Shit Show

There were four events that led me to Sunday morning at 4am, asking one of my best friend's husband (Boston friends) "Is there really a guy out there for me?"

Event One
I randomly saw two guys I knew at a bar before my 30th birthday, one went to high school with me, the other I knew through mutual friends in college.  We started talking about this one married couple we all knew and the mutual friend goes, "When are they going to start to have kids, the dude is almost 30?"  I shrug it off and then towards the end of the conversation let them know the big birthday is in three days, "So I guess that means I have three days to meet a guy and get knocked up?"  We all laugh and I go watch the Rockies game.

Event Two
I turn 30.

Event Three
The guy who got me through Dallas starts sending these random emails about why I am not emailing him.  I am not going to get into the way things were before I left Dallas or how he treated me during my marathon weekend... it just is what it is.  He then lets me know that he hopes I "meet someone like I want."

Event Four
Friday night I am at the bar getting a beer for me and the Boston friends.  Some guy starts talking to me, flirting, I smile, talk back... but once I get my beers I want to be with my friends.  I have learned that friends are not something I will ever take for granted again.  As I am walking away with my beers the guy goes, "Girls like you don't get it.  You will always be alone."

I didn't address that statement right then, I walked away.  Talked a little to the roommate about this past year and then unloaded on my friend's husband Sunday morning.  We can say what we want about the guy that called me out... bitter, he will be alone, etc.  The truth is I am 30, being with someone is not high on my priority list... I am not defined by a relationship with a guy, so don't tell me it is what I want.  Maybe that is what you want, but that is not what I want.  I have accepted I may be alone, but I would rather be alone than be married to any of the ex-boyfriends. 

At the end of the conversation my friend's husband goes, "Your ex was an asshole.  And I promise you, even if you like sports, make money or own a house, someone will be ok with that and will love you."  I'll drink to that.

Looking Good on Paper

I don't think it has anything to do with being 30, more about just coming out of a serious relationship. I have had many discussions with some great women in my life who are getting back into the dating game... we have all decided dating sucks. What runs through my mind when I am out and about or on a first date, is I am pretty amazing... on paper.

I like to work out. I eat healthy. I enjoy a GOOD beer. I like to dance. I love sports and know a lot about football, basketball and baseball. I have a college education and a good career that I am good at. I have owned a house, traveled the world, I will do anything for anyone and I recently confirmed that I can be in a short, black dress in the trendiest bar in the area and associate a rap song with kickoff at a NFL game or Jim Rome. Isn't that what most guys want? A smart, active woman? Someone you can take to a work event or a sports bar? I think I look good on paper.

For whatever the reason, I attract the exact opposite of me. I don't doubt that some guy out there is looking for a girl like me. I just hate that experience is telling me guys want someone just a little below their level... someone not as smart, not as successful, someone that doesn't know as much about sports as they do. Date after date I realize half way through that I have just a little more self esteem, a little more confidence... I am not going to change this. These are all things I love about myself. So I will keep adding to my resume and bear down for the long haul.

Yay Dancing

What was the best birthday you ever had?

I got asked this question recently, and I realized that I could probably tell you about the worst birthdays I ever had... But really couldn't tell you about the best. Growing up, it was not a big deal. As a result, I never got amped up for it. I got older. I would go out. I would keep expectations low, but from year to year the people around me would change... then I came home, and turned 30.

My couple friends from Dallas, came out to visit. The now husband took off for the mountains and she stayed in Denver for ladies night. I forget sometimes just how hard these two tried to stay neutral during all that mess with the ex, and I am so glad they did. Talking about Dallas reminds me of what I left behind, it is slowly getting easier to deal with... but a lot slower than I ever thought. It is in this thought process that I realize, this friend had come up to be with me, to celebrate my birthday for the third year in a row. I then realize the girls that are coming out were all there last year when I down and out. And not just last year, any time I needed it... one of these girls had been there. Every decade of my life would be represented Saturday night... from 8th grade, to high school basketball, to my first day at college, my last day at college, my hard times in Dallas, and now my 30th birthday... they were all there.

Only one thing to do in this situation. Go dancing. And we did. And we rocked it, like you only can as an older, wiser 30 year old.

We go to the trendiest dance club in Denver. This is not saying much after living in Dallas, but we get "Texas Dressy," order bottle service, and dance. No drama. No effort. Just girls from all over having fun. At one point me and this girl I knew in college head out to the dance floor. I had noticed this guy in a white shirt all night... he is leaving the dance floor as we are going to it. We look at each other AGAIN and he stops. He stops to find out my name, say happy birthday and tell me I look great for 30. This guy is, without a doubt, the hottest guy to ever hit on me. He promises to come back.

I find my girls in the VIP area, we are still dancing... as the time to leave approaches, I decide to go find this hot guy. I walk out into the club and the song "All the way turned up" is playing. How do I know this? Because they play it at sporting events. I love that I am in a short, black dress and know this. I smile. I did this last year... I was a year older and a year wiser. This time I am not leaving my friends for a hot guy at a dance club. I turn around, find my girls... get in a cab and go home.

I don't know it all... I don't know much... but I love that just getting hit on by the hottest guy ever and having my best friends with me was all I needed. Probably all I will ever need. I can't wait to dance at 40. Hopefully with the same girls.

The Hood

On Monday I went to a Colorado Rockies game. I put on my purple t-shirt, Rockies hat to protect from the chance of rain and put the iPOD headphones in my ears and began my walk to Coors Field. This was a 1.5 mile hike through what Denver considers "The Hood." The Ghetto. Where you don't want to live. This is my new neighborhood. I loved every minute of this walk.

I love walking. When things were crazy in my life, I walked. I walked whenever I felt like I was going to break, to calm down... I also walk when I am really excited and need to come back down to earth. During a walk you see things that you wouldn't usually see in a car or on a run. I passed by the train station where all the young gangsta kids asked me if I had cigerettes, I then passed the school field where the cutest kids were playing soccer and just as I was approaching the City I saw the young professional in his suit on his iPhone taking his dog out.

I am a lot like this neighborhood. Young, vibrant, full of life... some of it seems misdirected. I want to take the kids drinking in the park behind my house and remind them that the world needs them to succeed. I am not ignorant, I see the drug dealers, see the fights... but I also see the black kids playing soccer with the white kids and I want them to be like that forever. I see the old victorian house that the owner can't afford to maintain and try to imagine what this City used to look like. Just because someone, something appears a little beaten on the outside doesn't mean it isn't amazing the minute you walk in the door.

My new running route to City Park takes me down this street where every other intersection dead ends into a park. I love that parks used to matter to people. Oh, and I love that the closest bar to my house is a gay bar. This is my neighborhood.

It happens tomorrow. 30. Do I need to change my site header?

I got to the Rockies game, walked into a random bar, saw people I knew, joked around and went to the game. Life is simple. I like it better this way.

Like the hood I am a little beaten up on the outside. I am still defining my identity. Am I the young professional? The kid looking for direction? You may be a little apprehensive to get to know me or come into my world... but I can guarentee I have great intentions, life lessons to share and I am amazing on the inside. The world may have not been to kind to me, but I am not mad, I am still here. I took the long route, but I finally made it home... just in time for my 30th birthday.

Just Being

When my mind races, my body gets exhausted.  This resulted in No Workout Monday for the first time in months.  So I did the next best thing, I bought a package of Peanut M&Ms, ate them, went home where I enjoyed a shot of Jameson (this is my new thing, a shot for the next 10 days, also known as the last 10 days of my 20s) and a Magners.  I also threw on the ipod and sat outside and enjoyed what was ultimately my Happy Hour.  My mind kept racing, 30, being stood up, how short life really is, have I lived, is this living, what is next, will I meet someone, do I want to meet someone, can I open up again... and then finally it stopped. 

I am not sprinting towards anything.  I am just being.  I worked so hard my whole life and this is where I am.  Maybe this is where I am supposed to be.  There are a few things in life I still want.  I still want to meet someone that loves me, the crazy me, all of me.  Yeah, I can work towards that I guess, with all the online dating options, social events set up for people like me... but is that the way you are supposed to meet someone?  Am I old school to say, it will happen when it is supposed to happen?  I put myself out there, I do things... maybe someday while I am out doing things, I will just meet someone. 

I followed this Happy Hour with a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich and a great conversation with the new roommate.

I signed up for a writing class today... now, that seems more natural.  It allows me to continue to just be...

10 Days

This last week I started planning the birthday.  Which has turned out to look like a very self-centered event.  I didn't plan this on purpose, but it falls on Easter weekend and I have two really good friends coming in on two different weekends... so here we go.  I got so caught up in the planning that I didn't even realize it was 10 days away.  Honestly, I started the blog thinking "oh by the time I am 30 I will have it all figured out again, don't worry."  I don't have it figured out.

So if getting to 30 was a race, I am technically in the sprint to the finish line.  What I love, is that in even in my last few days in my 20s, I am having new experiences.  I got stood up yesterday.  Thank you, Fisherman, that was a first.  I am just going to smile about that one... why not?  Last three guys I thought I could like or did like, text message on Christmas Eve, girlfriend, no call, respectively.  Is this the stuff they are talking about when they say, "Enjoy the ride."?  I guess good character is not a given.

This last weekend I had to watch my old college roommate stand up and be brave, and say good bye to her old man.  Character.  Her family has that. I think that is why I am drawn to each one of them.  This wasn't my first funeral, but this was the first time I witnessed a friend lose a family member.  They were expecting 75 people at the service, they had over 200 show up.  Her old man impacted my life in such a short time, apparently I was not the only one.

After these two events I find myself in a really strange mood.  My mind is going 100 mph and it just won't stop.  Do I run, write, go out?  I knew I was starting over, but I didn't realize just what that meant.  Nor did I realize the effort that is required to change your life. 

So the next 10 days... can I just hide?  No.  That is what I did last year.  I can guarantee a couple things this year, I will not get flowers, the Broncos will not draft Tim Tebow and I will be in the mountains at some point over the next few days.  Time to regroup, breathe and live every day, no matter what it looks like.

That's enough 20s, that's enough.

Oh The Irish

I moved to Fort Collins in August of 1999 to begin college at Colorado State University, and ultimately start the rest of my life.  My roommate was randomly selected for me, she was also from Colorado, also a Taurus, also an engineering major and also Irish.  We did great things together, like get our eyebrows pierced, take spring break trips to Mexico and Iowa and beat up annoying girls for eachother.  We would keep in touch on and off for the next 11 years of lives. 

Last year we went to Ireland together, which was always in the cards for us as far as I am concerned.  This was the trip where I learned about "The Box."  The Box was created by her dad and uncles, each of them had a key.  On special occasions they opened the box, celebrated with those that were there, remembered those that were not and take a shot from the bottle of Irish Whiskey that resided in that box.  I loved this story and enjoyed checking out the bottle she had bought in Northern Ireland for The Box.

This last Christmas Eve I got an invite to come over for dinner.  I am not going to lie, I got excited to be a part of The Box.  This was also a big validation moment for me because her old man pulled me aside and said to me what I wanted everyone in Dallas to say, but never did.  He goes "young lady I know you have been through alot this last year.  I don't know the details, but I know you have moved and changed jobs, among other things.  That is alot of change for anyone.  And I want to know that you are doing ok?"  It was all I ever wanted, I didn't want to tell my story, I just wanted people to understand it wasn't easy and to ask if I was ok.  It meant the world to me.  I told my old roommate about it, reminded her she had a great old man... and thanked her for making me a part of her family.

Her old man passed away yesterday, running.  Just two weeks prior we were looking up his half marathon times in Moab, he had run the same race we were about to run 20 years ago... I am honored to have known this man, to have shared Irish Whiskey with him and to have run in the same race he did.  I don't get it sometimes.  I can only hope I can impact someone the way he impacted me on Christmas Eve.  In that moment he gave me what I had so desperately wanted for the last year of my life.  He will be missed.