The 99 Percent

I had to do it.  I was on my way home when I passed the Occupy Denver movement.  So I did what anyone in my situation would do, I parked my car and witnessed it for myself.  I came up with my own opinion, created my own memories and agreed that I was part of the 99 percent.  However, I do feel like I am on my own 1 percent when it comes to the way I approach situations.  Is it glass half empty?  A way I protect myself?  Or am I 1 percent heart and 99 percent head?

At this exact moment, myself and two of my closest friends have all met guys that we like.  We are already planning triple dates, outings, concerts.  We are all starting out on this journey at the exact same moment in time, with some pretty fantastic guys.  This has brought to my attention just how reserved and pessimistic I am about new relationships.  I like this one.  I am nervous.  I am trying hard not to hold back or bring old issues into this relationship.  I feel like I am slowly sinking... am I looking for things to complain about?  Probably.  If he isn't perfect I won't be as upset when he leaves me.  Do I believe him when he tells me how great he thinks I am?  No.  You haven't known me long enough to know how great I am.  It makes sense in my head. 

Then I look at my friends.  I look how excited they are about the smallest things, and my heart gets a little smaller.  I want to feel that.  He does those things for me.  I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.  Ever.  What kind of self reflection do I need to do to get over this?  Why can't this guy think I am amazing?  When he asks if I am ok, maybe he really cares and will always ask?  Maybe when I open up, he will stay.  So, I keep trying. 

My ex told me after he left that he never felt like I loved him.

I loved him with all I had.

Maybe I am not capable of making others feel loved.

I Walked Away Smiling

I did it.  I submitted my story to my writing class, let them read it, read a section to them and sat there for 20 minutes while they discussed what it was about.  I think they liked it, I got some great comments:

Guy from Harvard:  I don't get this girl.  This is what, her second date?  She is already in love?  She should date more.

Older Lady in the Class:  I sent this story to my son.  I think you two should meet.

I loved every minute of it.  The story is loosely based on an experience I had, but it is fiction.  I love this class.  I am learning about people through their stories, but what part is them?  Do I already know?  Do I want to know?  What part of your story is really you?  What part did you allow someone else to invent for you?  I struggle everytime I start to date someone new; which part of my story can you handle and when can you handle it? 

I Was Judged

I wish I could create a timeline.  A timeline of my life, that outlines all the major events in my life.  I would star the events that were directly related to a decision I made.  There would not be many.  I dealt with all these things.  I never gave up.  I never became bitter.  And I tried to be a great person, hold myself to some ridiculously high standard in the process.  I paid for college, graduated, worked, bought a house, everything I was "supposed" to do.  I worked out two times a day and averaged 50 hours a week at work.  I was miserable. 

I am not that person anymore.  I am happy.

Throughout my 20s, I got alot of advice.  I dated some guys that would tell me what would make me a better person, listened to "friends" tell me what would make me a better person... After this about broke me, I raised my white flag.  This is me.  I am not going to defend it.  People might judge me for it, that is fine.  In the end the only one that has to deal with the decisions I make is me, finally.  It is going to be a ridiculous ride... I can tell.