The date went well. The basketball game, turned dinner, turned post meal drink on my porch was finally making me feel comfortable around the Vegan. With all dating situations, you reach a point where one person feels the need to define the relationship or make sure the other person understands how that person feels about the relationship. I almost held my breathe when he said he wanted to talk about "us." He admitted he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and well, neither am I. So I was open to defining what we had, friends with benefits, no benefits, dating, dating others... open to talking about it.
Vegan: So I am not ready to jump back into anything serious.
Me: I don't think I am ready for that either, but I don't want to date someone if there are limitations up front.
Silence.
Me: Do you know what you want? Or what kind of dating relationship you want to be in?
Vegan: I am just living life.
Silence (probably some dumbfounded look)
Vegan: I really enjoy sitting on your porch and listening to the crickets.
The end of that conversation apparently.
We talked about my sister, that experience, life and then he got up to leave. As he was leaving he told me that he wanted to hang out, and suggested this short story reading I mentioned. Without hesitation, I just said "I don't think that is a good idea." I shocked myself. I shocked him. He thanked me for hanging out and later sent a text apologizing for not explaining himself and that if I wanted to hang out again I knew where to find him. He even listed all these things we have done that he would do with me... But I liked this guy. And I have amazing friends to do "stuff" with. I just responded "Not sure I would have got to a point where I would understand." Mainly because he doesn't know, understand... and I have been with guys like this. It hurts. I wasn't going down that road again.
Then I woke up at 4am, out of a dead sleep and couldn't fall back asleep. I panicked. Why did I say that? Why can't I just hang out? Maybe he just needs time? The longer I thought about it the worse it got... maybe I won't meet anyone, ever. Is this it? What if no one ever looks at me in the eyes in the way that makes you know everything will be ok? I cried. There it was, me admitting for the first time in a long time that dating is hard, and even if you relax and open up, it may not work. I wanted to text him that I had made a mistake... but I texted a new found friend about my instant need for whiskey instead.
I woke up, put on a skirt, did my hair and went to work. It was a hard day on the inside but I looked good on the outside. I may have been rejected, but I also stood up for myself and did what was best for me. You need a good meltdown once and awhile anyways.
