Reflection

Every year at this time, I make my Christmas card list, I try to send as many as I can and I think about the people who were added to the list and taken off.  When I was younger I hated looking back on the last year and thinking about the people that were not a part of my life anymore.  I look at things differently now. 

All people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime.  Some ebb and flow at the times when you need it most.  And some teach you life lessons, sometimes the hard way.  I added some amazing people into my life this year and let a few go.  I also learned what it was like to be phased out of someone's life.  Some people create drama by trying to avoid it.  There are times when I stop, look around and smile.  There are people by my side that I would have never thought and some of the friends I thought would be there forever, are not even in my recently placed/received phone calls...  I appreciate all of it.  I love all of it.

I will look back this last week of 2011, I can't help it.  Chances are if you are reading this, I am thinking of you.  You have impacted my life is some way or another this last year.  I am a better person for it.  Thanks.  2011 is a year I will always remember... it was a year it all came together and I found happiness.

Being Sick

Oh this last week was not kind to me.  I was super sick, had some ridiculous deadline and I had only bought one Christmas present.  And then it snowed... alot.  I am happy for the White Christmas, but I did get a little stressed out, which I think just made me more sick.  I am a wuss when it comes to being sick... I shut down and think the world is going to end.  I hit the deadline, returned home from a meeting on Wednesday night, positioned myself on the couch just in time to watch the snow fall.  Then it happened.  My boyfriend (yep, I said it) showed up with soup, bread, coffee, milk, Kleenex, flowers, magazines and peanut M&Ms.  I love him. 

He took care of me.  I forgot what that was like.  I loved it.

We are all strong when we have to be, but it is nice to let someone else be strong for you when you just can't.  He joined me on the couch and we both watched the snow fall.  I managed to get the rest of my shopping done... even show up to a "class reunion" where I saw people I had not seen in years!  I went to a small high school and it is not always an easy crowd.  He fit right in.  Of course he did.  And Christmas is tomorrow.  I plan on going to midnight mass with the boyfriend and dinner at his parent's house tomorrow.  I tried to go slow, tread lightly... but I don't want to anymore.  I am all in.

Believe

The last 5 Sundays I have enjoyed watching the Broncos, in various places, with high school friends, college friends, new friends and even with a boyfriend... I am not going to touch on Tebow being the quarterback, I do however get this feeling towards the end of every game; we are going to win.  I just know it.  No matter the score.  Situation.  I got a little nervous yesterday, started questioning whether our winning streak was over... and we won.  I believe. 

I believe in the Broncos.  I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  And the people in my life, are the exact people that are supposed to be there.  I am not looking back at the people I lost along the way, reason or season?  Not sure I care anymore.  I learned from all of it and now I am excited about what lies in front of me.  I have not had this attitude in life for a long time.  There is still drama.  There still are people that I know that try to bring me down to where ever they are... but I know better and rise above it, or when I don't, I have people around me to put it back into perspective.

Last night I was on my way to a Christmas Short Story reading in Downtown Denver.  Everything was lit for Christmas, cold, crisp air; and an annoying Bears fan stumbling around drunk, "Didn't you hear that field goal didn't count, the Broncos lost."  I just smiled.  No, no... they won, I have this great guy next to me and I am going to listen to Christmas stories while drinking hot chocolate.  My reality is amazing.

Oh Christmas

I freaking love this time of year.  What is funny about this season, it is usually really kind to me or a disaster... not much goes on in between.  I like the continuation of your life that it symbolizes... like the running partner told me, not a new beginning but a continuation with all that we have learned from the previous year.  Or something like that.  This Christmas I will be around family, new friends and far away from the drama that was in my life for so long, with someone new standing next to me.  I am starting to think it was all worth it.  It was all worth it. 

I am looking forward to a dinner party, concert, snowboarding, Christmas party with an OLD friend (but someone I missed desperately while in Texas), putting up a real tree with the new boyfriend, Broncos and a Christmas Short Story Reading... All happening this weekend.  I wouldn't change a thing.  I had to go to that place, to get to this place... now I just smile.  All the time... I love Christmas.

Oh... Christmas in Broncos Country... the new guy is also a Broncos Fan... FINALLY.

I And Love And You

Well... so I am out of the dating game officially and back into relationship world.  I still am not sure what to think about it.  I know that I have butterflies in my stomach and when the Hockey Player leaned in and said "I love you," my heart stopped.  I closed my eyes and I wanted to stay in that moment forever, to have that feeling just stretch. 

When you decide it is ok to open up to someone, I believe you have to give them all of you, the good and the bad and let them decide if it is what they want.  The weekend couldn't have been better, I made him homemade soup from my friends amazing blog.  Then we went to the Parade of Lights, pub crawled it on the walk back home where we sat in my local bar and watched the snow fall for hours, ran home in the snow, football, dinner, Social Distortion... things are easy.  I even made him an ugly sweater for this party we are going to in the mountains in couple weeks.  Perfect.  Oh and he made me hot chocolate.  I opened up a little more, he listened, and he stayed.

I guess, here I go again.  I wonder where I will end up this time.

Writing Class

I have two weeks left.  I think after that I am going to have to take a break.  I love everything about the class, the instructor, the people, the conversation, but I am finding myself fitting it into my schedule, opposed to having time to do it.  Last night I submitted my story, I tackled a subject that many may not see me writing about, domestic violence.  The other two submissions were light and funny, one about a dad explaining to his four year old the birds and the bees and the other about a family Thanksgiving.  Great.  Mine was going to stand out this time. 

My class is the biggest group of misfits I have ever seen.  You have an engineer, a Harvard grad, an independent woman from Texas, a writing student, an older guy that reminds me of my dad, another who was in Vietnam and worked at an aquarium, one annoying chick that knows everything and then Patrick.  I have to use his name because it is so fitting.  He works at a liquor store, is very quiet and you can tell he has read everything under the sun.  I have seen him open up twice during the two writing courses, once was due to alcohol and then last night during my story. 

Once the group starts discussing the story, what they thought it was about, what they liked, didn't like, I can't say a word.  I have to sit there and listen.  Patrick was my voice.  He got everything about my story, defended it exactly like I would have, which I appreciated because I went out on  limb to write it.  It amazes me how many people do not want to talk about domestic violence, rape, depression or suicide.  These things happen all the time and I am sure we all know someone that has experienced at least one of these things, or maybe not because we close our eyes to it or shrug it off when someone tries to talk about it... making the problem worse. 

Amazing what can connect two people.  I will miss Patrick.

Second Chance

Wow.  Let me say, I have not been this busy at work since I left Texas.  Working weekends, coming in at 5am, trying to just keep it all straight... all the while going to see the Lion King Musical, Avs games, working out, races, dinner parties and just dating.  I could feel it.  That feeling when I thought I might lose it.  I needed to plan every detail to remind myself that there is in fact enough time in the day to do it all... The Hockey Player called to ask what I wanted to do Friday night, I asked him to just plan it... and he goes, "I don't care what we do, I just want to see you."  And I got quiet.  He ended up planning it. 

It was my second chance.  My second chance to prove I could leave work at work and just enjoy my friends and the guy I was dating.  I stumbled a little, but I did it.  I am also dating a guy that is a "Words of Affirmation" guy.  If you have ever read the "Five Languages of Love" you know what I am talking about.  He feels most loved when I tell him.  I have always struggled with this, can't I just show you?  I have always been a "Quality Time" person.  We are all different; I respect that.  I also failed at this in my last relationship... so here it is, my second chance to show how much I have learned, grown and changed.  To not make the same mistakes twice.  To tell him how much I like him, even if it is every day.

Last night we met some of my friends out for Sunday Night Football... he turns to one of them when he thought I wasn't listening and goes, "I am crazy about her."  My guard went down a little more...