What Does She Bring to the Table?

One of the craziest moments... walking down the streets of Newport, RI in the rain and getting caught up in a bachelorette party gone wrong. A few of the girls in the back were yelling at the group of girls about 20 yards ahead of them, basically describing a member of the party that did not "bring anything to the table." I just chalked it up to age and immaturity and walked as fast as I could to get out of the rain.

Through any life change, you realize that some people in your life may not make it to where you are going... what they bring to the table, you don't want or need anymore. I am a firm believer in that everyone brings something to the table, something you need in your life at that moment. You just may not realize it at the time. Sometimes you recognize instantly what a certain person will bring into your life, other times it takes a few rounds of hanging out before you get it. With all the changes in my life over the last 10 years, I accept that people come into my life for a lifetime, reason or season... accept that, love that, learn from that.

That is my challenge to myself. To not hang out with people that are just like me, that would do everything the way I would do it. I am not perfect. It takes less time to get to know those that are inline with your life... but it is more fun to see the world through someone else's eyes. A year ago, I didn't bring much to the table. I worked, ran and that was about it. Thank you to those that stuck by my side when I wasn't myself, when I was going through change... who didn't judge me for doing things differently than they would do it. Time to pay that forward... and have a lot of fun in the process.

Simple

Sometimes you think it is just a museum. It is just a rooftop. It is just a restrauant. It is just a date. Then you realize it is more. It is in that moment, that thought I realized I am finding complete joy in very simple things. There was a time in my life when I walked around with my ipod on, music echoing in my head and I just tried to get from A to B as fast as I could. Now, I slow down.

What happens when you slow down? You stop to talk to the museum employees that are selling tickets to a modern art exhibit. You notice the art's space. And even though you don't understand it you find yourself staring at a video (art) and you just feel. You notice the smooth transistions between frames, but feel emotion when out of nowhere you are looking at something different than what was expected, anticipated. You find the only rooftop in Denver that is not crammed with people and you find yourself talking to a Vegan about fly fishing without a hook. This same Vegan has worn the same shirt each time you have seen him. And you find comfort in this shirt and the simplicity it represents.

I know life is not simple. It can be hard. It can be unbearable. I have learned that if I refuse, forget to slow down I will make it worse. I will forget. I will forget who I am, how good it is to feel and I won't find myself in those simple moments where I have a beer in my hand, green roof below my feet and my favorite City all around me.

B.P.C.E.

It started with a simple email from a friend in Texas, "You have to do this."  I open the link and there it is, a 16 person bike that looks like a trolley car.  The gist of this vehicle, you have a driver and 10 people pedaling the rig from bar to bar.  There is a bench in the back for others and a place in the middle for someone to stand.  I forward this on to four girlfriends and tell them we should think about it.  Next thing I know the Canadian has forwarded it on to all her guy friends, we are picking a weekend and I am sending in the deposit.  The simple start to the Best Pub Crawl Ever.

What I love is that I want to organize this stuff again.  I have work.  I have a dating life.  And I have friends.  No drama, just let's get together and have a good time.  We couldn't really put together a theme, just two words, Toob Socks.  Of course, no one is on time... we get off to a frustrating late start and as we start pedaling out of the parking lot Ace of Base comes on... all is well with the world, the mood is immediately lifted. 

We hit some dive bars and then headed into LoDo (lower downtown) right into the heart of Rockies traffic.  The music play list is in full force and with one crawler in the middle of the bike wearing a shirt "Auditor by Day, Ninja By Night" the Rockies fans become pedal ride spectators as we block everyone going 5 mph.  Everyone is taking our pictures, honking, waving... we are taking Sake Bombs, pickle shots... documenting the whole adventure with a camera. 

This was just Saturday.  Thursday I spent the evening at a Mumford and Sons concert.  Easily Top 5 of all time... Friday I had a Vegan cook me dinner for the first time and then Sunday I went to the Canadian's to watch the final three episodes of Oprah.  I hope all of you are on Facebook so you can see these pictures... somethings, some feelings I can't yet put into words.  But, life is amazing.

I Owe This One

There are times when I go out and I get completely hammered, other times I am dancing and alone in my own world, and then there are times when I am the fly on the wall.  Memorial Weekend I went out with some lady friends, and I was the fly on the wall.  I wasn't really drinking and I couldn't get into the DJ.  I was however, in one of the craziest bars/dance clubs in Denver.  This joint is underground, no ventilation and every stereotype is present and accounted for... amazing people watching. 

I watch one woman who radiates confidence dance with every guy that comes by.  I notice a party in the corner and think how great it would be to be graduating college again... and then as I am testing out my two-seconds more than comfortable look on a hot guy, I get approached by another.  He is cute, tall but instantly I peg him for 24.  I have been here... done with this mental game, I decide to just talk to him.  And all he really wants to do is talk. 

I can't hear two words this kid is saying.  But I notice his black fingernails, mohawk and bracelets... oh, I love Colorado.  He buys me a drink and finally asks, "How old are you?" 

Me:  Well I know I am older than you.
Kid:  I was thinking you are 25.  (that is cute)
Me:  No, I am 30.
Kid:  Really?  You have alot of energy and look really good for 30.

Well... I am not dead.  I find out he is 22. 

Kid: Did you know I was younger than you?
Me:  Yes.
Kid:  How did you know?
Me:  Guys my age typically don't paint their nails, have a mohawk or bracelets.

Then he tells me he is new to the area and is just trying to make friends.  Apparently the hot guy I had spotted earlier was his brother, who comes over to tell me I am invited to the after party.  I tell the 22 year old how great it is that his whole group of friends will not stop watching us.  He responds, "Well I think it is because you are a girl.  I am bisexual, I hope that doesn't bother you, but they are kind of in denial about it."  I think people peg me as easy to talk to.  He asks for my number so we can be friends, I give it to him... later on that night I get this text message (not making any of this up):

what i meant tonight is that i really think ur soooooo amazing i just want 2 be friends.... im new and i need good friends like u. ur fun. goodnight :)  ur a good dancer by the way

Awwww being single.  I love it.  I think this kid has a good heart.  I have yet to met up with him and the fact that I can read and understand his text message scares me a little.  When did people stop using punctuation and start shortening 2-3 letter words?  Good thing I have alot of energy.

Insecure or Hypocrite, Both?

One thing that I have associated with, even blamed failed relationships on, in my 20s is insecurity.  I convinced myself that most guys I dated were insecure about dating a woman that liked football, was social, successful in her career, "smart."  I told myself there is a guy out there that is secure enough to date me and trend away from the society's definition of gender roles in a relationship. 

Then I went out on a date, ok call it two, with a guy who appears to be secure with all these things.  In fact, he understands what I do for a living, can have an educated conversation on books, politics, and clearly doesn't care about society's definition of success, career, marriage, kids.  He even has a masters in environmental law.  This guy is perfect, right?  During these two dates, insecurities have surfaced I had no idea were there.  I am slightly intimidated by how smart he is, can I keep up?  Do I need to keep up?  In fact after severely over analyzing this insecurity, I am excited to take it on.  I joke around that maybe I chose to date guys not as educated or informed as me so I could be the "smart" one in the relationship.  Growing up I was not the cute one, I was the smart one... I think subconsciously I wanted to keep it that way.  That was my identity.  An identity that others put on me.  That didn't work out.

The second insecurity I struggle with.  I struggle with it because I think it is shallow, superficial, everything I thought Dallas was and I was not.  I think this guy is very attractive, but he is skinny.  Frontman to a indie band skinny.  Skateboarder skinny.  When I see him, I don't see me standing next to him, I see a shorter, petite brunette standing by his side.  That makes me insecure.  For the first time in a long time I don't feel I am physically attractive, or "look" the part.  Then I start thinking, do I have the "look" to attract the guy I am looking for... and if this guy has some of the pieces I have been missing, it is not for me to decide if he thinks I am attractive?  For the first time I am faced with the challenge to break what would be the social norm, on the surface.  Not as easy as I thought all these years. 

The disclaimer here is, I don't like that I feel this way, I want to change it.  Either that or I can just date some young 24-year old that thinks I am "sooooooo amazing...(and) a good dancer."  True story, I actually got that text from a 22-year old, please spare me the judgement on why he has my number... that is for another blog.

Old Pictures

With friends getting married, moving, traveling the world, I have been looking through old pictures.  Everyone jokes around with what to do with pictures, since the digital age, people don't do alot.  I have all mine on a flash drive.  I found the 2010-Paris folder... the girl I saw run a marathon in Paris got married last weekend and another left Dallas to begin her life in Salt Lake City.  I love these pictures.  But there is one that gets me everytime.

We ended up at some gardens one day in Paris.  In the center of this garden was a small, man-made pond.  For a fee you could rent a little boat, but it wasn't the typical remote control boat you would see in the States.  It was a sailboat with a stick.  The kids would put their boats in the water and push them around from the edge of the pond.  It was so simple.  They were happy. 

It was that exact moment that I wanted joy out of simplicity.  I wanted it back... those days I spent in the backyard with my brother making up endless games with a ball.  When you could just look outside and smile, those days when you remembered to look outside.  Those kids had that happiness that I associate with youth... and everytime I see this picture I think of that.  I went for a walk around City Park last night at the end of a date, he spent most of the walk pointing out things he notices when he is in the park alone... those moments.  I want more of those.

Hot. Corporate. Hell.

I can remember 18 months ago thinking, "just give me 6 months and I will be fine."  That thinking was the beginning of the end for me.  I needed more time... and I finally got it, and I am finally fine.  I briefly rolled into Dallas for my Ironman friend's wedding.  In typical Morgan fashion, I tried to see as many people as I could in a very brief period... old cowokers, old bosses, old clients, old friends, old running partner... I fit them all into a jammed packed two days, not to mention why I really went down there; to see one of the most amazing people I know get married to the man that makes her the happiest I have ever seen almost anyone.  It is couples like this that remind you, don't settle for anything less than what they have...

This time I was not in tears when I left Texas... I left with a smile on my face, happy to be going home.  It is behind me, all of it.  It is without a doubt a part of me, but I felt it, experienced it and learned from it.  I learned I am a Coloradoan at heart.  And although we can handle any blizzard, heat wave, freak storm... we can not handle humidity.  I am also not cut-throat.  I like to give credit where credit is due, and I was not prepared for the corporate world.  I was good at it, but I hated what that brought out in people.  I love coming to work, doing work and going home... I have a life again. 

Somewhere in my 20s I almost forgot what was important or what I really wanted in life.  I always think about a moment in high school basketball when my coach asked us to write down what we wanted in life... I don't remember the whole sheet, but I wrote that I wanted to hear every language in the respective country.  Now, I realize that is a lofty goal... none-the-less, I wanted to travel.  I didn't write that I wanted to be associate, a wife, a mother, own a house... I tried it their way.  It was hell.  So glad to be doing it my way.  Traveling, dancing, laughing, dating... living my way with real people, real friends standing all around me.