One thing that I have associated with, even blamed failed relationships on, in my 20s is insecurity. I convinced myself that most guys I dated were insecure about dating a woman that liked football, was social, successful in her career, "smart." I told myself there is a guy out there that is secure enough to date me and trend away from the society's definition of gender roles in a relationship.
Then I went out on a date, ok call it two, with a guy who appears to be secure with all these things. In fact, he understands what I do for a living, can have an educated conversation on books, politics, and clearly doesn't care about society's definition of success, career, marriage, kids. He even has a masters in environmental law. This guy is perfect, right? During these two dates, insecurities have surfaced I had no idea were there. I am slightly intimidated by how smart he is, can I keep up? Do I need to keep up? In fact after severely over analyzing this insecurity, I am excited to take it on. I joke around that maybe I chose to date guys not as educated or informed as me so I could be the "smart" one in the relationship. Growing up I was not the cute one, I was the smart one... I think subconsciously I wanted to keep it that way. That was my identity. An identity that others put on me. That didn't work out.
The second insecurity I struggle with. I struggle with it because I think it is shallow, superficial, everything I thought Dallas was and I was not. I think this guy is very attractive, but he is skinny. Frontman to a indie band skinny. Skateboarder skinny. When I see him, I don't see me standing next to him, I see a shorter, petite brunette standing by his side. That makes me insecure. For the first time in a long time I don't feel I am physically attractive, or "look" the part. Then I start thinking, do I have the "look" to attract the guy I am looking for... and if this guy has some of the pieces I have been missing, it is not for me to decide if he thinks I am attractive? For the first time I am faced with the challenge to break what would be the social norm, on the surface. Not as easy as I thought all these years.
The disclaimer here is, I don't like that I feel this way, I want to change it. Either that or I can just date some young 24-year old that thinks I am "sooooooo amazing...(and) a good dancer." True story, I actually got that text from a 22-year old, please spare me the judgement on why he has my number... that is for another blog.
