I get dating. Believe me I do. Over 18 months in on this circus I have a fair understanding for the game, it is the different players that I am still trying to figure out. After having my first "fight" with someone since the ex, I was brought back down to Earth. I start most relationships by pushing the guy away. I realize that this is self-defense. But I also learned that it sets the tone for where the relationship is going... nowhere.
I was hurt beyond comprehension while in Dallas. And I wonder if I am beyond repair.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Fly Fishing
**Disclaimer: I read a short story in the second person, loved it... so this is what you get.
It is Sunday. You wake up early, 6 am early. You look out your white-washed window and can tell that summer is over. The sky is still dark and the cool air coming in from the window makes you wonder why you agreed to go fishing at all. The headache from the day before reminds you that you are living in a scattered world, one mixed with social activities and the longing to be away from people. You force yourself out of bed, turn the coffee on and look in the mirror. You can't go out looking that way, even if you are just going to the mountains to attempt fly fishing for the first time. You do what you can to make yourself look presentable.
He arrives on time to take you to the mountains. You have no idea where you are going, or really what you are doing. This guy is a friend, or really the brother of one of your best friends. You have always thought he was cute and that possibly something more is there, but you ignored it. Once in the car the mood shifts. You are really doing this. You had talked about fly fishing before, even with ex-boyfriends, but you never followed through. You fished as kid, with your family, but always on the shore, where your dad and grandpa would be. You wanted to be close to them in case something went wrong. Drinking your warm coffee, you both notice the temperature drop as you get higher into the mountains. There is evidence of newly fallen snow, again you are reminded that summer is over.
He pulls over along the Blue River, it is 37 degrees. He looks at you and decides you might be too cold and it would be better to go up the road until the sun is at least above the mountains. You get to the second fishing spot. He has brought everything you need. He helps you put on the waders, boots and puts your fishing rod together. You are instantly reminded of your dad. You have always fished from the shore, but this time, this time he steps right into the river and looks back at you to help you in. The river is flowing fast and it is cold. The sun is just coming up over the mountains, you take a deep breath and remember what you had been missing for almost 7 years. He tells you that you have to get to the otherside where the water is calmer, where the fishing is better. You just stand there. He promises that he won't let you fall and holds onto you as you cross, ever so slowly, the raging river. Like he promised, you safely get to the other side. He shows you how to fly fish, tells you how great you are and how fast you learned... you wonder if he is being honest or if he is like your dad.
He leads you to a fishing hole and coaches you through the movements. He stands behinds you, holds your hand and helps guide the fly fishing rod. You close your eyes and wonder, could this work? It is in that moment that you remember you had been there before as well. You dated someone in the past that was "off-limits." A situation where if it went well it would be amazing, if it went bad it would ruin your world. Your world was ruined... you remember that. You continue to joke around, get two strikes on your line, watch him catch fish and go home in time to catch the Broncos win.
You want to see where this could go, but you mentally can't let go of the "what ifs." You have already learned this lesson, the hard way.
It is Sunday. You wake up early, 6 am early. You look out your white-washed window and can tell that summer is over. The sky is still dark and the cool air coming in from the window makes you wonder why you agreed to go fishing at all. The headache from the day before reminds you that you are living in a scattered world, one mixed with social activities and the longing to be away from people. You force yourself out of bed, turn the coffee on and look in the mirror. You can't go out looking that way, even if you are just going to the mountains to attempt fly fishing for the first time. You do what you can to make yourself look presentable.
He arrives on time to take you to the mountains. You have no idea where you are going, or really what you are doing. This guy is a friend, or really the brother of one of your best friends. You have always thought he was cute and that possibly something more is there, but you ignored it. Once in the car the mood shifts. You are really doing this. You had talked about fly fishing before, even with ex-boyfriends, but you never followed through. You fished as kid, with your family, but always on the shore, where your dad and grandpa would be. You wanted to be close to them in case something went wrong. Drinking your warm coffee, you both notice the temperature drop as you get higher into the mountains. There is evidence of newly fallen snow, again you are reminded that summer is over.
He pulls over along the Blue River, it is 37 degrees. He looks at you and decides you might be too cold and it would be better to go up the road until the sun is at least above the mountains. You get to the second fishing spot. He has brought everything you need. He helps you put on the waders, boots and puts your fishing rod together. You are instantly reminded of your dad. You have always fished from the shore, but this time, this time he steps right into the river and looks back at you to help you in. The river is flowing fast and it is cold. The sun is just coming up over the mountains, you take a deep breath and remember what you had been missing for almost 7 years. He tells you that you have to get to the otherside where the water is calmer, where the fishing is better. You just stand there. He promises that he won't let you fall and holds onto you as you cross, ever so slowly, the raging river. Like he promised, you safely get to the other side. He shows you how to fly fish, tells you how great you are and how fast you learned... you wonder if he is being honest or if he is like your dad.
He leads you to a fishing hole and coaches you through the movements. He stands behinds you, holds your hand and helps guide the fly fishing rod. You close your eyes and wonder, could this work? It is in that moment that you remember you had been there before as well. You dated someone in the past that was "off-limits." A situation where if it went well it would be amazing, if it went bad it would ruin your world. Your world was ruined... you remember that. You continue to joke around, get two strikes on your line, watch him catch fish and go home in time to catch the Broncos win.
You want to see where this could go, but you mentally can't let go of the "what ifs." You have already learned this lesson, the hard way.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Just a Good Story
Last night I was invited to a dinner party by a good friend of mine. Her boss owns this amazing million dollar home right next to the Denver Modern Art Museum. This was my second dinner party there, with 5 other amazing women. I love being around women my age or older, that are not married and successful. You instantly bond, throw in a glass of wine, or a few bottles, and it is a great night.
The six of us judged each other's dating life, gave advice and enjoyed an amazing gluten-free dinner. We all talked about that one guy in our lives, the one that no matter what he does or says, you still want him to call. One of the women there eluded to the fact that this guy in her life used to play football. I thought nothing of it. The night and wine flowed, until she finally said his name... Ryan Leaf. Of course I know who Ryan Leaf is (she seemed surprised I did)... he was that draft pick behind Peyton Manning that went horribly wrong. The world got to see his fall from grace. She dated him in college, went to the ESPY's with him and still talks to him to this day. He apparently left her for some Chargers cheerleader... fitting. I told her I had to meet him and she goes, "No you will be mean to him." No, I wouldn't.
I am not sure why this story fascinated me so much. I love that I keep finding myself in situations that surprise me... here I am talking to a woman who is texting Ryan Leaf (about us using his vacation home in Vancouver next year), drinking top dollar wine in a million dollar home with an elevator. What a difference a year makes.
The six of us judged each other's dating life, gave advice and enjoyed an amazing gluten-free dinner. We all talked about that one guy in our lives, the one that no matter what he does or says, you still want him to call. One of the women there eluded to the fact that this guy in her life used to play football. I thought nothing of it. The night and wine flowed, until she finally said his name... Ryan Leaf. Of course I know who Ryan Leaf is (she seemed surprised I did)... he was that draft pick behind Peyton Manning that went horribly wrong. The world got to see his fall from grace. She dated him in college, went to the ESPY's with him and still talks to him to this day. He apparently left her for some Chargers cheerleader... fitting. I told her I had to meet him and she goes, "No you will be mean to him." No, I wouldn't.
I am not sure why this story fascinated me so much. I love that I keep finding myself in situations that surprise me... here I am talking to a woman who is texting Ryan Leaf (about us using his vacation home in Vancouver next year), drinking top dollar wine in a million dollar home with an elevator. What a difference a year makes.
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| Just a Tuesday Night Dinner Party |
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
It Can All Be Summed Up With a Ke$ha Song
I have been lacking in updates for a few reasons. The first of which is my writing class; every time I have something on my mind I feel like I need to channel it into a weekly exercise or my story that everyone will be reading in two weeks. The next reason is my ridiculous social calendar coupled with my new drinking habit; I am doing something every night, and on the weekends I am doing two things a day, most involve drinking or drinking after. I will admit, my body hates me. I feel the need to slow down, but I am not sure what I would cut out? Broncos games, fly fishing, hiking, camping, CSU football games, rock climbing, happy hours, dinner parties??? Probably not going to happen. The last reason is because for the first time in a long time dating has me speechless.
I think it is in this phase of life, happy, rolling with things that you can start evaluating things you don't like. The construction worker that I am still hanging out with; although he is someone that I probably "should" not be hanging out with told me the other night, "You are two different people. The Morgan that wants to be liked and the Morgan that is independent and doesn't need anyone." I then got this comment from a really good friend, "You pretend to open up (in a relationship) and then push them away." Both statements are true. Both statements elude to my new pattern of pushing people away. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to be alone. So I somehow have to get over this fear that is inevitable so hopefully I won't end up alone or at least can stop pushing people away. I have always been pretty honest with other people, now I just have to be honest with myself.
In the meantime, I have been on some pretty fun outings with some pretty amazing guys. More importantly to me, is all the amazing things I have been doing with some pretty amazing friends. I will be in the mountains this weekend camping and hiking with someone that I worked with in Dallas that now lives in the Springs. We have to beat the snow, which has already begun to fall. By the way, that is not a real problem... I don't have too many of those right now.
The responsible period in my life, the first 29 years of my life, seems like a distant memory. Now, I just have fun and constantly try new things. In the last month I have had some great firsts: cliff jumping, rock climbing and fly fishing. I am starting to feel less guilty about not doing what I was always thought I "should" be doing and just rolling with it.
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| Climbing in Clear Creek Canyon |
In the meantime, I have been on some pretty fun outings with some pretty amazing guys. More importantly to me, is all the amazing things I have been doing with some pretty amazing friends. I will be in the mountains this weekend camping and hiking with someone that I worked with in Dallas that now lives in the Springs. We have to beat the snow, which has already begun to fall. By the way, that is not a real problem... I don't have too many of those right now.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Jumping In
I have really enjoyed writing these last couple of years. It has allowed me to get away from the world of engineering and explore what is on my mind. I get feedback, sometimes good, sometimes not. One thing I have heard in various forms lately, is turning real people into characters and making that story public, ie the vegan. I am not doing it with a malicious intent, but I am using real events, real people in my attempt to tell a story. Is that not a memoir? The comment was if you cared about these people you would not show them in a negative light. With this comment in mind, I have been exploring what it would be like to not document real events but rather write fiction.
In the 8 week writing class I signed up for, we have to write something every week, as well as submit a short story. I have recognized I write with raw emotion, little detail and I can't help but write about real events that I am passionate about. Last night I finally read a piece in front of the class. The exercise was to use an idiom in a flash fiction piece. This is what they got.
I didn't get much feedback, which is ok, I guess. I was told to expand on the relationship between the characters, what happened to them, why did he move out and also talk about the new job, city and adventure more. Again, I lack details. Maybe most people in my new City, new life lack the details and that is what I like. I mean the character likes. Maybe she is afraid to get close to anyone and that comes through in the way the story is written. Or maybe, no one outside of my circle gets it and they need the details.
My next attempt is to write a completely fictional piece, oh well kind of... the character will of course be loosely based on the vegan, an old coworker and my favorite setting that I am most passionate about, Dallas. Feels good to just try something new, something you are not good at and just jump in.
In the 8 week writing class I signed up for, we have to write something every week, as well as submit a short story. I have recognized I write with raw emotion, little detail and I can't help but write about real events that I am passionate about. Last night I finally read a piece in front of the class. The exercise was to use an idiom in a flash fiction piece. This is what they got.
I didn't get much feedback, which is ok, I guess. I was told to expand on the relationship between the characters, what happened to them, why did he move out and also talk about the new job, city and adventure more. Again, I lack details. Maybe most people in my new City, new life lack the details and that is what I like. I mean the character likes. Maybe she is afraid to get close to anyone and that comes through in the way the story is written. Or maybe, no one outside of my circle gets it and they need the details.
My next attempt is to write a completely fictional piece, oh well kind of... the character will of course be loosely based on the vegan, an old coworker and my favorite setting that I am most passionate about, Dallas. Feels good to just try something new, something you are not good at and just jump in.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A Continuation
It sometimes takes a long weekend away from the phone, watch, facebook and in a place where you see stars, arches, float down a river with 18 other strangers to remind you how much you have changed. For a long time I thought I was "starting over," I just needed to "move on." When in reality I wasn't starting over, and I didn't need to move on... I believe now that life is a continuation. Life flows and you grow. Every event in my life, good or bad, every person that is in my life or that has been in my life, good or bad, has led me to a point in my life where I just smile.
I have changed. I am no longer stressed out, I am not perfect, but I am happy. I will continue to say the wrong things, but only hope that my intent will shine through. I love the woman I am. I love that I can randomly get invited to a three day rafting trip where I know one person, show up and walk away with great memories and hopefully a few new friends. I cliff jumped this weekend as well. That has always been a fear of mine, but why not?
I admit, I walked around resentful and bitter for a moment in my life. I wasn't strong enough to deal with it differently at that time. I have learned to change the way I think about a few things and love that everything is in my life for a reason. I believe that reason will lead me to the next amazing moment in my life. This weekend reminded me of all the simple things I love in life, friends, laughter, stars and nature. I experienced the western slope of Colorado, the desert region, just east of Utah. I loved it. I had almost forgot that Colorado had such an ecosystem.
So while I continue to discover the person I want to be, learn from my mistakes and appreciate those that are on this journey next to me... I get to discover Colorado all over again.
I have changed. I am no longer stressed out, I am not perfect, but I am happy. I will continue to say the wrong things, but only hope that my intent will shine through. I love the woman I am. I love that I can randomly get invited to a three day rafting trip where I know one person, show up and walk away with great memories and hopefully a few new friends. I cliff jumped this weekend as well. That has always been a fear of mine, but why not?
I admit, I walked around resentful and bitter for a moment in my life. I wasn't strong enough to deal with it differently at that time. I have learned to change the way I think about a few things and love that everything is in my life for a reason. I believe that reason will lead me to the next amazing moment in my life. This weekend reminded me of all the simple things I love in life, friends, laughter, stars and nature. I experienced the western slope of Colorado, the desert region, just east of Utah. I loved it. I had almost forgot that Colorado had such an ecosystem.
So while I continue to discover the person I want to be, learn from my mistakes and appreciate those that are on this journey next to me... I get to discover Colorado all over again.
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| Arches in Colorado |
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| Sunset along the Colorado River |
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| A little piece of heaven |
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| Desert |
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| Dried up stream bed along the Colorado River |
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
The 4 AM Meltdown
The date went well. The basketball game, turned dinner, turned post meal drink on my porch was finally making me feel comfortable around the Vegan. With all dating situations, you reach a point where one person feels the need to define the relationship or make sure the other person understands how that person feels about the relationship. I almost held my breathe when he said he wanted to talk about "us." He admitted he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and well, neither am I. So I was open to defining what we had, friends with benefits, no benefits, dating, dating others... open to talking about it.
Vegan: So I am not ready to jump back into anything serious.
Me: I don't think I am ready for that either, but I don't want to date someone if there are limitations up front.
Silence.
Me: Do you know what you want? Or what kind of dating relationship you want to be in?
Vegan: I am just living life.
Silence (probably some dumbfounded look)
Vegan: I really enjoy sitting on your porch and listening to the crickets.
The end of that conversation apparently.
We talked about my sister, that experience, life and then he got up to leave. As he was leaving he told me that he wanted to hang out, and suggested this short story reading I mentioned. Without hesitation, I just said "I don't think that is a good idea." I shocked myself. I shocked him. He thanked me for hanging out and later sent a text apologizing for not explaining himself and that if I wanted to hang out again I knew where to find him. He even listed all these things we have done that he would do with me... But I liked this guy. And I have amazing friends to do "stuff" with. I just responded "Not sure I would have got to a point where I would understand." Mainly because he doesn't know, understand... and I have been with guys like this. It hurts. I wasn't going down that road again.
Then I woke up at 4am, out of a dead sleep and couldn't fall back asleep. I panicked. Why did I say that? Why can't I just hang out? Maybe he just needs time? The longer I thought about it the worse it got... maybe I won't meet anyone, ever. Is this it? What if no one ever looks at me in the eyes in the way that makes you know everything will be ok? I cried. There it was, me admitting for the first time in a long time that dating is hard, and even if you relax and open up, it may not work. I wanted to text him that I had made a mistake... but I texted a new found friend about my instant need for whiskey instead.
I woke up, put on a skirt, did my hair and went to work. It was a hard day on the inside but I looked good on the outside. I may have been rejected, but I also stood up for myself and did what was best for me. You need a good meltdown once and awhile anyways.
Vegan: So I am not ready to jump back into anything serious.
Me: I don't think I am ready for that either, but I don't want to date someone if there are limitations up front.
Silence.
Me: Do you know what you want? Or what kind of dating relationship you want to be in?
Vegan: I am just living life.
Silence (probably some dumbfounded look)
Vegan: I really enjoy sitting on your porch and listening to the crickets.
The end of that conversation apparently.
We talked about my sister, that experience, life and then he got up to leave. As he was leaving he told me that he wanted to hang out, and suggested this short story reading I mentioned. Without hesitation, I just said "I don't think that is a good idea." I shocked myself. I shocked him. He thanked me for hanging out and later sent a text apologizing for not explaining himself and that if I wanted to hang out again I knew where to find him. He even listed all these things we have done that he would do with me... But I liked this guy. And I have amazing friends to do "stuff" with. I just responded "Not sure I would have got to a point where I would understand." Mainly because he doesn't know, understand... and I have been with guys like this. It hurts. I wasn't going down that road again.
Then I woke up at 4am, out of a dead sleep and couldn't fall back asleep. I panicked. Why did I say that? Why can't I just hang out? Maybe he just needs time? The longer I thought about it the worse it got... maybe I won't meet anyone, ever. Is this it? What if no one ever looks at me in the eyes in the way that makes you know everything will be ok? I cried. There it was, me admitting for the first time in a long time that dating is hard, and even if you relax and open up, it may not work. I wanted to text him that I had made a mistake... but I texted a new found friend about my instant need for whiskey instead.
I woke up, put on a skirt, did my hair and went to work. It was a hard day on the inside but I looked good on the outside. I may have been rejected, but I also stood up for myself and did what was best for me. You need a good meltdown once and awhile anyways.
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