids, the dude is almost 30?" I shrug it off and then towards the end of the conversation let them know the big birthday is in three days, "So I guess that means I have three days to meet a guy and get knocked up?" We all laugh and I go watch the Rockies game.
Event Two
I turn 30.
Event Three
The guy who got me through Dallas starts sending these random emails about why I am not emailing him. I am not going to get into the way things were before I left Dallas or how he treated me during my marathon weekend... it just is what it is. He then lets me know that he hopes I "meet someone like I want."
Event Four
Friday night I am at the bar getting a beer for me and the Boston friends. Some guy starts talking to me, flirting, I smile, talk back... but once I get my beers I want to be with my friends. I have learned that friends are not something I will ever take for granted again. As I am walking away with my beers the guy goes, "Girls like you don't get it. You will always be alone."
I didn't address that statement right then, I walked away. Talked a little to the roommate about this past year and then unloaded on my friend's husband Sunday morning. We can say what we want about the guy that called me out... bitter, he will be alone, etc. The truth is I am 30, being with someone is not high on my priority list... I am not defined by a relationship with a guy, so don't tell me it is what I want. Maybe that is what you want, but that is not what I want. I have accepted I may be alone, but I would rather be alone than be married to any of the ex-boyfriends.
At the end of the conversation my friend's husband goes, "Your ex was an asshole. And I promise you, even if you like sports, make money or own a house, someone will be ok with that and will love you." I'll drink to that.
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