Will Be Back Later

So sorry I have not been writing lately.  I will tell you all about backpacking, finish the blog challenge and report on the OLYMPICS when I return.  So much has been on my mind with the Aurora shootings, Penn State fiasco and mind-blowing emails from "friends," that I haven't been able to focus lately.  This vacation is much needed and I hope to pick up when I get back. 

Pet Peeves

My number one pet peeve is traffic.  I would hate to sit and sum up the hours I have spent in traffic.  Of course, Dallas was worse than Denver.  I originally bought a house close to 90 percent of all engineering firms located in Dallas, but found myself working for a firm that was located downtown.  I was now living in the suburbs and commuting to the City.  I can remember many traffic jams during my time there.  All the thoughts that would run through my head, conversations I would have, things I would see... I would eventually move closer and commute on the DART, but I still hated traffic.

Now I live in the City and commute to the suburbs for work.  I still deal with traffic.  I try to work out at a gym close to where I work so I can miss the traffic on the way home.  This leads to my second pet peeve, most people that live in the suburbs.  My gym is full of women, that look like me except they are married with at least two kids, that they bring to the gym, and judging by most of their conversations, they don't work.  They just annoy me.  To deal with this peeve, I will always try to live in the City where there is culture and different people everywhere... and so I will probably always be commuting in traffic. 

10 Favorite Songs

I love music.  All kinds.  I will try pretty much anything once... so these 10 songs are songs that have got me through hard times and are always on fallback when needed.  I have put them in no particular order.

1. The Cave - Mumford and Sons
2. Believe - Cher
3. Eminem - Cinderella Man
4. The Gambler - Kenny Rogers
5. I Want it That Way - Backstreet Boys
6. Stay With You - John Legend
7. Wasting Time - Kid Rock
8. Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
9. Crazy- Britney Spears
10. Rhythm Nation - Janet Jackson

Something I Miss

In 1990, my parents separated and my dad moved out.  I was 9 years old and my brother was 5 and we were the only stable thing eachother had.  We did what would any other child in our situation would do, cling to one another and become inseparable.  We fought like brother and sister.  We made up games, built forts out of blankets, camped, fished, developed a love for sports... he would grow up a Raiders fan, which I know he only did to upset my dad and I.  It didn't matter, basketball is what ran through our veins.  We went to eachother's games and I can remember the first time he beat me one on one.  After awhile he refused to play with me, "I am not going to play with you, because you will lose and then throw the ball at me."  He was right.  He was my best friend. 

We went through alot with our family.  Some things only I remember.  Some things I wish I didn't remember.  Some things I wonder if he really doesn't remember.  In 1999, I headed off to college, almost leaving that life, my best friend behind me.  It was the year that things started to change.  I look back at this year and wonder if I could have done something different.  What if I didn't go to college in another City?  What if I would have come home more often?  Would things have been different? 

The next year my brother was diagnosed with a mental illness, it would be the first of many diagnoses.  Since then I have watched his internal battle.  His weight fluctuate.  His mood change in a blink of an eye.  I could go months without seeing him or talking to him, and then the next time I would come home we would be best friends again.  Once a person turns 18 there is very little family can do to help.  We are not allowed to get any medical information, we can not make him take his medication and we can't ask anyone for help unless he is willing.  If you call the cops or the hospital because you believe someone with a mental illness is suicidal, they will put them in a 72 hour hold and that is it.  We have had to do this. 

Our healthcare system is not set up to help people with mental illness.  However, society is quick to judge those mental health patients that cause pain to others.  We are quick to judge the homeless on the street who may have mental illnesses as well.  Sometimes I see someone on the streets that reminds me of my brother and stop to think about their family.  Our society doesn't want to talk about mental illness, address it or offer solutions.

I always pictured being in my brother's wedding, our kids playing together... now, I would really just love it if he would play basketball with me.  I miss my brother.

Where I Want to be in 10 Years

I saw this topic and set it aside, thinking... I am not sure.  The fact is I am sure.  I want to be exactly where I am right now in 10 years.  I want to be with the boyfriend (ok, he could be my husband), living in Denver.  I want to be traveling, keeping up with friends and their families, bike riding, running, fishing, camping, hiking, snowboarding...

The only thing that may change is my job.  Maybe I get more into program management or maybe I finally take the plunge and get my teaching certificate?  But that is just work... I have stopped letting my career define who I am.  I define myself by the things I do and the people around me.

Yesterday the boyfriend was getting us ready for my first backpacking trip this weekend.  Yes, people know where we are going and when we are supposed to be back, I do not picture 127 Hours going down this weekend.  While he was packing he sent me this text message and picture:

Place is our own little REI.  Getting excited.  You're going to check another thing off your list!

   

I want this in 10 years.

My Worst Habits

Biting my nails.  I have for as long as I can remember and I NEED to stop.  I would go for periods when I would not bite them, then the next thing I know... they are gone.

I am a serious planner.  It could be one of my best and worst habits... depending on who you are.  :-)

What Am I Afraid Of

Whoa.  The first things that come to mind are losing someone in my immediate family, losing the boyfriend or being diagnosed with a degenerative disease.  I hate saying that because I know people that have lost a close family member.  I know people who have had their world rocked when they lost their significant other.  And I know people who are battling degenerative diseases.  They are all fine.  Some of them are really happy. 

If you stop and think about it, you can handle anything that is thrown your way.  I have set up a support system around me that will help me when I need it.  I decided long ago to stop making decisions out of fear and to start living.  Those three things I listed would drop me to my knees... but I know this time, I will have a few friends around me to grab my hand and put me back on my feet.  I have learned it is ok to ask for help.  It is ok to cry.  It is ok to be sad, just don't be sad for long because life is amazing... and there is nothing to be afraid of.