#winning

Dating.  Being single.  Geez.  This last week has been one for the books.  I was super busy at work, I found myself in old Morgan form, which I loved.  I hit all my workouts... I ran 11 miles, I had to walk up the hills since I beat the hell out of my knee in the marathon, but I made it.  I decided to sign up for match.com since my roommate seemed to be having luck with it.  And I got a classic voice message at 3am on Saturday that made me smile all day and confirmed I am winning.  #winning (The hash tag is courtesy of Twitter and Charlie Sheen and the fact that those two worlds collided made for an interesting week as well)

The voicemail came from Tom, the Ref and Long Sleeve Polo's friend.  He started out by saying he was hanging out with a mutual friend, but that I think he is a douchebag.  At that moment, he could have been referring to either of his friends in my opinion.  (I confirmed later with a text message to Tom that he was referring to the Ref)  Then I got this classic, rambling line "We were hanging out today and he goes, 'you know I think I really liked that girl and I fucked it up.'"   YES!  He did mess it up.  He does have a girlfriend.  This guy has issues... not to mention he thinks Sarah Palin has good ideas, just can't communicate them.  As Tom and I were texting the next day, laughing about the drunk voicemail I go, "I love that you guys were thinking of me at 3am."  His response, "It's a complement really."

This also kept the streak alive.  All the guys that I have dated for longer than a 2-3 month period have all contacted me after the fact to tell me they messed up and would like a second chance.  When I was younger, I would usually give in to the second chance talk... I don't anymore.  I usually even try to point this fact out to the guys I am dating.  I know I did to the ex... he didn't believe me.  And he literally lost his mind.  I am a cool chick.  I can't wait to meet the guy that realizes this, that doesn't need me to fill some void but can just share in this crazy adventure with me. 

I saved the voice message... and I am still smiling.

Six Degrees of Seperation

The one thing that constantly reminds me that my life has completely changed, my job.  It is not the high competitive, corporate world.  Everyone I work with would rather talk about running, their families, their weekend... everyone works to live.  I used to live to work.  I dated guys that lived to work, I was always second to their job.  I realize that if I allow myself I could just roll in everyday, fumble around some design plans for 9 hours and go home.  Now that I feel more settled, I have realized that although I now work to live, I expect more out of myself for the 40 hours I am at work.  This means coming up with my own marketing strategy and being self-motivated.  Before I thought I was self-motivated, but I had a great boss that pushed me to be more... I am taking that, and pushing myself.

The first thing I did was identify the one client our company does not have that strong of a relationship with and volunteer to be on every committee she is one.  Done.  Then I decided to update my Linkedin account and seek out clients and "link" up with them.  During this process Linkedin suggested contacts for me... and there they were, the ex and his new girlfriend.  Of course, no matter the distance the ex and I will always be connected in some way.  The new girlfriend is a "designer" at a flower shop.  I now see where the ex went and did a 180.  For two years he either lied or just didn't know, that he can not date an independent, successful career woman.

I then started thinking, are there many guys out there that can, that want to?  All my life I was told to push myself.  I had to try harder to stand out because I was a girl.  I did.  I look around and realize there are not that many guys that can, want to stand side by side with me.  How many times have I had this conversation, "Oh you are an engineer, you must be smarter than me."  Sweet.  This got my head spinning, will I meet someone?  Do I want to meet someone?  I don't want to have kids.  I want to tutor kids, I want to help them.  This is the extreme side of my personality... the world makes me sad, the politics, the way we treat eachother and the environment.  It makes me sad to a point that I do not want to bring someone else in this world to deal with what we have done.  I then found this article.  And then I really started thinking...

What if I just find someone that will change the world with me?  I realize that I would be happy if I could change the world one person at a time, or write a book, or continued traveling.  I am not sure that marriage or having kids will make me happy.  I want more.  I always have.  The ex knew that... maybe we were both lying.

Whoa

It has been one of those weeks where I have had tons on my mind, the political battle in Wisconsin, the rising oil prices, the wedding I am missing in Dallas, the slow work week, the friends from Dallas that came to visit and see a "Weekend in the Life of Morgan," the dreams that remind me of the life I once lived... 

I have non-stop thoughts about what next?  I worked so hard for 29 years to get my career on track, to meet the guy I was going to marry, and it led me back to where I started.  I guess I have a 401k now.  I realized this week that I am still making decisions out of fear.  I guess step one is to recognize the issue so that you can start thinking "This was the best decision I have ever made for myself."  And stop thinking, "Nice people scare the hell out of me and will be exposed."  A friend told me that I have to let go of the life I planned so as to have the life that is waiting for me.  It is a daily battle.

I was also told that it is the small battles that win the war.  I got this youtube video sent to me from an old co-worker, the same one that sat on the steps of a bar with me and cried my last night out in Dallas.  She told me the song reminded her of me, she made me cry again.  I can't do it all at once, I can't fix everything I want to right now... but she did remind me I have won some battles along the way.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just smile.  There are moments where I think, "This is exactly where I am supposed to be."

These moments happen when I see the mountains, when I just stop by my dad's house, when I am sitting in a movie theatre with some of the most genuine people I have ever met watching Oscar nominated movie 6 out of 10.  Life could end tomorrow, would I regret worrying about things I have no control over?  I am only responsible for my own happiness.  I am finally happy.

The Hipster

Back on the infamous limo ride night I met a guy, I thought he was 23 but apparently he just turned 25, I know, I know.  He is actually saved in my phone like I am on the Bachelor, Hipster, 25.  This guy has been asking me out since.  I could not get past the age thing and with all the stuff I had going on, I just didn't have time.  He asked me out again last Saturday.  Why not?  What do I have to lose?  We decide to meet at a local hole in the wall for pizza and a beer. 

He is there waiting.  I almost wondered if I knew what he looked like, I mean this was back in November when we met.  I would have loved this guy 5 years ago, that much is clear.  He reminded me of a hipster.  There is some debate on this term so I had to resort to Urban Dictionary for some clarity:

"Although "hipsterism" is really a state of mind,it is also often intertwined with distinct fashion sensibilities. Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. Both hipster men and women sport similar androgynous hair styles that include combinations of messy shag cuts and asymmetric side-swept bangs."

He didn't have the "state of mind" but he looked like a hipster.  He had on the graphic t-shirt with the Volcom hat that is associated with the snowboarding crowd and the longer hair.  At some point in the night he revealed that the hat was due to the recent hair cut, they went "Beiber" on him.  I just smile.  I order a beer, he is drinking water, the waitress asks for both of our IDs since she is bringing beer to the table.  Aside from the hipster, age thing, this guy has it together; traveled with the Navy, works out every morning (hipsters are also known for having 2% body fat), works at Lockheed, talked about retirement, house, dog... and then my favorite part, he owns a crotchrocket and wants to teach me how to snowboard.  We end the night talking about the Jersey Shore.

My whole life I have been the responsible one.  I have taken care of everyone since a very young age.  I was always working towards something, college, degree, career, house... and here I am.  I had/have all that and I am only taking care of myself now for the first time ever.  Do I see hanging out with a 25-year old guy on his motorcycle as responsible?  No.  Do I see it being part of my path to success? No.  But why not?  I worked hard all my life and this is where it led me... maybe this is where I was supposed to be.  Date number two?  Haha... maybe, if it is in the mountains, either in the snow or on the bike.  Keep Calm and Carry On.

Your Not Proud Moments

An old coworker sent me a SI article on former Broncos quarterback, Jake Plummer. Quick note here, I was not happy when Plummer was pulled in the middle of the season for Jay Cutler. The article is about Jake leaving the NFL on top of his game and there was this quote:

"The courage and integrity is in knowing when you've had enough and being able to walk away from all the conventional markers of success. The courage is in choosing family and dignity over artificially extending a career just for the money. We should laud Jake Plummer for standing up for the best in American values."

There are days, moments when I get reminded I still have a long way to go. Go where? I don't know. I realize I am still putting the pieces back together and you can find me sometimes in a vulnerable place, one I thought I left behind in Texas, but I am naive to think that. For the first time since I have turned my back to the "conventional markers of success" I had that moment to remind me, this is not standard. I worked so hard before to achieve things that you are taught are important, and now, now that I walked away from all that, I find myself thinking... what next? Where is my flow chart to success? Where is the path to associate? Marriage? Kids? Do I want to be on that path? If I stay on my path that is dodging the conventional markers of success, where will that lead? Will I continue to lose my cool and comment on long sleeve polos in the middle of my first non-proud moment in YEARS, or is this my journey and fuck the critics? Can I handle the criticism of the unconventional path? Am I strong enough to do it my way? I have to be, I want to be, I wasn't strong enough to do it their way...

"I had to pick myself up and get on with it, do it all over again, only even better this time." - Sam Walton

We R Who We R

I will say, this is my fault. 

For years I suppressed who I was and what I thought to try to fit into a world I didn't belong in, to try to be with guys I shouldn't have been with... very similar to high school.  I think that is why college was such a breath of fresh air... I could be me and that was ok.  Not only was it ok, but people liked who I really was.  I was done with the pretending, and to some I was a bitch or in the working world "abrasive."  I put on the PC hat for work, I tone it down as much as I am capable of doing without feeling like I am selling myself out.  For the first time in years I don't have to do that outside of work.  I have found a group of people that I can just relax, remove the filter and have a good time.

I have done a 180.  I probably should have done a 90.  But I just can't right now... not until I figure out who I am again.  In doing this I have offended some friends.  The only way I can describe it is with a conversation I had with my Boston Friend when we were first introduced as roommates:

Me: (insert smart ass comment here)
Boston Friend:  I am kind of sensitive.
Me:  I am not not.

And 10 years later she is one of my best friends.  She accepted me for who I was and I tried to limit the verbal assassinations.  I cannot change to make you feel better.  Sometimes I want to, I love my friends so much.  But real friends won't ask you to do that, they will not feel threatened by you.  Once you accept people for who they are and not what you want them to be, become secure with who you are... the fun begins.  I truly believe that.