Don't Look Back

When I left Dallas, I made a list of all the things I was going to miss.  One thing that made that list was strip clubs.  I was going to miss the strip clubs in Dallas... not because I think strip clubs are so amazing, but for other reasons.  It gave me a chance to keep those nights I didn't want to end going and by going there I was the exact opposite of people's perception of me.  I loved that.

Last week I was ready to leave the bar and go home.  At that moment a friend turned to me and simply questioned, "Strip club?"  Yes.  With that, four of us got into a cab and headed to the closest strip club.  I haven't been since Dallas and I while in the cab I thought of my favorite strip club memories:

1. Taking all new hires to the strip club, telling them it was stormwater initiation.  And walking in on one of them calling her mom from the strip club bathroom floor saying she wasn't going to make it home.
2. Talking to one stripper about the military while a friend was giving out lap dances out of the corner of my eye.
3. Friend in New Orleans:  We are at a strip club.  Boyfriend on the other end of the phone: Was that Morgan's idea?

How was I going to top these three experiences?  Easily.  I paid for our cover and out of excitement my friend's boyfriend tackled my boyfriend, who quickly fell down to pop right back up.  This was followed by an evening of lap dances, me losing my purse and the boyfriend singing in loop "Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn" the next day and not knowing why, "Did they play that song last night?"

I was ready to go back to the strip club.  To step away from the expectations that have followed me around my entire life.  To remind myself I am fun, I like to do crazy things and I do not have to say or do anything because it makes someone else feel better about a situation.  I had a great time... and I look forward to my next reminder, my reminder that just because I used to be that way, I don't have to be anymore.  Being so serious is just boring.

Simple Reminders

I had a great dinner, with the boyfriend and my favorite couple that I go to the Bronco's homeopener with every year, on Saturday night.  It was a little family owned, hole in the wall Greek restaurant... not sure if it was the black liquorice shots or the amazing company... it turned into one of those nights that could have gone forever.  And I felt like it on Sunday morning.  I had to run 10 miles.  The running partner had already hit 12 miles, I had no choice but to get over myself and run.

The weather in Denver has not been ideal for running.  Sunday was sunny and 60 degrees.  I was going to do this... it wasn't my fastest run, but it was a great run.  I zoned out.  Smiled.  Thought about all the great people in my life at this exact moment, I thought about all those people that just caused drama that are no where insight... I noticed all the happy people of Denver out doing the exact same thing and I even saw the place I would love to get married in one day.  One day. I was running, doing exactly what I wanted.  My friends still invited me to their Sunday adventures, that I had to miss... but don't worry plenty of dinner parties are on the calendar.  It feels good to just be me.

Leap Year

A large part of my heritage is Irish.  I think the Irish have one of the best traditions on Leap Year:

"According to the legend, St. Brigid of Kildare, a fifth-century Irish nun, had heard enough complaints from single women whose suitors were too shy to propose. So, she spoke to St. Patrick about the problem, and they agreed to let women propose on Leap Day, once every four years."

I thought I was being cute and innovative when I woke up this morning and asked the boyfriend if he wanted to marry me.  His response, "My mom actually asked me if you were going to propose today."  Ok, so his family is Irish as well and I surprised no one with that question.  But then, that surprised me.

So I had to ask him if he thought we were rushing into things.  He reminded me we hadn't rushed into anything yet and he believes feelings "can't be rushed."  What other great words of wisdom are out there?  "When you know, you know."  My hang up is I thought I knew in the past, and I was wrong.  "So, my ex didn't love me.  Shit happens."  I can sit here and think about how I should approach this relationship, put a time frame on it, develop all these rules... but why?  To protect myself?  Too late, I already said it out loud.

He Snores

I approached this relationship like all the others.  I tried to push him away at first.  I barely made time to hang out.  I took things incredibly slow.  Six months later... I can honestly say I have never felt this way.  We have had two arguments, one after the Broncos lost to the Patriots and one when he had a bad day.  We laugh about them now.  I asked him to go to Vietnam with me to meet an old friend from Dallas, without hesitating he said yes.  My friends love him.  He has ran with me, cooked with me, detoxed with me, taught me how to snowboard, booked trips... I adore him.  I love him.

He snores. 

Not only does he snore, he makes weird noises and talks in his sleep.  Usually when my alarm goes off I am not the happiest that he kept me up, but when I stop to think about it, I think it is kind of funny.  The other day he asked me at about 5am if I had his computer ready... always something.  :-)  I love that he is next to me, I am thankful I can hear him.

I recently lost a good friend from high school, he died in his sleep.  He left behind a 3 year old son and a wife that was 39 weeks pregnant.  It hit me.  Not friends.  I am not old enough for my friends to just die in their sleep... what is fair in this situation?  We were really close in high school, but lost touch after that... being in the great place that I am, I wanted to reconnect.  Timing never worked out, and I still have the last email he ever sent me:

I won't be able to make it tonight! Ill make it up to you though! I was really looking forward to catching up with you, like I said I would love to catch up, now that your in co. Ill take you to a bronco or rockies game if your interested! Sorry! I would really like you to meet my family and catch up with you!

I was reminded that I have all the time in the world, until I don't.

Sean took me to my first Bronco game... it was against the Raiders, the year the Broncos won their second Super Bowl... Elway went out for a pass from Rod Smith.  Sean was next to me.  That is how I will always remember him. 

I look forward to listening to the boyfriend snore all night...


They have set up a fund to raise money for Sean's children, you can donate to the Sean McKenner Children's Fund at any Wells Fargo Bank.

Happy Valentine's Day

That holiday that has turned into something we hate.  It seems that Valentine's Day is set up by corporate America to get us to buy stuff, to make us feel alone or take something as simple as love and complicate it.  I have really enjoyed my last few Valentine's Days alone... 2010 was spent in the snow in Dallas with some great girlfriends.  Last year was with a new friend and her mom eating Pho and ice cream.  This year I won't be surrounded by amazing girlfriends.  I have finally found what we think about on Valentine's Day.

This doesn't make me any less grateful for the amazing women that have come in and out of my life.  Who are there when the guy in my life has left. If I haven't personally told you lately, I love all my friends... and I would not be in such a great place today if it wasn't for each one of you.  Thank you and Happy Valentine's Day.

Growing Up

Sometimes, if I just stop, I can picture my first childhood home.  I can picture Kelly, who lived down the street.  We were inseparable.  She was my best friend and she was always going to be my best friend, until her family moved.

Just after Kelly moved, a new family moved in next door.  Steve was my new best friend.  We would ride bikes all over the neighborhood.  We would usually make it over to the steepest hill in the world where the trek up was worth it for the ride down.  We were best friends and he was always going to be my best friend.  Then I moved.

This story continued in loop for the next 24 years and it is still looping.  Sometimes friends from my past will loop back into the present, or I might see them in the future, but the story stays the same.  There is a time after every loop out of my life that I get sad.  I hate to see people that mean something to me at some point go.  I hate when I loop out of their life.  I am human and I am not always going to do things the way others woud prefer.  I guess I just hold on to the idea that it is not malicious and wait for them to loop back into my life in the future... and we can pick up right where we left off.  If not, just smile and thank them for the friendship that will always mean something good to me.

Just a Reminder

With all they events that took place over the last year, I want to write pages about those friends that I have loved and lost... but this says it all (from a true friend).