Jumping In

I have really enjoyed writing these last couple of years.  It has allowed me to get away from the world of engineering and explore what is on my mind.  I get feedback, sometimes good, sometimes not.  One thing I have heard in various forms lately, is turning real people into characters and making that story public, ie the vegan.  I am not doing it with a malicious intent, but I am using real events, real people in my attempt to tell a story.  Is that not a memoir?  The comment was if you cared about these people you would not show them in a negative light.  With this comment in mind, I have been exploring what it would be like to not document real events but rather write fiction.  

In the 8 week writing class I signed up for, we have to write something every week, as well as submit a short story.  I have recognized I write with raw emotion, little detail and I can't help but write about real events that I am passionate about.  Last night I finally read a piece in front of the class.  The exercise was to use an idiom in a flash fiction piece.  This is what they got.

I didn't get much feedback, which is ok, I guess.  I was told to expand on the relationship between the characters, what happened to them, why did he move out and also talk about the new job, city and adventure more.  Again, I lack details.  Maybe most people in my new City, new life lack the details and that is what I like.  I mean the character likes.  Maybe she is afraid to get close to anyone and that comes through in the way the story is written.  Or maybe, no one outside of my circle gets it and they need the details.

My next attempt is to write a completely fictional piece, oh well kind of... the character will of course be loosely based on the vegan, an old coworker and my favorite setting that I am most passionate about, Dallas.  Feels good to just try something new, something you are not good at and just jump in.

A Continuation

It sometimes takes a long weekend away from the phone, watch, facebook and in a place where you see stars, arches, float down a river with 18 other strangers to remind you how much you have changed.  For a long time I thought I was "starting over,"  I just needed to "move on."  When in reality I wasn't starting over, and I didn't need to move on... I believe now that life is a continuation. Life flows and you grow. Every event in my life, good or bad, every person that is in my life or that has been in my life, good or bad, has led me to a point in my life where I just smile.

I have changed.  I am no longer stressed out, I am not perfect, but I am happy.  I will continue to say the wrong things, but only hope that my intent will shine through.  I love the woman I am.  I love that I can randomly get invited to a three day rafting trip where I know one person, show up and walk away with great memories and hopefully a few new friends.  I cliff jumped this weekend as well.  That has always been a fear of mine, but why not?

I admit, I walked around resentful and bitter for a moment in my life.  I wasn't strong enough to deal with it differently at that time.  I have learned to change the way I think about a few things and love that everything is in my life for a reason.  I believe that reason will lead me to the next amazing moment in my life.  This weekend reminded me of all the simple things I love in life, friends, laughter, stars and nature.  I experienced the western slope of Colorado, the desert region, just east of Utah.  I loved it.  I had almost forgot that Colorado had such an ecosystem.

So while I continue to discover the person I want to be, learn from my mistakes and appreciate those that are on this journey next to me... I get to discover Colorado all over again.

Arches in Colorado

Sunset along the Colorado River

A little piece of heaven

Desert

Dried up stream bed along the Colorado River

 

The 4 AM Meltdown

The date went well.  The basketball game, turned dinner, turned post meal drink on my porch was finally making me feel comfortable around the Vegan.  With all dating situations, you reach a point where one person feels the need to define the relationship or make sure the other person understands how that person feels about the relationship.  I almost held my breathe when he said he wanted to talk about "us."  He admitted he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and well, neither am I.  So I was open to defining what we had, friends with benefits, no benefits, dating, dating others... open to talking about it. 

Vegan:  So I am not ready to jump back into anything serious.
Me:  I don't think I am ready for that either, but I don't want to date someone if there are limitations up front.
Silence.
Me:  Do you know what you want?  Or what kind of dating relationship you want to be in?
Vegan:  I am just living life.
Silence (probably some dumbfounded look)
Vegan:  I really enjoy sitting on your porch and listening to the crickets.

The end of that conversation apparently. 

We talked about my sister, that experience, life and then he got up to leave.  As he was leaving he told me that he wanted to hang out, and suggested this short story reading I mentioned.  Without hesitation, I just said "I don't think that is a good idea."  I shocked myself.  I shocked him.  He thanked me for hanging out and later sent a text apologizing for not explaining himself and that if I wanted to hang out again I knew where to find him.  He even listed all these things we have done that he would do with me... But I liked this guy.  And I have amazing friends to do "stuff" with.  I just responded "Not sure I would have got to a point where I would understand."  Mainly because he doesn't know, understand... and I have been with guys like this.  It hurts.  I wasn't going down that road again.

Then I woke up at 4am, out of a dead sleep and couldn't fall back asleep.  I panicked. Why did I say that?  Why can't I just hang out?  Maybe he just needs time?  The longer I thought about it the worse it got... maybe I won't meet anyone, ever.  Is this it?  What if no one ever looks at me in the eyes in the way that makes you know everything will be ok?  I cried.  There it was, me admitting for the first time in a long time that dating is hard, and even if you relax and open up, it may not work.  I wanted to text him that I had made a mistake... but I texted a new found friend about my instant need for whiskey instead. 

I woke up, put on a skirt, did my hair and went to work.  It was a hard day on the inside but I looked good on the outside.  I may have been rejected, but I also stood up for myself and did what was best for me.  You need a good meltdown once and awhile anyways.

Not Just Yet...

Things are still crazy.  I realize there are times where I love and hate my social life at the same time.  Those periods in life where you are so busy that you realized you haven't stopped to watch the sunset in weeks... I am currently swallowed up in one of those periods.  Don't get me wrong I have loved every moment, from the out-of-state visitors, to the hikes, dinner parties, races... in these busy periods I sometimes lose patience.  My lack of patience had me thinking of the next top ten list: Ten Things that Show Your Age. 

I am not ready for that list, not just yet.  How do I know?  Today at lunch I was picking out a shirt for my date tonight with the Vegan, when I was approached by a guy who "just had to stop and say hi because of the positive energy I was giving off."  It was cute.  However, I question any guy that would hit on me during the work hours of a Monday, I will look better today after my run.  He also had the same name as my ex, not his fault, but I could not handle that.  I did give him my number, I just could not say no he was trying so hard.  There I am, giving a guy my number in a mall, PacSun of all stores.  Yes, yes I am in PacSun looking for a shirt to wear on a date... go ahead, judge.  What am I? Sixteen?  Apparently.  Not ready to admit I show my age, not yet anyways.  I hope never.

Finding My Stride

Move number 5 in the last 18 months was completed this past weekend.  I am living by myself, closer to the parks, running trails... the things that I so desperately wanted to have when I moved back.  I have them.  "Wherever you go, there you are."  I can only hope this move confirms that I have not been running away from myself but I have just been trying to figure out where I belong. 

This weekend also confirmed I belong in Colorado, preferably in the mountains with running shoes on.  I completed a half marathon that goes between Georgetown and Idaho Springs.  I loved it.  The Canadian ran with me.  I slowly caught up with her around mile 7.5 and quickly realized she was too injured to finish.  I walked with her to the next aide station and continued on.  I have been here before, leaving my running partner behind with injury... it is hard thing to do.  I hope no one ever has to leave me.  Somewhere in that 13.1 miles I found my stride again, fell back in love with running and realized everything I have done in the last 30 years had led me to that exact moment in my life.  I just smiled.

I have finally signed up for a short story writing class.  I am so nervous.  I have to submit a story and allow my story to be openly discussed by a room full of peers for a 20 minute period.  Here we go.  Writing is not engineering or running, it is foreign to me and I have plenty of room to improve.  The deep end looks good apparently.  Lately I have been exposing parts of me that are sensitive, making me vulnerable and subject to rejection.  I need a really good topic.  I need to just smile, then breathe.  This is who I am, I hope you like it.

The Social Experiment

The Social Experiment turned Scientific Experiment

Question:  Do you ever feel like you are living one large social experiment? 

Do Background Research:  I suck at dating.  If it wasn't for the last 18 months, not sure I would even say I dated.  I was just in relationships.  Those didn't end well and I really don't talk to the guys that made up a decade of my life.  The more I ask around the more I realize most people try to make dating a black and white issue.  It is anything but that, and I constantly find myself fumbling text messages, phone calls, dates... and probably thinking too much and in the end feeling like I messed it up.  It is a trend.

Construct a Hypothesis:  What happens if you just let go of all the rules and do what you feel like?

Test With an Experiment:  I have recently friended every guy I have "dated" since my return to Colorado and unblocked the ex (not friends, just unblock).  They have all accepted:  Steelers Fan, The Ref, The Vegan, The 26-year old Construction Worker... all present and accounted for.

Hypothesis True or False:  True.  I like it.  I am not sure what rules I should date by, so I really just want to let them go and figure things out my way... even if that means I get hurt.

Results:  It is weird, final results still pending.  Each one of these guys have influenced my life in someway... so let's be friends on Facebook.  I have communicated with each one on Facebook minus The Ref who took awhile to accept the request.  It doesn't make sense to let them in my weird Facebook world, but all these guys made up one of the best years of my life... and I like to know I am not still ending things on bad terms.

It is just one really complicated social experiment anyways.

A or F

A guy I knew from high school asked me to join his softball team. He had randomly posted on Facebook last year that he needed a girl sub, I told him if I lived in Colorado I would play... sure enough he held me to it. I love to play softball. I organized the coed team at my last job in Texas and eventually gave the coed team to the ex. I enjoy it, I am pretty good at it.

We have not won a game. My team is competitive, we never get blown out and I have met some people I know I would not have normally. But we lose... typically by one point. It gets frustrating, give me an A or give me a F. Being average can take it's toll sometimes. Tonight we were playing our second to last game of the season and I found myself in a comfortable spot behind home plate playing catcher. I have played here all season long. I like it... but I am too good defensively to hide out behind home plate. I realized that tonight as we lost by one and I watched several girls make error after error on simple plays, I realized I didn't try all season. Whoa.

Why? Why would I not put myself in the best place to give my team the best chance to win? Was I afraid of being on a new team and the thought that it would be me making those errors? I realized I was just as responsible for every single loss this year as anyone else. I sold myself short. It was a harsh realization. I would give myself a F.