Playoffs? Playoffs!

Friend:  Guess who got tickets to the Bronco game?  Want to go?
Me:  Really?  I am too emotional, not sure I can handle it if they lose.
Friend:  Yeah, I know.  And it is supposed to be cold.  I can't handle another game like last week.
Me:  Maybe we should just watch it at home?
Friend:  But what if they win and we don't go?
Me:  You are right.  Let's go.

That's right.  I almost didn't go to the playoff game against the Steelers.  I had flashbacks of the three losses I did see at Mile Hi this year and how two of them ended with me getting in a fight with someone.  Stay classy Raider Fan in the bathroom.  This was a dark moment in my love for the Broncos, almost not going to the first playoff game in 7 years.  My friend ended up getting me two tickets so I took the boyfriend and she took her's...

Friday Night:  I see John Elway at the Pepsi Center for the Michael Jackson Cirque de Solei performance.  I was at the show with the couple that I always go to Bronco's Opening Day with and their family has had season tickets ever since I have known her.  If it wasn't for this friend not sure if I would have really gone to many games in the last 10 years.  I thought... do you believe in signs?  And I was convinced this was a sign, I have never seen Elway randomly in Denver.  Also reminded me, I am home.

Sunday:  I slowly get out of bed.  I love lazy Sunday mornings.  More so since I have moved into my new place.  The place is full of windows, I love watching the seasons change through these windows.  It had snowed the day before and I woke up with the sun shining through... it was going to be a great sunny day with snow on the ground.  Playoffs!  I started to get excited.  My friends came to pick us up and it was time for 3 hours of tailgating.  Her dad does a tailgate right.  Ran into some friends I hadn't seen in awhile, shot gunned beers, Jager shots, corn hole, jammy packs... and me slowly preparing for a loss, I couldn't get emotional this time... I was there to enjoy the last tailgate and game of the season at home.

The game was more exciting then the week before.  That is all we asked.  We cuddled up in our Bronco snuggies as the sun went down and enjoyed a small lead against the Pittsburgh Steelers.  We were high fiving, dancing, praying that maybe the Broncos would stop running on first down... but the game was exactly what I wanted it to be, fun.

And then we went to overtime.  We won the toss... and somehow we won on the first play of overtime.  I first thought, whoa, he is passing on first down, he caught it... at this point score a touchdown we won't win on a field goal... and then pure joy.  I stood there screaming, jumping up and down, hugging, high fiving... really I didn't want to leave.  We cheered until the last player went into the tunnel.  And then went out for pizza.

The Broncos play again tomorrow.  We are not supposed to win, but I can't help thinking... what if?

Own It

Relationships.  All relationships involve compromise.  Whether it is a coworker, roommate, friend, or lover one finds themselves in situations where they need to compromise.  If you are in the wrong relationship you may in fact compromise on something that at the time doesn't feel like a big deal, but in reality was a piece of who you were.  In the past I have struggled with "when am I compromising" versus "when am I compromising myself."  At the end of my last relationship, I didn't recognize myself in the mirror.  I had changed so much about myself to save the relationship that I didn't know who I was anymore.  I have had some friends that in order to maintain the friendship I had to constantly put their needs in front of my own.. needless to say when I started to define myself again, those relationships did not last.

I did not want to make this mistake again.  I never want to be lost in my head.  So I did what any engineer would do, I made a list.  I wrote down everything I loved about myself and promised never to compromise with anything on that list.  So far, so good.  I was alone and I embraced it.  I love what I see in the mirror everyday.  I work everyday to be a better person.  I still make mistakes.  But everything I do, everything I say, I own it.  I own it because it makes me, me. 

My friend sent me this link to the video below.  I love it.  It reminds me of all those nights I sat alone in Dallas, reading, writing, running, dancing in the mirror, redefining myself and owning where I was.  "Lonely is healing if you make it."  I still need my alone time to reflect and sometimes heal.  Alone time allows me to verify I am owning who I am, that I like who I am and on those days where I don't want to explain my position to someone that will never understand because they have a hard time owning who they are... I can just smile and be alone.  Take a deep breathe, look around and be thankful that I know who I am again. 

New Years

NYE 2008

It is my favorite holiday.  I can't handle the people that tell me it never lives up to expectations.  Like most things, it is what you make it.  I am not sure at what point in my life I decided I always wanted to be doing something on New Years Eve, but I have been documenting a few of the trips.  It might have started NYE 2003 when I went to New Orleans.  After that it was a roller coaster with a couple trips to Austin, Fort Worth, Chicago, Dallas and then back to Denver to wind up in San Fransico for NYE 2011. 

NYE 2009

I spent this year with a friend I have known since the 8th grade and a friend I just reconnected with, could not have been happier.  Ok, the boyfriend could have come with me but I planned this trip before I knew he was a keeper.  We checked out the bay area, ate some AMAZING food, danced, Tebowed in front of Raider and Charger fans... we brought in 2012.

NYE 2010

I've spent the last few weeks looking back at where I have been around this time every year.  Reminds me of a quote, "Don't look back unless that is where you are going."  Agreed.  I do however look back to make sure that I learned everything I was supposed to, to make sure I am still growing and not stuck.  This year my resolution is just to try to be a better person, all around.  Make something with my hands, continue to write, volunteer and tell the people in my life that matter, that they matter. 

NYE 2011

What Road to Go Down

The holidays... filled with tons of conversations with good friends, old friends, people you don't know who you may never see again... yep, I got burnt out on being social.  This last year I have learned that I enjoy hanging around people that are not like me, I feel they have alot to teach me about life and perspective.  Sometimes though, in a crowded room of people I don't know, I wish there was just one person kinda like me.  Over the holidays I was engaged in a conversation that related to travel... I plan on San Fran, Vietnam and London so far for 2012... and someone stated that they probably won't travel to Central or South America due to safety concerns.  Well, so far Costa Rica is one of my favorite places and I can't wait to get to Brazil or Peru someday... so I just nodded. 

I thought about the period in my life where I made decisions because I was afraid.  Maybe I didn't do something because I was unclear what would be at the end, or I was so emotional that I could not handle anything but a positive outcome.  The minute I realized I was making fear-based decisions I changed, I forced myself to change as a person and I changed everything around me.  I could not imagine putting limitations on the unknown.  Now, am I going to Egypt any time soon?  Not right now, I will wait for that mess to die down... but I want to go. 

I want to go everywhere.  I want to talk to every person no matter what they look like.  I want to live each day and not worry about what could happen.  Sometimes all it takes is to just smile and not judge.  I think that is what I will take with me into 2012, I challenge some people to do the same.

(San Fran for New Years, yep.  Sixth different City for New Years... kind of excited)

Reflection

Every year at this time, I make my Christmas card list, I try to send as many as I can and I think about the people who were added to the list and taken off.  When I was younger I hated looking back on the last year and thinking about the people that were not a part of my life anymore.  I look at things differently now. 

All people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime.  Some ebb and flow at the times when you need it most.  And some teach you life lessons, sometimes the hard way.  I added some amazing people into my life this year and let a few go.  I also learned what it was like to be phased out of someone's life.  Some people create drama by trying to avoid it.  There are times when I stop, look around and smile.  There are people by my side that I would have never thought and some of the friends I thought would be there forever, are not even in my recently placed/received phone calls...  I appreciate all of it.  I love all of it.

I will look back this last week of 2011, I can't help it.  Chances are if you are reading this, I am thinking of you.  You have impacted my life is some way or another this last year.  I am a better person for it.  Thanks.  2011 is a year I will always remember... it was a year it all came together and I found happiness.

Being Sick

Oh this last week was not kind to me.  I was super sick, had some ridiculous deadline and I had only bought one Christmas present.  And then it snowed... alot.  I am happy for the White Christmas, but I did get a little stressed out, which I think just made me more sick.  I am a wuss when it comes to being sick... I shut down and think the world is going to end.  I hit the deadline, returned home from a meeting on Wednesday night, positioned myself on the couch just in time to watch the snow fall.  Then it happened.  My boyfriend (yep, I said it) showed up with soup, bread, coffee, milk, Kleenex, flowers, magazines and peanut M&Ms.  I love him. 

He took care of me.  I forgot what that was like.  I loved it.

We are all strong when we have to be, but it is nice to let someone else be strong for you when you just can't.  He joined me on the couch and we both watched the snow fall.  I managed to get the rest of my shopping done... even show up to a "class reunion" where I saw people I had not seen in years!  I went to a small high school and it is not always an easy crowd.  He fit right in.  Of course he did.  And Christmas is tomorrow.  I plan on going to midnight mass with the boyfriend and dinner at his parent's house tomorrow.  I tried to go slow, tread lightly... but I don't want to anymore.  I am all in.

Believe

The last 5 Sundays I have enjoyed watching the Broncos, in various places, with high school friends, college friends, new friends and even with a boyfriend... I am not going to touch on Tebow being the quarterback, I do however get this feeling towards the end of every game; we are going to win.  I just know it.  No matter the score.  Situation.  I got a little nervous yesterday, started questioning whether our winning streak was over... and we won.  I believe. 

I believe in the Broncos.  I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  And the people in my life, are the exact people that are supposed to be there.  I am not looking back at the people I lost along the way, reason or season?  Not sure I care anymore.  I learned from all of it and now I am excited about what lies in front of me.  I have not had this attitude in life for a long time.  There is still drama.  There still are people that I know that try to bring me down to where ever they are... but I know better and rise above it, or when I don't, I have people around me to put it back into perspective.

Last night I was on my way to a Christmas Short Story reading in Downtown Denver.  Everything was lit for Christmas, cold, crisp air; and an annoying Bears fan stumbling around drunk, "Didn't you hear that field goal didn't count, the Broncos lost."  I just smiled.  No, no... they won, I have this great guy next to me and I am going to listen to Christmas stories while drinking hot chocolate.  My reality is amazing.