The 99 Percent

I had to do it.  I was on my way home when I passed the Occupy Denver movement.  So I did what anyone in my situation would do, I parked my car and witnessed it for myself.  I came up with my own opinion, created my own memories and agreed that I was part of the 99 percent.  However, I do feel like I am on my own 1 percent when it comes to the way I approach situations.  Is it glass half empty?  A way I protect myself?  Or am I 1 percent heart and 99 percent head?

At this exact moment, myself and two of my closest friends have all met guys that we like.  We are already planning triple dates, outings, concerts.  We are all starting out on this journey at the exact same moment in time, with some pretty fantastic guys.  This has brought to my attention just how reserved and pessimistic I am about new relationships.  I like this one.  I am nervous.  I am trying hard not to hold back or bring old issues into this relationship.  I feel like I am slowly sinking... am I looking for things to complain about?  Probably.  If he isn't perfect I won't be as upset when he leaves me.  Do I believe him when he tells me how great he thinks I am?  No.  You haven't known me long enough to know how great I am.  It makes sense in my head. 

Then I look at my friends.  I look how excited they are about the smallest things, and my heart gets a little smaller.  I want to feel that.  He does those things for me.  I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.  Ever.  What kind of self reflection do I need to do to get over this?  Why can't this guy think I am amazing?  When he asks if I am ok, maybe he really cares and will always ask?  Maybe when I open up, he will stay.  So, I keep trying. 

My ex told me after he left that he never felt like I loved him.

I loved him with all I had.

Maybe I am not capable of making others feel loved.