Sometimes I think that the decisions our parents make for us when we are kids plays a large roll in who we are and become. I can remember my parents signing me up for t-ball when I was 5. We were the Cubs, we wore light blue and I was one of two girls on the team. I remember I didn't want to play in the outfield because I was a girl, I wanted to play second base, where the best player on our team played. I played baseball with the boys until I was told I had to play softball. My last year playing with the boys, my last game, I finally got to start at second base. I have been trying to keep up with the boys ever since.
I love baseball. My first MLB game in Texas I went on my birthday, on a Sunday afternoon, to see the Boston Red Sox play... I was trying to pretend I was still in Colorado. In reality I was in Texas, I was hot, I didn't know one player on the Rangers team and there was not a microbrew in sight. I fell out of love with baseball for 6+ years... and then I came home and moved 1.5 miles from Coors Field.
On my way home from work and on my walk to Coors Field, I pass by this one City owned baseball field. It is in the ghetto, Five Points but on the edge of the City. There is a public library next to it, with a playground. I never see children at the park, but I see baseball games, softball games daily. The kids playing are just like me, white, probably young professionals, looking to stay active. Their audience? Homeless people, black neighbors, baseball fans. This image makes me feel. I love that. I think... do the softball players care that homeless people have lined up for a game? Are they intimidated? Are the homeless people bitter, do they think the players are spoiled? Or is everyone out there just to enjoy baseball? And for a moment, for an hour... we can all put our differences aside, ignore the fact that life is not fair and just enjoy baseball... like we did that first awkward day at t-ball before we learned that we were different, that life isn't fair and sometimes it isn't about keeping up with the boys.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Keeping It in Perspective
Two things I got from two very good friends last year: a water bottle that says "Keep Calm and Carry on", and "Oh The Places You Will Go" by Dr. Suess. These two items motivated me, kept me going when I didn't want to. I can admit my time in Texas has taught me to be more patient and remain calm... I can feel it, small things really just don't bother me anymore. I have also slowed down to notice those moments, those moments to remind me, things are good.
Last night I had one of those moments. I had spent my Saturday afternoon talking to a few of my friends and no matter how the conversation started, each time it ended with a story of someone we knew cheating on someone, getting divorced, just couples that were unhappy. I went over to the Canadians condo, nicely located next to Mile Hi, where I join her and another friend to share in a glass of wine and much needed girl time. We grab our wine, blankets and head to the rooftop, to enjoy the last few hours of daylight, each other's company and the close but distant sounds of The Fray and U2.
On the rooftop, we are joined by a physical therapist. One thing leads to another and we quickly learn he moved to Denver with his soon be ex-wife. He fit right into the topic of the day's conversation. A little more vino and we learn that the man has a serious heart condition, is on the waiting list for a heart transplant and this condition was too much for his wife and she wanted a divorce. That, and she had his U2 concert ticket. We all agreed that his story was the worst of the day, and if all that was true... he had married someone without a soul. They had been married for 18 months and he was 34 years old, not only with a bad heart, but a broken one too.
My life is good. I have great friends, I love my job and I am FINALLY happy with where I am in life. I meet people like the physical therapist and they remind me of where I have been, what I have learned and how fortunate I am to be here. My last year in Texas can be summed up by a page in my Dr Seuss book,
You can get so confused
that you'll start to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space
headed, I fear, toward the most useless place
The Waiting Place...
I was in the waiting place for far too long. I hope to never do that again, to keep it in perspective and live, no matter the situation... We only have one life, but if we do it right that is all we will need.
"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed" - Dr Seuss
Last night I had one of those moments. I had spent my Saturday afternoon talking to a few of my friends and no matter how the conversation started, each time it ended with a story of someone we knew cheating on someone, getting divorced, just couples that were unhappy. I went over to the Canadians condo, nicely located next to Mile Hi, where I join her and another friend to share in a glass of wine and much needed girl time. We grab our wine, blankets and head to the rooftop, to enjoy the last few hours of daylight, each other's company and the close but distant sounds of The Fray and U2.
On the rooftop, we are joined by a physical therapist. One thing leads to another and we quickly learn he moved to Denver with his soon be ex-wife. He fit right into the topic of the day's conversation. A little more vino and we learn that the man has a serious heart condition, is on the waiting list for a heart transplant and this condition was too much for his wife and she wanted a divorce. That, and she had his U2 concert ticket. We all agreed that his story was the worst of the day, and if all that was true... he had married someone without a soul. They had been married for 18 months and he was 34 years old, not only with a bad heart, but a broken one too.
My life is good. I have great friends, I love my job and I am FINALLY happy with where I am in life. I meet people like the physical therapist and they remind me of where I have been, what I have learned and how fortunate I am to be here. My last year in Texas can be summed up by a page in my Dr Seuss book,
You can get so confused
that you'll start to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space
headed, I fear, toward the most useless place
The Waiting Place...
I was in the waiting place for far too long. I hope to never do that again, to keep it in perspective and live, no matter the situation... We only have one life, but if we do it right that is all we will need.
"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed" - Dr Seuss
Sunday, May 15, 2011
What I Was Looking For
Not sure who knows, but I moved to Texas for a guy and I left Texas because of a guy. That is a fact. Needless to say, my 20s were full of "guys," and once I left Colorado, not many friends. It was something I took for granted when I left, that the friends I had I could make anywhere. Granted, I kept in touch with all of them, but with any relationship... long distance changes things. Lately the saying, "The more things change, the more things stay the same" starts to become clearer in the strangest moments. Like when I am dancing in a club with girls from high school and a friend from Texas, or when I am posing for a picture with my old college roommate that lives in Boston but now with her husband and as I am listening to my 90-year grandpa tell me why I shouldn't be routing for the Lakers to beat the Mavericks... I am slowly becoming me again. This last month, I kinda of dated... I would say I am hitting dry spell when it comes to guys... but this last month I have had some amazing moments with friends I have had since 8th grade and friends I have had for 8 months. I have even had the chance to reconnect with friends I thought I lost.
I love to dance and travel. Three of the last four weekends included some sort of dance party and the other weekend was spent in California, celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday and watching the Rockies play at AT&T Park with a guy I have known since I was 13. I couldn't be happier. This is what I was missing... this was why when things got bad they got really bad, there were very few people available to make me laugh, laugh at me and dance. And now, all I do is laugh and dance. I have learned to laugh again... really laugh and know that all these people around me will be there, even if it gets ugly.
Life has brought me back where I was always supposed to be... this time with a few life lessons, maybe a little baggage... but at least it is cute and matches.
I love to dance and travel. Three of the last four weekends included some sort of dance party and the other weekend was spent in California, celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday and watching the Rockies play at AT&T Park with a guy I have known since I was 13. I couldn't be happier. This is what I was missing... this was why when things got bad they got really bad, there were very few people available to make me laugh, laugh at me and dance. And now, all I do is laugh and dance. I have learned to laugh again... really laugh and know that all these people around me will be there, even if it gets ugly.
Life has brought me back where I was always supposed to be... this time with a few life lessons, maybe a little baggage... but at least it is cute and matches.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Shit Show
There were four events that led me to Sunday morning at 4am, asking one of my best friend's husband (Boston friends) "Is there really a guy out there for me?"
Event One
I randomly saw two guys I knew at a bar before my 30th birthday, one went to high school with me, the other I knew through mutual friends in college. We started talking about this one married couple we all knew and the mutual friend goes, "When are they going to start to have kids, the dude is almost 30?" I shrug it off and then towards the end of the conversation let them know the big birthday is in three days, "So I guess that means I have three days to meet a guy and get knocked up?" We all laugh and I go watch the Rockies game.
Event Two
I turn 30.
Event Three
The guy who got me through Dallas starts sending these random emails about why I am not emailing him. I am not going to get into the way things were before I left Dallas or how he treated me during my marathon weekend... it just is what it is. He then lets me know that he hopes I "meet someone like I want."
Event Four
Friday night I am at the bar getting a beer for me and the Boston friends. Some guy starts talking to me, flirting, I smile, talk back... but once I get my beers I want to be with my friends. I have learned that friends are not something I will ever take for granted again. As I am walking away with my beers the guy goes, "Girls like you don't get it. You will always be alone."
I didn't address that statement right then, I walked away. Talked a little to the roommate about this past year and then unloaded on my friend's husband Sunday morning. We can say what we want about the guy that called me out... bitter, he will be alone, etc. The truth is I am 30, being with someone is not high on my priority list... I am not defined by a relationship with a guy, so don't tell me it is what I want. Maybe that is what you want, but that is not what I want. I have accepted I may be alone, but I would rather be alone than be married to any of the ex-boyfriends.
At the end of the conversation my friend's husband goes, "Your ex was an asshole. And I promise you, even if you like sports, make money or own a house, someone will be ok with that and will love you." I'll drink to that.
Event One
I randomly saw two guys I knew at a bar before my 30th birthday, one went to high school with me, the other I knew through mutual friends in college. We started talking about this one married couple we all knew and the mutual friend goes, "When are they going to start to have kids, the dude is almost 30?" I shrug it off and then towards the end of the conversation let them know the big birthday is in three days, "So I guess that means I have three days to meet a guy and get knocked up?" We all laugh and I go watch the Rockies game.
Event Two
I turn 30.
Event Three
The guy who got me through Dallas starts sending these random emails about why I am not emailing him. I am not going to get into the way things were before I left Dallas or how he treated me during my marathon weekend... it just is what it is. He then lets me know that he hopes I "meet someone like I want."
Event Four
Friday night I am at the bar getting a beer for me and the Boston friends. Some guy starts talking to me, flirting, I smile, talk back... but once I get my beers I want to be with my friends. I have learned that friends are not something I will ever take for granted again. As I am walking away with my beers the guy goes, "Girls like you don't get it. You will always be alone."
I didn't address that statement right then, I walked away. Talked a little to the roommate about this past year and then unloaded on my friend's husband Sunday morning. We can say what we want about the guy that called me out... bitter, he will be alone, etc. The truth is I am 30, being with someone is not high on my priority list... I am not defined by a relationship with a guy, so don't tell me it is what I want. Maybe that is what you want, but that is not what I want. I have accepted I may be alone, but I would rather be alone than be married to any of the ex-boyfriends.
At the end of the conversation my friend's husband goes, "Your ex was an asshole. And I promise you, even if you like sports, make money or own a house, someone will be ok with that and will love you." I'll drink to that.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Looking Good on Paper
I don't think it has anything to do with being 30, more about just coming out of a serious relationship. I have had many discussions with some great women in my life who are getting back into the dating game... we have all decided dating sucks. What runs through my mind when I am out and about or on a first date, is I am pretty amazing... on paper.
I like to work out. I eat healthy. I enjoy a GOOD beer. I like to dance. I love sports and know a lot about football, basketball and baseball. I have a college education and a good career that I am good at. I have owned a house, traveled the world, I will do anything for anyone and I recently confirmed that I can be in a short, black dress in the trendiest bar in the area and associate a rap song with kickoff at a NFL game or Jim Rome. Isn't that what most guys want? A smart, active woman? Someone you can take to a work event or a sports bar? I think I look good on paper.
For whatever the reason, I attract the exact opposite of me. I don't doubt that some guy out there is looking for a girl like me. I just hate that experience is telling me guys want someone just a little below their level... someone not as smart, not as successful, someone that doesn't know as much about sports as they do. Date after date I realize half way through that I have just a little more self esteem, a little more confidence... I am not going to change this. These are all things I love about myself. So I will keep adding to my resume and bear down for the long haul.
I like to work out. I eat healthy. I enjoy a GOOD beer. I like to dance. I love sports and know a lot about football, basketball and baseball. I have a college education and a good career that I am good at. I have owned a house, traveled the world, I will do anything for anyone and I recently confirmed that I can be in a short, black dress in the trendiest bar in the area and associate a rap song with kickoff at a NFL game or Jim Rome. Isn't that what most guys want? A smart, active woman? Someone you can take to a work event or a sports bar? I think I look good on paper.
For whatever the reason, I attract the exact opposite of me. I don't doubt that some guy out there is looking for a girl like me. I just hate that experience is telling me guys want someone just a little below their level... someone not as smart, not as successful, someone that doesn't know as much about sports as they do. Date after date I realize half way through that I have just a little more self esteem, a little more confidence... I am not going to change this. These are all things I love about myself. So I will keep adding to my resume and bear down for the long haul.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Yay Dancing
What was the best birthday you ever had?
I got asked this question recently, and I realized that I could probably tell you about the worst birthdays I ever had... But really couldn't tell you about the best. Growing up, it was not a big deal. As a result, I never got amped up for it. I got older. I would go out. I would keep expectations low, but from year to year the people around me would change... then I came home, and turned 30.
My couple friends from Dallas, came out to visit. The now husband took off for the mountains and she stayed in Denver for ladies night. I forget sometimes just how hard these two tried to stay neutral during all that mess with the ex, and I am so glad they did. Talking about Dallas reminds me of what I left behind, it is slowly getting easier to deal with... but a lot slower than I ever thought. It is in this thought process that I realize, this friend had come up to be with me, to celebrate my birthday for the third year in a row. I then realize the girls that are coming out were all there last year when I down and out. And not just last year, any time I needed it... one of these girls had been there. Every decade of my life would be represented Saturday night... from 8th grade, to high school basketball, to my first day at college, my last day at college, my hard times in Dallas, and now my 30th birthday... they were all there.
Only one thing to do in this situation. Go dancing. And we did. And we rocked it, like you only can as an older, wiser 30 year old.
We go to the trendiest dance club in Denver. This is not saying much after living in Dallas, but we get "Texas Dressy," order bottle service, and dance. No drama. No effort. Just girls from all over having fun. At one point me and this girl I knew in college head out to the dance floor. I had noticed this guy in a white shirt all night... he is leaving the dance floor as we are going to it. We look at each other AGAIN and he stops. He stops to find out my name, say happy birthday and tell me I look great for 30. This guy is, without a doubt, the hottest guy to ever hit on me. He promises to come back.
I find my girls in the VIP area, we are still dancing... as the time to leave approaches, I decide to go find this hot guy. I walk out into the club and the song "All the way turned up" is playing. How do I know this? Because they play it at sporting events. I love that I am in a short, black dress and know this. I smile. I did this last year... I was a year older and a year wiser. This time I am not leaving my friends for a hot guy at a dance club. I turn around, find my girls... get in a cab and go home.
I don't know it all... I don't know much... but I love that just getting hit on by the hottest guy ever and having my best friends with me was all I needed. Probably all I will ever need. I can't wait to dance at 40. Hopefully with the same girls.
I got asked this question recently, and I realized that I could probably tell you about the worst birthdays I ever had... But really couldn't tell you about the best. Growing up, it was not a big deal. As a result, I never got amped up for it. I got older. I would go out. I would keep expectations low, but from year to year the people around me would change... then I came home, and turned 30.
My couple friends from Dallas, came out to visit. The now husband took off for the mountains and she stayed in Denver for ladies night. I forget sometimes just how hard these two tried to stay neutral during all that mess with the ex, and I am so glad they did. Talking about Dallas reminds me of what I left behind, it is slowly getting easier to deal with... but a lot slower than I ever thought. It is in this thought process that I realize, this friend had come up to be with me, to celebrate my birthday for the third year in a row. I then realize the girls that are coming out were all there last year when I down and out. And not just last year, any time I needed it... one of these girls had been there. Every decade of my life would be represented Saturday night... from 8th grade, to high school basketball, to my first day at college, my last day at college, my hard times in Dallas, and now my 30th birthday... they were all there.
Only one thing to do in this situation. Go dancing. And we did. And we rocked it, like you only can as an older, wiser 30 year old.
We go to the trendiest dance club in Denver. This is not saying much after living in Dallas, but we get "Texas Dressy," order bottle service, and dance. No drama. No effort. Just girls from all over having fun. At one point me and this girl I knew in college head out to the dance floor. I had noticed this guy in a white shirt all night... he is leaving the dance floor as we are going to it. We look at each other AGAIN and he stops. He stops to find out my name, say happy birthday and tell me I look great for 30. This guy is, without a doubt, the hottest guy to ever hit on me. He promises to come back.
I find my girls in the VIP area, we are still dancing... as the time to leave approaches, I decide to go find this hot guy. I walk out into the club and the song "All the way turned up" is playing. How do I know this? Because they play it at sporting events. I love that I am in a short, black dress and know this. I smile. I did this last year... I was a year older and a year wiser. This time I am not leaving my friends for a hot guy at a dance club. I turn around, find my girls... get in a cab and go home.
I don't know it all... I don't know much... but I love that just getting hit on by the hottest guy ever and having my best friends with me was all I needed. Probably all I will ever need. I can't wait to dance at 40. Hopefully with the same girls.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Hood
On Monday I went to a Colorado Rockies game. I put on my purple t-shirt, Rockies hat to protect from the chance of rain and put the iPOD headphones in my ears and began my walk to Coors Field. This was a 1.5 mile hike through what Denver considers "The Hood." The Ghetto. Where you don't want to live. This is my new neighborhood. I loved every minute of this walk.
I love walking. When things were crazy in my life, I walked. I walked whenever I felt like I was going to break, to calm down... I also walk when I am really excited and need to come back down to earth. During a walk you see things that you wouldn't usually see in a car or on a run. I passed by the train station where all the young gangsta kids asked me if I had cigerettes, I then passed the school field where the cutest kids were playing soccer and just as I was approaching the City I saw the young professional in his suit on his iPhone taking his dog out.
I am a lot like this neighborhood. Young, vibrant, full of life... some of it seems misdirected. I want to take the kids drinking in the park behind my house and remind them that the world needs them to succeed. I am not ignorant, I see the drug dealers, see the fights... but I also see the black kids playing soccer with the white kids and I want them to be like that forever. I see the old victorian house that the owner can't afford to maintain and try to imagine what this City used to look like. Just because someone, something appears a little beaten on the outside doesn't mean it isn't amazing the minute you walk in the door.
My new running route to City Park takes me down this street where every other intersection dead ends into a park. I love that parks used to matter to people. Oh, and I love that the closest bar to my house is a gay bar. This is my neighborhood.
It happens tomorrow. 30. Do I need to change my site header?
I got to the Rockies game, walked into a random bar, saw people I knew, joked around and went to the game. Life is simple. I like it better this way.
Like the hood I am a little beaten up on the outside. I am still defining my identity. Am I the young professional? The kid looking for direction? You may be a little apprehensive to get to know me or come into my world... but I can guarentee I have great intentions, life lessons to share and I am amazing on the inside. The world may have not been to kind to me, but I am not mad, I am still here. I took the long route, but I finally made it home... just in time for my 30th birthday.
I love walking. When things were crazy in my life, I walked. I walked whenever I felt like I was going to break, to calm down... I also walk when I am really excited and need to come back down to earth. During a walk you see things that you wouldn't usually see in a car or on a run. I passed by the train station where all the young gangsta kids asked me if I had cigerettes, I then passed the school field where the cutest kids were playing soccer and just as I was approaching the City I saw the young professional in his suit on his iPhone taking his dog out.
I am a lot like this neighborhood. Young, vibrant, full of life... some of it seems misdirected. I want to take the kids drinking in the park behind my house and remind them that the world needs them to succeed. I am not ignorant, I see the drug dealers, see the fights... but I also see the black kids playing soccer with the white kids and I want them to be like that forever. I see the old victorian house that the owner can't afford to maintain and try to imagine what this City used to look like. Just because someone, something appears a little beaten on the outside doesn't mean it isn't amazing the minute you walk in the door.
My new running route to City Park takes me down this street where every other intersection dead ends into a park. I love that parks used to matter to people. Oh, and I love that the closest bar to my house is a gay bar. This is my neighborhood.
It happens tomorrow. 30. Do I need to change my site header?
I got to the Rockies game, walked into a random bar, saw people I knew, joked around and went to the game. Life is simple. I like it better this way.
Like the hood I am a little beaten up on the outside. I am still defining my identity. Am I the young professional? The kid looking for direction? You may be a little apprehensive to get to know me or come into my world... but I can guarentee I have great intentions, life lessons to share and I am amazing on the inside. The world may have not been to kind to me, but I am not mad, I am still here. I took the long route, but I finally made it home... just in time for my 30th birthday.
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