I And Love And You

Well... so I am out of the dating game officially and back into relationship world.  I still am not sure what to think about it.  I know that I have butterflies in my stomach and when the Hockey Player leaned in and said "I love you," my heart stopped.  I closed my eyes and I wanted to stay in that moment forever, to have that feeling just stretch. 

When you decide it is ok to open up to someone, I believe you have to give them all of you, the good and the bad and let them decide if it is what they want.  The weekend couldn't have been better, I made him homemade soup from my friends amazing blog.  Then we went to the Parade of Lights, pub crawled it on the walk back home where we sat in my local bar and watched the snow fall for hours, ran home in the snow, football, dinner, Social Distortion... things are easy.  I even made him an ugly sweater for this party we are going to in the mountains in couple weeks.  Perfect.  Oh and he made me hot chocolate.  I opened up a little more, he listened, and he stayed.

I guess, here I go again.  I wonder where I will end up this time.

Writing Class

I have two weeks left.  I think after that I am going to have to take a break.  I love everything about the class, the instructor, the people, the conversation, but I am finding myself fitting it into my schedule, opposed to having time to do it.  Last night I submitted my story, I tackled a subject that many may not see me writing about, domestic violence.  The other two submissions were light and funny, one about a dad explaining to his four year old the birds and the bees and the other about a family Thanksgiving.  Great.  Mine was going to stand out this time. 

My class is the biggest group of misfits I have ever seen.  You have an engineer, a Harvard grad, an independent woman from Texas, a writing student, an older guy that reminds me of my dad, another who was in Vietnam and worked at an aquarium, one annoying chick that knows everything and then Patrick.  I have to use his name because it is so fitting.  He works at a liquor store, is very quiet and you can tell he has read everything under the sun.  I have seen him open up twice during the two writing courses, once was due to alcohol and then last night during my story. 

Once the group starts discussing the story, what they thought it was about, what they liked, didn't like, I can't say a word.  I have to sit there and listen.  Patrick was my voice.  He got everything about my story, defended it exactly like I would have, which I appreciated because I went out on  limb to write it.  It amazes me how many people do not want to talk about domestic violence, rape, depression or suicide.  These things happen all the time and I am sure we all know someone that has experienced at least one of these things, or maybe not because we close our eyes to it or shrug it off when someone tries to talk about it... making the problem worse. 

Amazing what can connect two people.  I will miss Patrick.

Second Chance

Wow.  Let me say, I have not been this busy at work since I left Texas.  Working weekends, coming in at 5am, trying to just keep it all straight... all the while going to see the Lion King Musical, Avs games, working out, races, dinner parties and just dating.  I could feel it.  That feeling when I thought I might lose it.  I needed to plan every detail to remind myself that there is in fact enough time in the day to do it all... The Hockey Player called to ask what I wanted to do Friday night, I asked him to just plan it... and he goes, "I don't care what we do, I just want to see you."  And I got quiet.  He ended up planning it. 

It was my second chance.  My second chance to prove I could leave work at work and just enjoy my friends and the guy I was dating.  I stumbled a little, but I did it.  I am also dating a guy that is a "Words of Affirmation" guy.  If you have ever read the "Five Languages of Love" you know what I am talking about.  He feels most loved when I tell him.  I have always struggled with this, can't I just show you?  I have always been a "Quality Time" person.  We are all different; I respect that.  I also failed at this in my last relationship... so here it is, my second chance to show how much I have learned, grown and changed.  To not make the same mistakes twice.  To tell him how much I like him, even if it is every day.

Last night we met some of my friends out for Sunday Night Football... he turns to one of them when he thought I wasn't listening and goes, "I am crazy about her."  My guard went down a little more...

Still Running

I don't talk about it like I used to... but I am still running.  Not well, not alot, not routinely, not any of the things that I should be doing... nonetheless, I love it.  I love that it gives me an excuse to see some old friends.  I am heading down to San Antonio for what will be no doubt, the worst Half Marathon I have ever run.  This made me think.  The half marathon looming over my head led me back to a race I ran in March 2007, on Saint Patrick's Day.

It was just a 5k, it was just the prelude to a day full of drinking.  I took a picture that day, that I am sure if I looked hard enough I could find it... running that race with me was my running partner, his wife, one of my old coworkers and the ex.  All standing there, 4 years younger, in green, not knowing how we would all impact eachother's lives in the years to come.

If I took a similar picture at the finish line this Sunday there will be the old coworker, the running partner and me, three of the four.  I love that.  I love that I still have running and that I have rooted myself in some Texas friendships that I hope to always have.  You never know when you do something if the people standing around you will always be there... but you hope.  Two out of three isn't bad.

The running partner sent me our race agenda... just get me there, just get me to the start line.  This is the first race where I am not concerned about the finish line, I love that part of my personality that is changing (ever so slowly, but still changing).

Just Waiting

Two years.  Almost two years.  Think about that for a minute.  How much do you think your life can change in two years?  One year?  One day?  One minute?  I have learned that you can't stop what is coming, so try to enjoy it, all of it, everything.  What I love about this guy I am dating (and yes I want to give him an alias, so we are going with the Hockey Player) is that I am in a great place, to take everything I have learned about myself and what I want and try to bring that into this relationship. 

I am not in a place where I need help, need someone... he is not getting out of some ridiculously long relationship, he is not 24... we know enough about eachother going in that we have a level of trust established 12 years ago.  I like him.  I am starting to get excited.

The rate at which I am able to get excited about someone amazes me.  I assume the worst and hope for the best.  It takes him showing up on time for a few dates before I believe he won't stand me up.  It takes him talking about his previous relationships a few times before I believe that they won't impact me negatively.  It takes going out for a few drinks (sometimes alot of drinks) a few times to know that he won't get mad at me for talking to other people instead of him.  It takes laying on the couch, in his arms, watching football together to know that he will make me feel safe.  How many more rounds can I put the Hockey Player through... while I wait for something to go wrong?  Hopefully alot, for a long time.

Getting excited...

Treat Yo Self

There are those moments in life that are created because everything from everywhere just kind of came together.  My weekend in Moab was one of those moments.  It started when my old coworker sent me a youtube clip from Parks and Rec, outlining what "Treat Yo Self Day" is.  This was the theme as me and two other girlfriends set out for a roadtrip to Moab.  We were delayed, but so glad we were because one of my favorite hikes' trailhead was closed up until the point when we got there.  I did this hike as a kid, it is located outside one of my favorite cities (Glenwood Springs, CO) and is still breathtaking.

Hanging Lake

Hiking Buddies

After we treated ourselves to one of the best hikes in Colorado we headed to Moab.  The next day we spent the morning rock climbing sandstone, which was amazing.  Something I am slowly starting to fall in love with, I can't explain it, it is a rush.

Ice Parlor, UT

On top of work, dating, concerts, Moab, I am training for my third half marathon of the year, so I had to run 8 miles.  In the desert.  After rock climbing.  While my friends went to the bar.  This ended up being the biggest accomplishment of the day.  I did it none-the-less.  As I was waiting for their return with a pumpkin beer and a good book in hand, they return.  With a "Congratulations" balloon... that I would take to the bar with me that night. 

Later that night as I am in some amazing Utah bar, the day caught up with me and I just wanted to sleep.  But here were a few great quotes from that weekend, where it all came together and we treated ourselves:

• Friend: Do you have a quarter we need to buy jewelry?  Guy:  Fuck yeah you need some jewelry.
• Treat yo self.
• People at bar: Why do you have the balloon?  Me:  I ran 8 miles while my friends went to the bar.
• Girl I just met:  Should we save Morgan?  Friend Since College:  No.  She is fine.  I am sure she might make out, but I think that guy reminds her of her ex.
• Me:  I should stop spending money, so I can save up for my wedding. 

The 99 Percent

I had to do it.  I was on my way home when I passed the Occupy Denver movement.  So I did what anyone in my situation would do, I parked my car and witnessed it for myself.  I came up with my own opinion, created my own memories and agreed that I was part of the 99 percent.  However, I do feel like I am on my own 1 percent when it comes to the way I approach situations.  Is it glass half empty?  A way I protect myself?  Or am I 1 percent heart and 99 percent head?

At this exact moment, myself and two of my closest friends have all met guys that we like.  We are already planning triple dates, outings, concerts.  We are all starting out on this journey at the exact same moment in time, with some pretty fantastic guys.  This has brought to my attention just how reserved and pessimistic I am about new relationships.  I like this one.  I am nervous.  I am trying hard not to hold back or bring old issues into this relationship.  I feel like I am slowly sinking... am I looking for things to complain about?  Probably.  If he isn't perfect I won't be as upset when he leaves me.  Do I believe him when he tells me how great he thinks I am?  No.  You haven't known me long enough to know how great I am.  It makes sense in my head. 

Then I look at my friends.  I look how excited they are about the smallest things, and my heart gets a little smaller.  I want to feel that.  He does those things for me.  I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.  Ever.  What kind of self reflection do I need to do to get over this?  Why can't this guy think I am amazing?  When he asks if I am ok, maybe he really cares and will always ask?  Maybe when I open up, he will stay.  So, I keep trying. 

My ex told me after he left that he never felt like I loved him.

I loved him with all I had.

Maybe I am not capable of making others feel loved.