I did it. I submitted my story to my writing class, let them read it, read a section to them and sat there for 20 minutes while they discussed what it was about. I think they liked it, I got some great comments:
Guy from Harvard: I don't get this girl. This is what, her second date? She is already in love? She should date more.
Older Lady in the Class: I sent this story to my son. I think you two should meet.
I loved every minute of it. The story is loosely based on an experience I had, but it is fiction. I love this class. I am learning about people through their stories, but what part is them? Do I already know? Do I want to know? What part of your story is really you? What part did you allow someone else to invent for you? I struggle everytime I start to date someone new; which part of my story can you handle and when can you handle it?
Monday, October 17, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
I Was Judged
I wish I could create a timeline. A timeline of my life, that outlines all the major events in my life. I would star the events that were directly related to a decision I made. There would not be many. I dealt with all these things. I never gave up. I never became bitter. And I tried to be a great person, hold myself to some ridiculously high standard in the process. I paid for college, graduated, worked, bought a house, everything I was "supposed" to do. I worked out two times a day and averaged 50 hours a week at work. I was miserable.
I am not that person anymore. I am happy.
Throughout my 20s, I got alot of advice. I dated some guys that would tell me what would make me a better person, listened to "friends" tell me what would make me a better person... After this about broke me, I raised my white flag. This is me. I am not going to defend it. People might judge me for it, that is fine. In the end the only one that has to deal with the decisions I make is me, finally. It is going to be a ridiculous ride... I can tell.
I am not that person anymore. I am happy.
Throughout my 20s, I got alot of advice. I dated some guys that would tell me what would make me a better person, listened to "friends" tell me what would make me a better person... After this about broke me, I raised my white flag. This is me. I am not going to defend it. People might judge me for it, that is fine. In the end the only one that has to deal with the decisions I make is me, finally. It is going to be a ridiculous ride... I can tell.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Signs
I believe everything happens for a reason. "There is a purpose, a plan and a reason for all things. What doesn't make sense, will make sense." So after a Sunday evening "break-up" with the hot construction worker, I keep my tradition and enjoy way too much wine and pizza with some close girlfriends last night to hash it all out. I survived. I always will. Then it hit me, all the heartache I have felt this week happened for a reason and I just got excited. Try to follow my train of thought:
- My old coworker and I set out to climb La Plata, 5th highest peak in Colorado Saturday morning. We immediately get lost, set us back about 30 minutes.
- I get home late to go to a book reading with the construction worker. I don't have time to eat anything besides two granola bars.
- We talk about food after the reading (9:30 pm) but he is house sitting and has to let these dogs out.
- We finally set out to get food. (10:30 pm)
- We can't find a place to park, he gets frustrated, I am tired and hungry. We park. And set off to get to the bar that we had to park blocks away from. (11 pm)
- The time frame is important because we all know what a tired, hungry woman means... apparently he doesn't.
- He goes: I bet those heels are comfortable. Me: Didn't realize I would be walking blocks.
- This comment ends the night. He calls me annoying, I tell him it is forced fun, we part ways.
- I feel bad, go to where he is house sitting to apologize. We start talking about whether I should leave or not and as this conversation is going a raccoon starts to attack a squirrel in a tree. This is amazing. (1 am) The neighbors come out, I just take off.
- Sunday we break up.
- Monday sucks. The fishing guy, friend's brother RSVPs for Casa Bonita. So now I am forced to address how nervous I am about dating a friend's brother before I see him Saturday.
- Tuesday, alot of wine and pizza. Great bonding time that happened because I needed it thanks to the construction worker.
- Wednesday. My old roommate moves her birthday plans to a later weekend, I am sad that it is a weekend I already have plans, so I will miss it. At this moment I get another invite to go to a friend's cabin on the weekend that became open. I get a great email from the friend telling me everything will be ok if I date her brother, which you know what... why not?
- Meeting the brother tomorrow to just talk and be upfront. We will see.
Monday, September 26, 2011
I Get It
I get dating. Believe me I do. Over 18 months in on this circus I have a fair understanding for the game, it is the different players that I am still trying to figure out. After having my first "fight" with someone since the ex, I was brought back down to Earth. I start most relationships by pushing the guy away. I realize that this is self-defense. But I also learned that it sets the tone for where the relationship is going... nowhere.
I was hurt beyond comprehension while in Dallas. And I wonder if I am beyond repair.
I was hurt beyond comprehension while in Dallas. And I wonder if I am beyond repair.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Fly Fishing
**Disclaimer: I read a short story in the second person, loved it... so this is what you get.
It is Sunday. You wake up early, 6 am early. You look out your white-washed window and can tell that summer is over. The sky is still dark and the cool air coming in from the window makes you wonder why you agreed to go fishing at all. The headache from the day before reminds you that you are living in a scattered world, one mixed with social activities and the longing to be away from people. You force yourself out of bed, turn the coffee on and look in the mirror. You can't go out looking that way, even if you are just going to the mountains to attempt fly fishing for the first time. You do what you can to make yourself look presentable.
He arrives on time to take you to the mountains. You have no idea where you are going, or really what you are doing. This guy is a friend, or really the brother of one of your best friends. You have always thought he was cute and that possibly something more is there, but you ignored it. Once in the car the mood shifts. You are really doing this. You had talked about fly fishing before, even with ex-boyfriends, but you never followed through. You fished as kid, with your family, but always on the shore, where your dad and grandpa would be. You wanted to be close to them in case something went wrong. Drinking your warm coffee, you both notice the temperature drop as you get higher into the mountains. There is evidence of newly fallen snow, again you are reminded that summer is over.
He pulls over along the Blue River, it is 37 degrees. He looks at you and decides you might be too cold and it would be better to go up the road until the sun is at least above the mountains. You get to the second fishing spot. He has brought everything you need. He helps you put on the waders, boots and puts your fishing rod together. You are instantly reminded of your dad. You have always fished from the shore, but this time, this time he steps right into the river and looks back at you to help you in. The river is flowing fast and it is cold. The sun is just coming up over the mountains, you take a deep breath and remember what you had been missing for almost 7 years. He tells you that you have to get to the otherside where the water is calmer, where the fishing is better. You just stand there. He promises that he won't let you fall and holds onto you as you cross, ever so slowly, the raging river. Like he promised, you safely get to the other side. He shows you how to fly fish, tells you how great you are and how fast you learned... you wonder if he is being honest or if he is like your dad.
He leads you to a fishing hole and coaches you through the movements. He stands behinds you, holds your hand and helps guide the fly fishing rod. You close your eyes and wonder, could this work? It is in that moment that you remember you had been there before as well. You dated someone in the past that was "off-limits." A situation where if it went well it would be amazing, if it went bad it would ruin your world. Your world was ruined... you remember that. You continue to joke around, get two strikes on your line, watch him catch fish and go home in time to catch the Broncos win.
You want to see where this could go, but you mentally can't let go of the "what ifs." You have already learned this lesson, the hard way.
It is Sunday. You wake up early, 6 am early. You look out your white-washed window and can tell that summer is over. The sky is still dark and the cool air coming in from the window makes you wonder why you agreed to go fishing at all. The headache from the day before reminds you that you are living in a scattered world, one mixed with social activities and the longing to be away from people. You force yourself out of bed, turn the coffee on and look in the mirror. You can't go out looking that way, even if you are just going to the mountains to attempt fly fishing for the first time. You do what you can to make yourself look presentable.
He arrives on time to take you to the mountains. You have no idea where you are going, or really what you are doing. This guy is a friend, or really the brother of one of your best friends. You have always thought he was cute and that possibly something more is there, but you ignored it. Once in the car the mood shifts. You are really doing this. You had talked about fly fishing before, even with ex-boyfriends, but you never followed through. You fished as kid, with your family, but always on the shore, where your dad and grandpa would be. You wanted to be close to them in case something went wrong. Drinking your warm coffee, you both notice the temperature drop as you get higher into the mountains. There is evidence of newly fallen snow, again you are reminded that summer is over.
He pulls over along the Blue River, it is 37 degrees. He looks at you and decides you might be too cold and it would be better to go up the road until the sun is at least above the mountains. You get to the second fishing spot. He has brought everything you need. He helps you put on the waders, boots and puts your fishing rod together. You are instantly reminded of your dad. You have always fished from the shore, but this time, this time he steps right into the river and looks back at you to help you in. The river is flowing fast and it is cold. The sun is just coming up over the mountains, you take a deep breath and remember what you had been missing for almost 7 years. He tells you that you have to get to the otherside where the water is calmer, where the fishing is better. You just stand there. He promises that he won't let you fall and holds onto you as you cross, ever so slowly, the raging river. Like he promised, you safely get to the other side. He shows you how to fly fish, tells you how great you are and how fast you learned... you wonder if he is being honest or if he is like your dad.
He leads you to a fishing hole and coaches you through the movements. He stands behinds you, holds your hand and helps guide the fly fishing rod. You close your eyes and wonder, could this work? It is in that moment that you remember you had been there before as well. You dated someone in the past that was "off-limits." A situation where if it went well it would be amazing, if it went bad it would ruin your world. Your world was ruined... you remember that. You continue to joke around, get two strikes on your line, watch him catch fish and go home in time to catch the Broncos win.
You want to see where this could go, but you mentally can't let go of the "what ifs." You have already learned this lesson, the hard way.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Just a Good Story
Last night I was invited to a dinner party by a good friend of mine. Her boss owns this amazing million dollar home right next to the Denver Modern Art Museum. This was my second dinner party there, with 5 other amazing women. I love being around women my age or older, that are not married and successful. You instantly bond, throw in a glass of wine, or a few bottles, and it is a great night.
The six of us judged each other's dating life, gave advice and enjoyed an amazing gluten-free dinner. We all talked about that one guy in our lives, the one that no matter what he does or says, you still want him to call. One of the women there eluded to the fact that this guy in her life used to play football. I thought nothing of it. The night and wine flowed, until she finally said his name... Ryan Leaf. Of course I know who Ryan Leaf is (she seemed surprised I did)... he was that draft pick behind Peyton Manning that went horribly wrong. The world got to see his fall from grace. She dated him in college, went to the ESPY's with him and still talks to him to this day. He apparently left her for some Chargers cheerleader... fitting. I told her I had to meet him and she goes, "No you will be mean to him." No, I wouldn't.
I am not sure why this story fascinated me so much. I love that I keep finding myself in situations that surprise me... here I am talking to a woman who is texting Ryan Leaf (about us using his vacation home in Vancouver next year), drinking top dollar wine in a million dollar home with an elevator. What a difference a year makes.
The six of us judged each other's dating life, gave advice and enjoyed an amazing gluten-free dinner. We all talked about that one guy in our lives, the one that no matter what he does or says, you still want him to call. One of the women there eluded to the fact that this guy in her life used to play football. I thought nothing of it. The night and wine flowed, until she finally said his name... Ryan Leaf. Of course I know who Ryan Leaf is (she seemed surprised I did)... he was that draft pick behind Peyton Manning that went horribly wrong. The world got to see his fall from grace. She dated him in college, went to the ESPY's with him and still talks to him to this day. He apparently left her for some Chargers cheerleader... fitting. I told her I had to meet him and she goes, "No you will be mean to him." No, I wouldn't.
I am not sure why this story fascinated me so much. I love that I keep finding myself in situations that surprise me... here I am talking to a woman who is texting Ryan Leaf (about us using his vacation home in Vancouver next year), drinking top dollar wine in a million dollar home with an elevator. What a difference a year makes.
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| Just a Tuesday Night Dinner Party |
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
It Can All Be Summed Up With a Ke$ha Song
I have been lacking in updates for a few reasons. The first of which is my writing class; every time I have something on my mind I feel like I need to channel it into a weekly exercise or my story that everyone will be reading in two weeks. The next reason is my ridiculous social calendar coupled with my new drinking habit; I am doing something every night, and on the weekends I am doing two things a day, most involve drinking or drinking after. I will admit, my body hates me. I feel the need to slow down, but I am not sure what I would cut out? Broncos games, fly fishing, hiking, camping, CSU football games, rock climbing, happy hours, dinner parties??? Probably not going to happen. The last reason is because for the first time in a long time dating has me speechless.
I think it is in this phase of life, happy, rolling with things that you can start evaluating things you don't like. The construction worker that I am still hanging out with; although he is someone that I probably "should" not be hanging out with told me the other night, "You are two different people. The Morgan that wants to be liked and the Morgan that is independent and doesn't need anyone." I then got this comment from a really good friend, "You pretend to open up (in a relationship) and then push them away." Both statements are true. Both statements elude to my new pattern of pushing people away. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to be alone. So I somehow have to get over this fear that is inevitable so hopefully I won't end up alone or at least can stop pushing people away. I have always been pretty honest with other people, now I just have to be honest with myself.
In the meantime, I have been on some pretty fun outings with some pretty amazing guys. More importantly to me, is all the amazing things I have been doing with some pretty amazing friends. I will be in the mountains this weekend camping and hiking with someone that I worked with in Dallas that now lives in the Springs. We have to beat the snow, which has already begun to fall. By the way, that is not a real problem... I don't have too many of those right now.
The responsible period in my life, the first 29 years of my life, seems like a distant memory. Now, I just have fun and constantly try new things. In the last month I have had some great firsts: cliff jumping, rock climbing and fly fishing. I am starting to feel less guilty about not doing what I was always thought I "should" be doing and just rolling with it.
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| Climbing in Clear Creek Canyon |
In the meantime, I have been on some pretty fun outings with some pretty amazing guys. More importantly to me, is all the amazing things I have been doing with some pretty amazing friends. I will be in the mountains this weekend camping and hiking with someone that I worked with in Dallas that now lives in the Springs. We have to beat the snow, which has already begun to fall. By the way, that is not a real problem... I don't have too many of those right now.
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