One thing that I have associated with, even blamed failed relationships on, in my 20s is insecurity. I convinced myself that most guys I dated were insecure about dating a woman that liked football, was social, successful in her career, "smart." I told myself there is a guy out there that is secure enough to date me and trend away from the society's definition of gender roles in a relationship.
Then I went out on a date, ok call it two, with a guy who appears to be secure with all these things. In fact, he understands what I do for a living, can have an educated conversation on books, politics, and clearly doesn't care about society's definition of success, career, marriage, kids. He even has a masters in environmental law. This guy is perfect, right? During these two dates, insecurities have surfaced I had no idea were there. I am slightly intimidated by how smart he is, can I keep up? Do I need to keep up? In fact after severely over analyzing this insecurity, I am excited to take it on. I joke around that maybe I chose to date guys not as educated or informed as me so I could be the "smart" one in the relationship. Growing up I was not the cute one, I was the smart one... I think subconsciously I wanted to keep it that way. That was my identity. An identity that others put on me. That didn't work out.
The second insecurity I struggle with. I struggle with it because I think it is shallow, superficial, everything I thought Dallas was and I was not. I think this guy is very attractive, but he is skinny. Frontman to a indie band skinny. Skateboarder skinny. When I see him, I don't see me standing next to him, I see a shorter, petite brunette standing by his side. That makes me insecure. For the first time in a long time I don't feel I am physically attractive, or "look" the part. Then I start thinking, do I have the "look" to attract the guy I am looking for... and if this guy has some of the pieces I have been missing, it is not for me to decide if he thinks I am attractive? For the first time I am faced with the challenge to break what would be the social norm, on the surface. Not as easy as I thought all these years.
The disclaimer here is, I don't like that I feel this way, I want to change it. Either that or I can just date some young 24-year old that thinks I am "sooooooo amazing...(and) a good dancer." True story, I actually got that text from a 22-year old, please spare me the judgement on why he has my number... that is for another blog.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Old Pictures
With friends getting married, moving, traveling the world, I have been looking through old pictures. Everyone jokes around with what to do with pictures, since the digital age, people don't do alot. I have all mine on a flash drive. I found the 2010-Paris folder... the girl I saw run a marathon in Paris got married last weekend and another left Dallas to begin her life in Salt Lake City. I love these pictures. But there is one that gets me everytime.
We ended up at some gardens one day in Paris. In the center of this garden was a small, man-made pond. For a fee you could rent a little boat, but it wasn't the typical remote control boat you would see in the States. It was a sailboat with a stick. The kids would put their boats in the water and push them around from the edge of the pond. It was so simple. They were happy.
It was that exact moment that I wanted joy out of simplicity. I wanted it back... those days I spent in the backyard with my brother making up endless games with a ball. When you could just look outside and smile, those days when you remembered to look outside. Those kids had that happiness that I associate with youth... and everytime I see this picture I think of that. I went for a walk around City Park last night at the end of a date, he spent most of the walk pointing out things he notices when he is in the park alone... those moments. I want more of those.
We ended up at some gardens one day in Paris. In the center of this garden was a small, man-made pond. For a fee you could rent a little boat, but it wasn't the typical remote control boat you would see in the States. It was a sailboat with a stick. The kids would put their boats in the water and push them around from the edge of the pond. It was so simple. They were happy.
It was that exact moment that I wanted joy out of simplicity. I wanted it back... those days I spent in the backyard with my brother making up endless games with a ball. When you could just look outside and smile, those days when you remembered to look outside. Those kids had that happiness that I associate with youth... and everytime I see this picture I think of that. I went for a walk around City Park last night at the end of a date, he spent most of the walk pointing out things he notices when he is in the park alone... those moments. I want more of those.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hot. Corporate. Hell.
I can remember 18 months ago thinking, "just give me 6 months and I will be fine." That thinking was the beginning of the end for me. I needed more time... and I finally got it, and I am finally fine. I briefly rolled into Dallas for my Ironman friend's wedding. In typical Morgan fashion, I tried to see as many people as I could in a very brief period... old cowokers, old bosses, old clients, old friends, old running partner... I fit them all into a jammed packed two days, not to mention why I really went down there; to see one of the most amazing people I know get married to the man that makes her the happiest I have ever seen almost anyone. It is couples like this that remind you, don't settle for anything less than what they have...
This time I was not in tears when I left Texas... I left with a smile on my face, happy to be going home. It is behind me, all of it. It is without a doubt a part of me, but I felt it, experienced it and learned from it. I learned I am a Coloradoan at heart. And although we can handle any blizzard, heat wave, freak storm... we can not handle humidity. I am also not cut-throat. I like to give credit where credit is due, and I was not prepared for the corporate world. I was good at it, but I hated what that brought out in people. I love coming to work, doing work and going home... I have a life again.
Somewhere in my 20s I almost forgot what was important or what I really wanted in life. I always think about a moment in high school basketball when my coach asked us to write down what we wanted in life... I don't remember the whole sheet, but I wrote that I wanted to hear every language in the respective country. Now, I realize that is a lofty goal... none-the-less, I wanted to travel. I didn't write that I wanted to be associate, a wife, a mother, own a house... I tried it their way. It was hell. So glad to be doing it my way. Traveling, dancing, laughing, dating... living my way with real people, real friends standing all around me.
This time I was not in tears when I left Texas... I left with a smile on my face, happy to be going home. It is behind me, all of it. It is without a doubt a part of me, but I felt it, experienced it and learned from it. I learned I am a Coloradoan at heart. And although we can handle any blizzard, heat wave, freak storm... we can not handle humidity. I am also not cut-throat. I like to give credit where credit is due, and I was not prepared for the corporate world. I was good at it, but I hated what that brought out in people. I love coming to work, doing work and going home... I have a life again.
Somewhere in my 20s I almost forgot what was important or what I really wanted in life. I always think about a moment in high school basketball when my coach asked us to write down what we wanted in life... I don't remember the whole sheet, but I wrote that I wanted to hear every language in the respective country. Now, I realize that is a lofty goal... none-the-less, I wanted to travel. I didn't write that I wanted to be associate, a wife, a mother, own a house... I tried it their way. It was hell. So glad to be doing it my way. Traveling, dancing, laughing, dating... living my way with real people, real friends standing all around me.
Monday, May 23, 2011
The Baseball Field
Sometimes I think that the decisions our parents make for us when we are kids plays a large roll in who we are and become. I can remember my parents signing me up for t-ball when I was 5. We were the Cubs, we wore light blue and I was one of two girls on the team. I remember I didn't want to play in the outfield because I was a girl, I wanted to play second base, where the best player on our team played. I played baseball with the boys until I was told I had to play softball. My last year playing with the boys, my last game, I finally got to start at second base. I have been trying to keep up with the boys ever since.
I love baseball. My first MLB game in Texas I went on my birthday, on a Sunday afternoon, to see the Boston Red Sox play... I was trying to pretend I was still in Colorado. In reality I was in Texas, I was hot, I didn't know one player on the Rangers team and there was not a microbrew in sight. I fell out of love with baseball for 6+ years... and then I came home and moved 1.5 miles from Coors Field.
On my way home from work and on my walk to Coors Field, I pass by this one City owned baseball field. It is in the ghetto, Five Points but on the edge of the City. There is a public library next to it, with a playground. I never see children at the park, but I see baseball games, softball games daily. The kids playing are just like me, white, probably young professionals, looking to stay active. Their audience? Homeless people, black neighbors, baseball fans. This image makes me feel. I love that. I think... do the softball players care that homeless people have lined up for a game? Are they intimidated? Are the homeless people bitter, do they think the players are spoiled? Or is everyone out there just to enjoy baseball? And for a moment, for an hour... we can all put our differences aside, ignore the fact that life is not fair and just enjoy baseball... like we did that first awkward day at t-ball before we learned that we were different, that life isn't fair and sometimes it isn't about keeping up with the boys.
I love baseball. My first MLB game in Texas I went on my birthday, on a Sunday afternoon, to see the Boston Red Sox play... I was trying to pretend I was still in Colorado. In reality I was in Texas, I was hot, I didn't know one player on the Rangers team and there was not a microbrew in sight. I fell out of love with baseball for 6+ years... and then I came home and moved 1.5 miles from Coors Field.
On my way home from work and on my walk to Coors Field, I pass by this one City owned baseball field. It is in the ghetto, Five Points but on the edge of the City. There is a public library next to it, with a playground. I never see children at the park, but I see baseball games, softball games daily. The kids playing are just like me, white, probably young professionals, looking to stay active. Their audience? Homeless people, black neighbors, baseball fans. This image makes me feel. I love that. I think... do the softball players care that homeless people have lined up for a game? Are they intimidated? Are the homeless people bitter, do they think the players are spoiled? Or is everyone out there just to enjoy baseball? And for a moment, for an hour... we can all put our differences aside, ignore the fact that life is not fair and just enjoy baseball... like we did that first awkward day at t-ball before we learned that we were different, that life isn't fair and sometimes it isn't about keeping up with the boys.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Keeping It in Perspective
Two things I got from two very good friends last year: a water bottle that says "Keep Calm and Carry on", and "Oh The Places You Will Go" by Dr. Suess. These two items motivated me, kept me going when I didn't want to. I can admit my time in Texas has taught me to be more patient and remain calm... I can feel it, small things really just don't bother me anymore. I have also slowed down to notice those moments, those moments to remind me, things are good.
Last night I had one of those moments. I had spent my Saturday afternoon talking to a few of my friends and no matter how the conversation started, each time it ended with a story of someone we knew cheating on someone, getting divorced, just couples that were unhappy. I went over to the Canadians condo, nicely located next to Mile Hi, where I join her and another friend to share in a glass of wine and much needed girl time. We grab our wine, blankets and head to the rooftop, to enjoy the last few hours of daylight, each other's company and the close but distant sounds of The Fray and U2.
On the rooftop, we are joined by a physical therapist. One thing leads to another and we quickly learn he moved to Denver with his soon be ex-wife. He fit right into the topic of the day's conversation. A little more vino and we learn that the man has a serious heart condition, is on the waiting list for a heart transplant and this condition was too much for his wife and she wanted a divorce. That, and she had his U2 concert ticket. We all agreed that his story was the worst of the day, and if all that was true... he had married someone without a soul. They had been married for 18 months and he was 34 years old, not only with a bad heart, but a broken one too.
My life is good. I have great friends, I love my job and I am FINALLY happy with where I am in life. I meet people like the physical therapist and they remind me of where I have been, what I have learned and how fortunate I am to be here. My last year in Texas can be summed up by a page in my Dr Seuss book,
You can get so confused
that you'll start to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space
headed, I fear, toward the most useless place
The Waiting Place...
I was in the waiting place for far too long. I hope to never do that again, to keep it in perspective and live, no matter the situation... We only have one life, but if we do it right that is all we will need.
"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed" - Dr Seuss
Last night I had one of those moments. I had spent my Saturday afternoon talking to a few of my friends and no matter how the conversation started, each time it ended with a story of someone we knew cheating on someone, getting divorced, just couples that were unhappy. I went over to the Canadians condo, nicely located next to Mile Hi, where I join her and another friend to share in a glass of wine and much needed girl time. We grab our wine, blankets and head to the rooftop, to enjoy the last few hours of daylight, each other's company and the close but distant sounds of The Fray and U2.
On the rooftop, we are joined by a physical therapist. One thing leads to another and we quickly learn he moved to Denver with his soon be ex-wife. He fit right into the topic of the day's conversation. A little more vino and we learn that the man has a serious heart condition, is on the waiting list for a heart transplant and this condition was too much for his wife and she wanted a divorce. That, and she had his U2 concert ticket. We all agreed that his story was the worst of the day, and if all that was true... he had married someone without a soul. They had been married for 18 months and he was 34 years old, not only with a bad heart, but a broken one too.
My life is good. I have great friends, I love my job and I am FINALLY happy with where I am in life. I meet people like the physical therapist and they remind me of where I have been, what I have learned and how fortunate I am to be here. My last year in Texas can be summed up by a page in my Dr Seuss book,
You can get so confused
that you'll start to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space
headed, I fear, toward the most useless place
The Waiting Place...
I was in the waiting place for far too long. I hope to never do that again, to keep it in perspective and live, no matter the situation... We only have one life, but if we do it right that is all we will need.
"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed" - Dr Seuss
Sunday, May 15, 2011
What I Was Looking For
Not sure who knows, but I moved to Texas for a guy and I left Texas because of a guy. That is a fact. Needless to say, my 20s were full of "guys," and once I left Colorado, not many friends. It was something I took for granted when I left, that the friends I had I could make anywhere. Granted, I kept in touch with all of them, but with any relationship... long distance changes things. Lately the saying, "The more things change, the more things stay the same" starts to become clearer in the strangest moments. Like when I am dancing in a club with girls from high school and a friend from Texas, or when I am posing for a picture with my old college roommate that lives in Boston but now with her husband and as I am listening to my 90-year grandpa tell me why I shouldn't be routing for the Lakers to beat the Mavericks... I am slowly becoming me again. This last month, I kinda of dated... I would say I am hitting dry spell when it comes to guys... but this last month I have had some amazing moments with friends I have had since 8th grade and friends I have had for 8 months. I have even had the chance to reconnect with friends I thought I lost.
I love to dance and travel. Three of the last four weekends included some sort of dance party and the other weekend was spent in California, celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday and watching the Rockies play at AT&T Park with a guy I have known since I was 13. I couldn't be happier. This is what I was missing... this was why when things got bad they got really bad, there were very few people available to make me laugh, laugh at me and dance. And now, all I do is laugh and dance. I have learned to laugh again... really laugh and know that all these people around me will be there, even if it gets ugly.
Life has brought me back where I was always supposed to be... this time with a few life lessons, maybe a little baggage... but at least it is cute and matches.
I love to dance and travel. Three of the last four weekends included some sort of dance party and the other weekend was spent in California, celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday and watching the Rockies play at AT&T Park with a guy I have known since I was 13. I couldn't be happier. This is what I was missing... this was why when things got bad they got really bad, there were very few people available to make me laugh, laugh at me and dance. And now, all I do is laugh and dance. I have learned to laugh again... really laugh and know that all these people around me will be there, even if it gets ugly.
Life has brought me back where I was always supposed to be... this time with a few life lessons, maybe a little baggage... but at least it is cute and matches.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Shit Show
There were four events that led me to Sunday morning at 4am, asking one of my best friend's husband (Boston friends) "Is there really a guy out there for me?"
Event One
I randomly saw two guys I knew at a bar before my 30th birthday, one went to high school with me, the other I knew through mutual friends in college. We started talking about this one married couple we all knew and the mutual friend goes, "When are they going to start to have kids, the dude is almost 30?" I shrug it off and then towards the end of the conversation let them know the big birthday is in three days, "So I guess that means I have three days to meet a guy and get knocked up?" We all laugh and I go watch the Rockies game.
Event Two
I turn 30.
Event Three
The guy who got me through Dallas starts sending these random emails about why I am not emailing him. I am not going to get into the way things were before I left Dallas or how he treated me during my marathon weekend... it just is what it is. He then lets me know that he hopes I "meet someone like I want."
Event Four
Friday night I am at the bar getting a beer for me and the Boston friends. Some guy starts talking to me, flirting, I smile, talk back... but once I get my beers I want to be with my friends. I have learned that friends are not something I will ever take for granted again. As I am walking away with my beers the guy goes, "Girls like you don't get it. You will always be alone."
I didn't address that statement right then, I walked away. Talked a little to the roommate about this past year and then unloaded on my friend's husband Sunday morning. We can say what we want about the guy that called me out... bitter, he will be alone, etc. The truth is I am 30, being with someone is not high on my priority list... I am not defined by a relationship with a guy, so don't tell me it is what I want. Maybe that is what you want, but that is not what I want. I have accepted I may be alone, but I would rather be alone than be married to any of the ex-boyfriends.
At the end of the conversation my friend's husband goes, "Your ex was an asshole. And I promise you, even if you like sports, make money or own a house, someone will be ok with that and will love you." I'll drink to that.
Event One
I randomly saw two guys I knew at a bar before my 30th birthday, one went to high school with me, the other I knew through mutual friends in college. We started talking about this one married couple we all knew and the mutual friend goes, "When are they going to start to have kids, the dude is almost 30?" I shrug it off and then towards the end of the conversation let them know the big birthday is in three days, "So I guess that means I have three days to meet a guy and get knocked up?" We all laugh and I go watch the Rockies game.
Event Two
I turn 30.
Event Three
The guy who got me through Dallas starts sending these random emails about why I am not emailing him. I am not going to get into the way things were before I left Dallas or how he treated me during my marathon weekend... it just is what it is. He then lets me know that he hopes I "meet someone like I want."
Event Four
Friday night I am at the bar getting a beer for me and the Boston friends. Some guy starts talking to me, flirting, I smile, talk back... but once I get my beers I want to be with my friends. I have learned that friends are not something I will ever take for granted again. As I am walking away with my beers the guy goes, "Girls like you don't get it. You will always be alone."
I didn't address that statement right then, I walked away. Talked a little to the roommate about this past year and then unloaded on my friend's husband Sunday morning. We can say what we want about the guy that called me out... bitter, he will be alone, etc. The truth is I am 30, being with someone is not high on my priority list... I am not defined by a relationship with a guy, so don't tell me it is what I want. Maybe that is what you want, but that is not what I want. I have accepted I may be alone, but I would rather be alone than be married to any of the ex-boyfriends.
At the end of the conversation my friend's husband goes, "Your ex was an asshole. And I promise you, even if you like sports, make money or own a house, someone will be ok with that and will love you." I'll drink to that.
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