I have lately joked around that dating is a numbers game. The more you date, the higher the chance you meet someone worth dating. I am convinced that I do not want anything more than dating at this point in my life, that does not mean that I don't want to meet someone that is worth my time.
Last Friday my old/new roommate and I took out a new girl that we had just met, recent break-up, new to the area... love her. We talk about being eachother's wingmen, but how we liked being around eachother because we could wonder off to talk to other people and no one would care. That night I found myself without either girl for a long time... they come back.
Me: Ummm... thanks for leaving me.
New Friend: What? There were like three guys talking to you. And who was that guy that bought you a shot?
I didn't even notice the three guys hitting on me and I took the shot to be nice. I really wanted my girls. I find myself getting hit on, but just want my girls there to make me laugh. For the last three years I have been so starved for real, deep friendships, I have had boyfriends, I don't want that. Then yesterday I had several really good people ask me to come watch football... I end up and my New Friend's place.
She opens the door and there are three of the guys, her friends, we had met/partyed with the night before. The Canadian shows up... we crowd in on several couches, tap the keg and hang out like we have known eachother for years. It was the most random, funny and eye-opening 8 hours of my life. Since I have left Colorado I have been playing the number game with friends and guys... still working on the guy part, but I think I have finally won when it comes to friends. The four of us, the Canadian, the Old Roommate and the New Friend are all on our own journeys to figure things out... but I have a feeling it will be drama-free, a fun adventure and one journey we will never have to be alone on.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Nothing Happened Today
I walked into my house last night around 8pm... my roommate asked, "How was your day?" "It was fine. Nothing really happened." I ate some leftover spaghetti, watched Modern Family and started to get ready for the next day. As I was lying in bed I realized, nothing happened today. I smiled and thought about how great the day truly was. A day without drama, without insult, just a day full of what I wanted.
I woke up, made my coffee and headed into work. All the way there I jammed out to my recent, impromptu purchase of N'Syncs Greatest Hits. I get to work, do my thing. I learn some exciting things about my Ironman Friend, talk to a great friend in San Antonio... and it starts to snow. I love the snow. I head to my gym for bootcamp. I kill it. I love the new challenge and well... the hot trainer. I confirm via text message that the next night will consist of happy hour and an Avs game. I invite the Accountant. He is still holed up due to his ankle surgery... but I like the flirty text message thing, I can wait for the ankle to heal to see if this is going anywhere. I head home while talking with the guy who got me through Dallas, we catch up. Life is about to change in a crazy way for him, all I say, "There are going to be days where you feel overwhelmed." And then I walk in my front door, still snowing and catch up with the roommate.
Nothing happened today. I could live the rest of my life out like this.
There were days when I would just wake up scared, what, what is going to happen today? I don't feel that way anymore. Life flows... and I am finally going with it.
I woke up, made my coffee and headed into work. All the way there I jammed out to my recent, impromptu purchase of N'Syncs Greatest Hits. I get to work, do my thing. I learn some exciting things about my Ironman Friend, talk to a great friend in San Antonio... and it starts to snow. I love the snow. I head to my gym for bootcamp. I kill it. I love the new challenge and well... the hot trainer. I confirm via text message that the next night will consist of happy hour and an Avs game. I invite the Accountant. He is still holed up due to his ankle surgery... but I like the flirty text message thing, I can wait for the ankle to heal to see if this is going anywhere. I head home while talking with the guy who got me through Dallas, we catch up. Life is about to change in a crazy way for him, all I say, "There are going to be days where you feel overwhelmed." And then I walk in my front door, still snowing and catch up with the roommate.
Nothing happened today. I could live the rest of my life out like this.
There were days when I would just wake up scared, what, what is going to happen today? I don't feel that way anymore. Life flows... and I am finally going with it.
Monday, January 17, 2011
One Foot in 500 Places
One of my favorite blog posts was the "One Foot Out The Door." I truly believed I was in relationships where this was the problem. I was dating people that were half in. This last week I went to boot camp on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, met an old friend that I hadn't seen in years at a happy hour Tuesday and had dinner with my Irish friend on Thursday. I even made time to go visit my friend's week old baby and catch up with her and her family. And then Friday night came. Me and two girlfriends met a few people out for a low-key night along Colfax Avenue... well one thing led to another, next thing I know we are closing the bar down, hopping in a cab to go to the after party... and waking up at 7:30 to go get our car and have breakfast at the infamous Pete's Kitchen. I enjoyed every minute of that night, saw some people from Colorado State I hadn't seen in years and reconfirmed my love for playing pool. Looking back, I was up for 24 hours on Friday... geez.
This led to an unproductive Saturday, to say the least. I wanted to do nothing but sit on my couch and watch football. I then wake up on Sunday morning and go to 10am Mass... as I am walking in I get a text message from a friend, "Mimosas?" Of course, after church. I enjoyed church. I gave up the small Catholic Church when I moved to Dallas, and it was nice to have that back. But then mimosas and football soon followed. Two bars, two games and then over to a girlfriends house for a little Golden Globe action. Minus how tired I was on Saturday, I enjoyed the whole weekend. But what hit me as I was getting ready for bed on Sunday, is I have no idea what I want or who I am. I am half in all over the place.
Everything has changed. Location, status, job... I went from owning a two bedroom house to renting a room. I went from planning my future of marriage and kids to trying to figure out what all these text messages mean. I went from working out and eating right, to working out so I can play hard on the weekend. When people ask me what I like to do... I like to do alot, but it just doesn't all fit. I like to work out, but I am SO enjoying going out with all the great people I have met. I like going to church, but I love my gay friends. I like living where I am, but I am moving to the ghetto. I am good at my job, but I am not the boss anymore... I come to work, to work. And that is it.
I started to worry, that I can't figure out who I am if I am all over the place? Am I a poser at the gym now? Am I a poser at church? Can you just keep doing what feels right in the moment, accept that and deal with it later? I do not have the answers, I do not know where to start... I hope to just get there someday.
This led to an unproductive Saturday, to say the least. I wanted to do nothing but sit on my couch and watch football. I then wake up on Sunday morning and go to 10am Mass... as I am walking in I get a text message from a friend, "Mimosas?" Of course, after church. I enjoyed church. I gave up the small Catholic Church when I moved to Dallas, and it was nice to have that back. But then mimosas and football soon followed. Two bars, two games and then over to a girlfriends house for a little Golden Globe action. Minus how tired I was on Saturday, I enjoyed the whole weekend. But what hit me as I was getting ready for bed on Sunday, is I have no idea what I want or who I am. I am half in all over the place.
Everything has changed. Location, status, job... I went from owning a two bedroom house to renting a room. I went from planning my future of marriage and kids to trying to figure out what all these text messages mean. I went from working out and eating right, to working out so I can play hard on the weekend. When people ask me what I like to do... I like to do alot, but it just doesn't all fit. I like to work out, but I am SO enjoying going out with all the great people I have met. I like going to church, but I love my gay friends. I like living where I am, but I am moving to the ghetto. I am good at my job, but I am not the boss anymore... I come to work, to work. And that is it.
I started to worry, that I can't figure out who I am if I am all over the place? Am I a poser at the gym now? Am I a poser at church? Can you just keep doing what feels right in the moment, accept that and deal with it later? I do not have the answers, I do not know where to start... I hope to just get there someday.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Recycling
I am sitting there with my roommate as she was telling me about the guy she has been hanging out with recently. She dated him about a year ago, things just kind of fizzled out. She told her friend that she was dating the same guy, he goes, "Why are you recycling? Don't bring old stuff into the New Year." Classic line. I loved it.
When I was younger my stepdad moved in and out of our house for a period of 2 to 3 years. I told myself that I would never get into a relationship like this, if it doesn't work the first time, it is not going to work. But, I have done it, it is the path of least resistance, sometimes it works out for people. What I have learned this last year, the path of least resistance usually leads somewhere you do not want to go. Then I get some random text message from the Ref telling me he was interested in seeing me again. We all have our theories here, lifelong girlfriend called it off again, he was drunk, I am officially the "reliever." Whatever the case I was willing to give him a second chance, told him I was available the next Friday, he said he didn't want to wait that long but would. My gut told me not to trust him, my friends told me not to do it... one even pointed out, "you teach people how to treat you." I was willing to hear him out.
Yesterday I asked him if everything was still on, at 1 am I get this text message, "I can’t do dinner on Friday. In my drunk stupor I forgot I am taking my mom skiing. It’s her Christmas present. Can we reschedule? Sorry.” Sure I can let slide that he fell off the face of the earth for a month, we weren’t really dating… but this text message irked me. One, really 1 am? Two, at what point were you going to let me know that you forgot you already had plans. Three, not flattered that you contacted me when you were drunk. Four, this is coming to me with a problem not a solution… no time for that.
So I respond with “Have so much fun skiing! It is probably better if we don’t reschedule.”
It sucks for me. I liked this one. But I finally know I deserve better, reaffirmed I need to listen to my gut. This guy will not be recycled.
When I was younger my stepdad moved in and out of our house for a period of 2 to 3 years. I told myself that I would never get into a relationship like this, if it doesn't work the first time, it is not going to work. But, I have done it, it is the path of least resistance, sometimes it works out for people. What I have learned this last year, the path of least resistance usually leads somewhere you do not want to go. Then I get some random text message from the Ref telling me he was interested in seeing me again. We all have our theories here, lifelong girlfriend called it off again, he was drunk, I am officially the "reliever." Whatever the case I was willing to give him a second chance, told him I was available the next Friday, he said he didn't want to wait that long but would. My gut told me not to trust him, my friends told me not to do it... one even pointed out, "you teach people how to treat you." I was willing to hear him out.
Yesterday I asked him if everything was still on, at 1 am I get this text message, "I can’t do dinner on Friday. In my drunk stupor I forgot I am taking my mom skiing. It’s her Christmas present. Can we reschedule? Sorry.” Sure I can let slide that he fell off the face of the earth for a month, we weren’t really dating… but this text message irked me. One, really 1 am? Two, at what point were you going to let me know that you forgot you already had plans. Three, not flattered that you contacted me when you were drunk. Four, this is coming to me with a problem not a solution… no time for that.
So I respond with “Have so much fun skiing! It is probably better if we don’t reschedule.”
It sucks for me. I liked this one. But I finally know I deserve better, reaffirmed I need to listen to my gut. This guy will not be recycled.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
All Four Seasons
Winter finally came to Denver this last week. It snowed twice in 10 days, at least 7 inches each time. It was this time that I realized I need new tires and unlike Dallas, when it snows you are still expected to get around and be to work on time. Love it! I also ran on the snow covered trail near my house. The air was so cold that it hurt to breathe... it reminded me of running through one of the longest fall seasons I have had in awhile... and then I realized, I will experience all four seasons for the rest of my life.
Lately it has really hit me that I am home. Being in the City on New Years was the first real sign... looking around, seeing old and new faces. I was then invited to my first dinner party in Denver, followed by drinks at the bar that has taken over the Real World Denver house from MTV. At the dinner party, my friend brought out the gloves she got from Champ Baily at the Broncos v Kansas City game in Arrowhead... YES! It feels so great to be surrounded by people that are into the same thing I am, no drama.
With the turn of the season, accompanied by the pain in my knee from the marathon, I have decided I will be in the gym more. I signed up for a Boot Camp, three days a week for 12 weeks. We had our assessment last night, this confirmed I am not flexible and I am not in shape. My trainer looks like he belongs in a Ben Affleck/ Matt Damon movie and has the accent to go with it... I think it will be a great 12 weeks. I will be completing the class right before the Rockies Home Opener and my birthday. Still sprinting towards 30...
Lately it has really hit me that I am home. Being in the City on New Years was the first real sign... looking around, seeing old and new faces. I was then invited to my first dinner party in Denver, followed by drinks at the bar that has taken over the Real World Denver house from MTV. At the dinner party, my friend brought out the gloves she got from Champ Baily at the Broncos v Kansas City game in Arrowhead... YES! It feels so great to be surrounded by people that are into the same thing I am, no drama.
With the turn of the season, accompanied by the pain in my knee from the marathon, I have decided I will be in the gym more. I signed up for a Boot Camp, three days a week for 12 weeks. We had our assessment last night, this confirmed I am not flexible and I am not in shape. My trainer looks like he belongs in a Ben Affleck/ Matt Damon movie and has the accent to go with it... I think it will be a great 12 weeks. I will be completing the class right before the Rockies Home Opener and my birthday. Still sprinting towards 30...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
My Critics
Critics. I think we all have them. I apparently have just chosen to ignore mine or convince myself that if I let someone in, just enough, they will understand. I have continued to get criticism on my blog from people I wouldn't even consider friends, they were just coworkers. The truth is a part of me always wanted the ex to read it, maybe then he would understand what he did to me, how he made me feel and why I left. I am not sure if he was one of the recent ex-coworkers to stumble across it, but it doesn't matter. For the first time since I have opened up I was criticized.
When it comes to my profession I am open to criticism, even in relationships I hold close to my heart... but if you do not know me, really know me, it just makes me upset. Who is to decide whose perception is "more right?" If I have a conversation with you, we will each take away different accounts of what happened. It is life. I used to be heavily involved in politics. After GW was elected, not once but twice, I backed down. I waved my flag. John Mayer said it perfectly, "Is there anyone who ever remembers changing their mind from the paint on a sign?" This blog isn't going to make anyone see anything differently. All I wanted when I started blogging a year ago was an outlet, it gave me that. These are my views, opinions and perception of what I experience. Is that different than Steeler Fan, the Ref, the ex... I am pretty certain. Is it different than how it is read by people I love in life? Yes.
Life is amazing. In all of a week's time someone can tell me they love the blog, someone can tell me my words are poison and someone else can call me perfect. It all makes me smile. I just want to hold on and enjoy the ride... I like my critics. They remind me just how great things really are.
When it comes to my profession I am open to criticism, even in relationships I hold close to my heart... but if you do not know me, really know me, it just makes me upset. Who is to decide whose perception is "more right?" If I have a conversation with you, we will each take away different accounts of what happened. It is life. I used to be heavily involved in politics. After GW was elected, not once but twice, I backed down. I waved my flag. John Mayer said it perfectly, "Is there anyone who ever remembers changing their mind from the paint on a sign?" This blog isn't going to make anyone see anything differently. All I wanted when I started blogging a year ago was an outlet, it gave me that. These are my views, opinions and perception of what I experience. Is that different than Steeler Fan, the Ref, the ex... I am pretty certain. Is it different than how it is read by people I love in life? Yes.
Life is amazing. In all of a week's time someone can tell me they love the blog, someone can tell me my words are poison and someone else can call me perfect. It all makes me smile. I just want to hold on and enjoy the ride... I like my critics. They remind me just how great things really are.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I Am Not Perfect
The Accountant broke his ankle and had to have surgery Monday... so we have yet to go out, we really just text once and awhile. I get this text message Sunday: "How was your weekend?" I respond with "Typical NYE shit show. Canadians, dancing, alcohol, football." It was a great New Years. I got dressed up, sang with new and old friends, danced, made out and made some bad decisions courtesy of New Years Eve. I wouldn't change a thing.
I have gone out many times on New Years Eve. I have been in New Orleans, Austin, Chicago, Dallas, Denver... all to celebrate the ringing of a New Year. My running partner gave me this quote that I am taking with me into 2011:
Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us. ~ Hal Borland
It was the next night, January 1 that got my year started in a way that I knew 2011 would be different. My new friend, The Canadian, had her cousins in from out of town. They wanted to see the bars in Downtown Denver... that and it was Steeler Fan's Birthday. I am a firm believer that no one should be alone on their birthday, so I invite him out. I have never in my life gone out on January 1. Who still has the energy? Who still wants to drink? The Canadians and true alcoholics apparently. Downtown looked just like that... snow covered streets with only a few people scattered throughout. We start at an Irish bar, share stories of sheep sitings in Canada, why Americans refuse the word cutlery and how NYE was a reminder that people should not tag others in photos on Facebook. It was a random group, all new people in my life minus my Old Roommate, and I couldn't stop laughing. We head to the next bar, the Ginnmill. I have always wanted to go here, but never have... I love all the new places I am going to in an old familiar way.
We all walk into a little Jay-Z playing, we found the rest of the crazy people who were drinking off their hangovers from the night before. More dancing, drinks, pictures, laughs... It was good to take Steeler Fan out as well as the Canadians. After our typical late night search for a cab, we find a van and driver Wayne. Best cab ride ever. We cruise to multiple stops all the while listening to some Nine Inch Nails Mash-up. Say goodbye to the Canadians... I invite Steeler Fan to sleep on my couch to save on cab fare. We started talking in my room and just stay there. He asked again if I would date him. A part of me wants to, he is such a nice guy... but I have done that before, and it didn't work out. Right now I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend, the thought of checking in and calling the same person everyday, scares the hell out of me. This is what he wants. I can't give that to him and I may never be able to. As I am explaining this I tell him of a conversation I had during my marathon with the running partner, where I essentially say, "I forgot how fun I was." Steeler Fan told me he can't picture me not being fun and laughing. He told me that is all I am ever doing. He then told me something I can't shake, "You are perfect." My response, "I am not perfect."
We agreed it is probably best that we don't hang out as friends for awhile... all the while I can't believe someone used the word perfect to describe me. I can think of other words I have heard to describe me, hard, abrasive, crazy, selfish... I have also heard, kinda great, giving, hard worker... never perfect. Who knows where this year takes me? I am excited though.
I have gone out many times on New Years Eve. I have been in New Orleans, Austin, Chicago, Dallas, Denver... all to celebrate the ringing of a New Year. My running partner gave me this quote that I am taking with me into 2011:
Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us. ~ Hal Borland
It was the next night, January 1 that got my year started in a way that I knew 2011 would be different. My new friend, The Canadian, had her cousins in from out of town. They wanted to see the bars in Downtown Denver... that and it was Steeler Fan's Birthday. I am a firm believer that no one should be alone on their birthday, so I invite him out. I have never in my life gone out on January 1. Who still has the energy? Who still wants to drink? The Canadians and true alcoholics apparently. Downtown looked just like that... snow covered streets with only a few people scattered throughout. We start at an Irish bar, share stories of sheep sitings in Canada, why Americans refuse the word cutlery and how NYE was a reminder that people should not tag others in photos on Facebook. It was a random group, all new people in my life minus my Old Roommate, and I couldn't stop laughing. We head to the next bar, the Ginnmill. I have always wanted to go here, but never have... I love all the new places I am going to in an old familiar way.
We all walk into a little Jay-Z playing, we found the rest of the crazy people who were drinking off their hangovers from the night before. More dancing, drinks, pictures, laughs... It was good to take Steeler Fan out as well as the Canadians. After our typical late night search for a cab, we find a van and driver Wayne. Best cab ride ever. We cruise to multiple stops all the while listening to some Nine Inch Nails Mash-up. Say goodbye to the Canadians... I invite Steeler Fan to sleep on my couch to save on cab fare. We started talking in my room and just stay there. He asked again if I would date him. A part of me wants to, he is such a nice guy... but I have done that before, and it didn't work out. Right now I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend, the thought of checking in and calling the same person everyday, scares the hell out of me. This is what he wants. I can't give that to him and I may never be able to. As I am explaining this I tell him of a conversation I had during my marathon with the running partner, where I essentially say, "I forgot how fun I was." Steeler Fan told me he can't picture me not being fun and laughing. He told me that is all I am ever doing. He then told me something I can't shake, "You are perfect." My response, "I am not perfect."
We agreed it is probably best that we don't hang out as friends for awhile... all the while I can't believe someone used the word perfect to describe me. I can think of other words I have heard to describe me, hard, abrasive, crazy, selfish... I have also heard, kinda great, giving, hard worker... never perfect. Who knows where this year takes me? I am excited though.
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